We went out to our friends house for a diner party last night. She said one or two things in the car. I answered but did not try to have any extended dialog.
Should I make conversation with her in the car or let her start conversations?
My worry is that my silence means that the relationship is done. I don't want her to think I have given up on us. If the silence is not having her reach that conclusion then I can accept it.
Which is it?
We don't talk so I don't know where we are. Should I ask?
I don't know how things got the way they are, please respond.
If she's initiating the conversation there's nothing wrong with having it with her, just don't be the one to always initiate it. Thinking she's given up is one of our irrational fears and causes us to want to pursue, you know that doesn't work already. It's just the fear working in your mind and wanting to control fix things.
If you think your silence is being moody and down then you need to perk up and be happier. Remember the rules, you want to have a good PMA. I know it's a struggle and I find myself being more silent and removed from any emotions at times also. Just don't always be like this.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you Fogg. Your right, I think my problem the last week has been with my PMA. I am managing the relationship in an acceptable manner but my PMA is low. My short term goals will be to maintain an higher PMA. Thank you again Fogg for your kindness and wisdom.
...How would I create goals that maintain a PMA?...
PMA comes from what you do and think.
Some suggestions would be: Set yourself a goal to read books to learn from. Not just books about PMA, books about things that interest you or cover a topic you've thought about before but never really investigated before. Set yourself a goal to recognise when you are thinking about dark things and gently guide yourself toward better thoughts. Set yourself a goal to engage with others on a regular basis, doing something you enjoy so you find yourself forgetting all about your sitch. Because those people will be doing something they enjoy, typically they will be very positive and this will rub off on you. Set yourself a goal to act as-if you have a pma, fake it, till you make it.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Chat about admin not R, real neutral stuff, how to cook a steak, the weather in Outer Mongolia, whether you need petrol, air in the tyres, the great novel you read. Collecting stamps or minions.
Like a friendly neighbour, humour, soft voice. Chitter chatter, music.
I say breakfast at Tiffanys, not dinner at Marcos with wine and violins.
As for PMA, music, GAL, exercise, sleep and great food. Meditation, sunshine, breathing and smiles. Plus hugs with the kids, lots and lots and lots.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/26/1507:11 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thank you Avanti and Vanilla. Your suggestions helped me this weekend. Not much to report since the rest of the family's sick and I worked in the garage to not catch it. Be well
1) Ive been dressing better, smelling better, sleeping better. This all helps me wake up and feel good about myself. Starting the day on a positive note is so important, I think.
2) GAL! Hanging out with people that like me doing things I like? What could be better than that?
3) Have you watched the TED talks by Amy Cuddy and Shawn Achor? Two great ways to help you develop your PMA. Its not something that happens by accident.
Find that inner source of happiness. And the PMA will flow.
Mutatio, I am having the same problem. How to make small talk with someone who hates me. The other day H came to me, very excited and asked me if I knew what the busiest airport was. I guess he is having the same problem as I am and looking up trivia to pass off as small talk? I find a lot to say about the kids, my S9 especially says the funniest things. Also H has recently deactivated his FaceBook account so I will tell him what he is missing on Face Book. Although I know what he is really missing on FB is the chats he had with OW.
Mostly I've been just avoiding him, and talking to friends online, so much easier to talk to someone who responds.
As far as PMA goes, music is getting me through. I am going to concerts lately, either a "real" concert or I find a live singer or band in a local restaurant or bar and just take in some live music for an hour or two. Come home and sing along to youtube videos. Drinking lots of wine helps too. Talking to you and the other DB'ers.
.. the rest of the family's sick and I worked in the garage to not catch it...
So DB'ing stood for Disease Busting this weekend. :-)
Have you written down any goals? Not prying to find out what they are simply to find out what action you took.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
