My complete and total breakdown last night was obviously necessary. I went to sleep, and for the first time in weeks, slept.
I woke up this morning to go for my walk (yeah, me! For the first time went over 2 miles without stopping!!!) and cried like a baby during much of it.
I was crying because for the first time, I realized just how weak H is. He wasn't there for me emotionally when I needed him to be. He chose to get angry with me instead. Instead of working to hold our family together and make a better marriage, he chose to walk away. Instead of admitting to any of his faults, he chose to blame the reasons for D on me to the children.
Weak, weak, weak! He used to be a man of good character, now he's a bully and a weakling. Again, he CHOSE to do this, so he could be free to play with his "friends". He is unwilling to even meet me part of the way, not even for the benefit of our children.
I've clearly shown my willingness to make changes. He's clearly shown he lacks the fiber to do it.
I think this is what last night had to have been about. I needed to break, so that I could be made stronger. Funny thing is, I'm not even mad...just heartbroken and tired.
I'll let him know if he's willing to grow up and be a man, we can start with counseling. If not, he's talking to my lawyer. I deserve and will insist on something better than this.
Thank you, friends, for helping me get this far. You were clearly part of a larger plan, and I am so thankful for you all.
Judy, I am so sorry to hear about these difficult conversations with your children.
A couple of suggestions - I would (maybe sit them down together so you don't have to do this 5 times) tell them that nobody except the two parties to a relationship can fully know what goes on. That both you and H have made mistakes, but one person is not to blame and they should not takes sides against him or against you, but leave the two of you to sort it out. And be the adult and reassure them that you will never feel differently about them, your mother-child relationship will not change.
And I would talk to H and ask him to not talk to the kids about this situation, as they are going through a painful time as well and are not his friends or peers, but children (even if they are older) who should be protected against this pain.
M 16 yrs, WH62, P54 3 adult blended kids EA 11/13, BD1 6/14 PA fall 14, BD2 2/15 Piecing 2015, BD3 12/15 Separated 4/16 WH moved OW in 5/16 Divorced 6/15/17
Judy, it's wonderful when you finally sleep! Good for you on the walk. I have been getting more active also. I does help.
I can really identify with what you are saying. My H chose to "fall out of love with me" instead of fighting for our marriage. He chose to open himself up to OW. He is willing choosing a sinful path. He was not willing or able to make any changes. He was completely done with the marriage before I even new he had doubts. And there in nothing I can do about it except move on.
Me53 H48 M 13 No children together BDMay '15 PA June '15 H moves out,files 8/15 wants "quick divorce" but does nothing Me sending proposal 12/15, court dates upcoming
Judy, I am with you 100%, my husband is extremely weak too. He left me on the day that my children lost their 13 year old friend and neighbor, while my 13D was on the floor hysterical crying about this and my 11S was not crying but "confused" and suffering because this girl was one of his good friend's sister. He called me downstairs from where I was comforting my children because their friend died THAT day, within a few hours, and told me "I hate you I am leaving." I had to have that conversation with him and then go upstairs and continue to comfort my children.
The very definition of weakness.
But let me give you a word of advice. If you tell him to "be a man" it will NOT go over well. It will have the exact opposite effect that you want and will cause him to lash out in anger and be an even bigger jerk. Men can NOT handle being told to be a man.
You need to find a better way to tell him, through your actions, be a strong woman, and don't put up with BS from him. You need to just be "a man" yourself and choose words that will not destroy him.
Although, yes, I agree with you, he needs to man up. You can tell us that, but not him.
I'll let him know if he's willing to grow up and be a man, we can start with counseling. If not, he's talking to my lawyer. I deserve and will insist on something better than this.
You can say the bolded, but Im pretty sure it will be a waste of your breath.
Also, great job with walking! I am up to 3 miles a day now and trying to increase my speed. Its hard to do because I walk with friends and run my mouth off, so I need to STFU on my walks and try to increase my speed. It feels good, doesn't it?
Walking is keeping me sane...I remember when 1/4 mile was a struggle.
Understood on the telling him to be a man. I know I will be much more kind than that. Just kind of venting here. Not even sure when this conversation is taking place...just know I'm fine.
No more laundry, food, space in MY bathroom...all done.
I wonder if my sadness for the loss of my dreams is going to be longer and harder to work through than the loss of M. I realize today I'm reeling more from disappointment more than I ever did for BD/betrayal.
It's such a bitter truth that one person's selfishness cost our entire family the loss of shared holidays, family reunions, and our family's future together.
I have to start with nothing...at my age! Maybe I am beginning to hate. Need to do some heavy praying...
Hey JudyL, yes I agree a bitter truth of ones selfish behavior can cost so much. But they will never see it that way. In their mind, they are doing what is best for everyone.. So illogical.
I have been going through this for a little over a year and it is barely starting to really crumble but I had to make that choice since I was literally hanging by a thread.
I also continue to pray to keep them away from me as it still brings so much pain and jealousy on my part along with anxiety, I run into W too often...
