Shall I Ask her about the affair...

[Cadet]

surely she will know I'm hurting....

NOPE - you totally dont get this.

She has no clue that you are hurting - she doesn't care,
she is hurting too much herself and NOTHING you say or do is going to convince her right now.

She needs space to heal herself!

Think of a hurt animal on the side of the road.

Do you think if you go up to it and pet it it will feel better?

[Mr me]

So I don't discuss and continue on with making my changes, date days etc?

[Cadet]

So I don't discuss and continue on with making my changes, date days etc?

Yes - keep living YOUR life, she knows where to find you.

[Azzork]

I will help you:

Mr me: "are you still having an affair?"
Mrs me: "no"

Do you believe her? Do you feel better?

[Huddy]

Mr me, don't take the advice given the wrong way. It's tough love (hell, I've even got annoyed with Azzork on my thread - he's right though!).

You're hurting, we all are, but you need to give your other half a bit of room to work it out on your own. We all make mistakes, but you do learn from it. Keep strong.

[Ancaire]

You're getting some great advice! Soak it in and begin doing it. It made all the difference in the world for me.

[Mr me]

I will help you:

Mr me: "are you still having an affair?"
Mrs me: "no"

Do you believe her? Do you feel better?

That was not the question I wanted to ask don't presume to second guess me

[Azzork]

I will help you:

Mr me: "are you still having an affair?"
Mrs me: "no"

Do you believe her? Do you feel better?

That was not the question I wanted to ask don't presume to second guess me

Not trying to offend.

Does it matter what the question is, though?

[Sotto]

Hi Mr Me, the thing about asking questions now is you're likely to get an answer you don't want to hear. Do you still love me? Not anymore? Don't you want to work on the M? No I don't. Because once BD has happened, the mind of the WAS is pretty much made up and is likely to stay that way - at least for some time yet. So, just now asking questions like you may want to probably isn't a good idea.

A much better idea is to let her be for now. Don't be cold, but don't initiate talk about the R. If she asks you anything, respond pleasantly - but beyond that don't offer much. Any questions can feel like pressure and that is just what isn't needed right now.

If you can start shifting your focus away from her and onto yourself and how you will learn from this and move forward, that will be best my friend.

Keep reading the 37 rules until you could recite them in your sleep. And any time you get an urge to 'do' something, ask yourself if that would fit with the rules. If it doesn't (eg: asking R questions) just let the urge to 'do something' pass.

Good luck to you :-)

[Flight]

I will help you:

Mr me: "are you still having an affair?"
Mrs me: "no"

Do you believe her? Do you feel better?

I LOVE it Azork. That ought to me in everyone's stack of index cards. I have about 15 now with all the most important things on them, sayings like this, my goals, and the things I have to remember such as, "She is hurt not angry".