Azzork, I know that, I really do, and 90% of the time I tell myself that and I hold up well. 95% of the time. And then maybe once every week or two I just get so sad and so angry and I react.
It happens. Theres no perfection here. Next time, you might go 16 days. Or your reaction will be less severe. And look, last night, you reflected on your feelings and his actions, and changed your thought process. Can you do that beforehand next time?
Photoka, I am right there with you sister. I realize it is about them Azzork but I get so sad and dispondent.
In this chapter of my marriage I will remember the isolation and silence.
And what do you think you can do to make this time less silent and isolating? Hint: it isn't anything you do to manipulate your W into breaking this spell.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
I am pushing my H today into communicating. Maybe not good DB'ing but it is working. He texted me this morning that he left his lunch on the counter. So I texted back that I'd put it away. No response as usual. So an hour later I texted back "???" H responded with "it's not there?" Me: "It was there, I put it away for you. I don't know if you are receiving my texts because there was no response." H, "Thank you for putting it in the fridge." Me "You are welcome. Also, did you receive my text from last night? " H "Yes, I didn't know how to respond." Me "It was a heartfelt statement on my part. Texting is hard for me because without responses I do not know if the text was received and it leaves a lot unsaid." H " thank you for the text."
I feel like I need the basic courtesy of "thank you" and some form of confirmation that the message was at least received.
Also I have a great lead on a job and meeting with someone next week to discuss.
So I texted H "When I start working I will need more support with the kids. Is it possible you could work from home 1-2 days per week to be available for dr. apps and kids absences" (My D14 has attendance issues- last year we had to pull her out completely and do homebound, hoping this year will be better but if I am working this is going to be a HUGE distraction for me and she is still a child, can't exactly let her slip through the cracks because I went back to work.) H responded "I can work from home 1 day a week."
I am thinking I might have to hire someone to come in 2-3 afternoons or mornings per week, to clean my house, get kids off to school or pick them up, just someone who can "take the edge off" my home responsibilities so I am not juggling too much when I go back to work. I would be working from home, but that doesn't mean I will be free. My kids are old enough to manage a lot themselves, but they need someone here. So if H was home one day per week, and I hired someone for maybe 8-10 hours per week, I think I can swing it.
I just want to reiterate that I am so alone in my parenting responsibilities. H is so hands off. And my kids are a mess- they need so much extra attention, and I can't mess that up. D has 4 appointments per month (I schedule a double appointment 2x per month that ends up taking most of the day) and S11 goes to counseling weekly, but that I can usually do in the evenings. S9 is fine, the perfect wonder child, but I recently decided that I can't rely on that and I am making an effort to give him special one on one attention because he deserves it and I want to head off future problems with him.
Photoka, Azzork, Asitis, I am sorry I wasn't clear. I will remember my personal growth, overcoming this adversity with dignity, being the best Dad I could. I will also remember the side effects of my wife's struggled with her problems.
When a marriage struggles, the problems that develop depend on the people in the marriage. There are many types of abuse that people inflict on each other, directly, indirectly, many places on the spectrum. For me it was silence and isolation.
It is not the only thing I will remember. Sorry for the hijack.
The heartbreak of the kids is hardest for me to "let go" of. You poor children have had a really hard time of it, and I feel so badly for them. I wish I were closer...would love to lend a hand. Teens are going through so much on a good day.
Proud of you, Photo...I think you're really doing the best you can in an extremely trying situation. If you can do it, so can I!
What I like about your texts is that they are focused on you and your feelings and needs. You arent trying to control him, just telling what you want. I think you did OK.
Thank you Azzork. I am trying to take control of MY life, and as he is a part of it and the father of my children, then I can't just let it all go. I need responses, and I need help with these kids.
I am having a rough time since last night. And ironically, the incident that lead up to this was actually very benign compared to others that I have handled better. I think I am just truly burned out.
