Mutatio, no apology necessary, and you weren't hijacking, you were part of the conversation. Your posts help me, more than you know. Or maybe you do. It helps so much just to share thoughts with people in the same situation, the good thoughts and the bad. It all helps. I am 90% sure I'd have filed for D by now if it wasn't for this forum. And I'd be crying every day.
Does anyone think I have an actual shot at saving my marriage or am I kidding myself?
Yes you have a shot. It is just not something that is in your control. As V said, a big part of what you are doing is for you. Another part is to try to make the R that will continue after a D be as healthy as it can for your & the kids' sakes. If your H changes his mind, and is willing to do the hard work he will need to do to show that he can be a trusted partner, then great.
You've read enough of the people who thought it was hopeless and got surprised to know that you can't write it off. That said, the odds are long. Can you accommodate yourself to that reality, maintain good DBing for the first two reasons, but move ahead with your life with zero expectations about your M? You still go through some rough days, but life is a lot better when you can move forward. You're doing some of this, but are still in a holding pattern overall, waiting for a sign of change in H. You can't control him. The only change you control is you. So, get out of your holding pattern and move ahead (notice I'm saying ahead and not on).
It may be the best thing for your M chances, and it will make you a more interesting, attractive, and happy person. Win-win.
And know that I still get caught up in that puzzle, even though I know better. Don't see you throwing in the towel any time soon, frankly, so what does it matter if the odds are 1% or 50%? Just drop the question and do what you need to do regardless.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Thanks V. My D14 is home today, she has cramps. She has alternated between screaming at me because I am gross, and sobbing because of her cramps. She is in her room now. I let her go on too long and now I am a wreck.
I am in so much emotional pain.
I think I will go to bed at 8 pm tonight. I am going to curl up on the sofa now with a cup of tea and my laptop and tv on watching whatever I want. I will make sure that I spend some good time with my boys when they get home- give them some undivided attention, then make a nice dinner for the family. And then take an anxiety pill and go to sleep as early as possible.
Next weekend is our 17 year anniversary. I am going to need you all to get through that one. Praying for a miracle.
A miracle would be an "I love you." That is what I want more than anything in the world. Pre-BD he pretty much stopped saying it regularly, I haven't heard those words in so long.
I have a school event with my D in the morning, followed by a shopping trip with a friend, then church. Sunday is skate park day with my boys, followed by a talk by one of my favorite authors. Busy GAL weekend. Next week is following up about this job lead, a new dinner group I just joined, and my usual walking 3 miles daily and maybe a big house clean up. Next week is much less hectic than this one, probably a more realistic pace for GAL activities, I am just so tired now.
Also, and this is pathetic, but H is still in our bed. However he usually falls asleep with one of the boys, or on the floor, or on the couch, wherever. Then he stumbles in sometime in the middle of the night. And he leaves at 4:30 am. But the times he is sleeping in our bed, just having him next to me gives me such emotional comfort. And the nights that he does fall asleep with me are the best- I sleep so well and my anxiety disappears. And he's not doing anything, just sleeping. How can I ask him to fall asleep in our bed without sounding pushy? Or do I just need to let it go?
You are absolutely right As, but I can't seem to let go of expectations. I try, and days can go by where I do let go, but I can't seem to do it in the long run. Probably because I married him, and those vows I made in earnest. I know, we all did.
I will try to let go of expectations for today. And tomorrow I will do it for that day.
And as soon as I hit "submit" he called me from work, an actual phone call, not a text, and for no reason other than to say hello and make small talk. I cannot remember the last time that happened.
I don't know if its my change of attitude, giving him a compliment, asking for better communication, or maybe the prospect of me getting a job ???? Or a combination. Or maybe he was bored and forgot that he hates me. Who knows? Time will tell if this is a fluke or an actual change.
And maybe it is ok for me to have some bad days. Maybe I need that, my emotions are real and maybe I need a day every now and then to give in to them, maybe its part of the healing process and not a weakness.
