Yesterday evening it very quiet here again. I wonder what triggers it? Me or her, bio chemical, mental?
Irrelevant my dear friend... Quite possibly it's all 3 of the above.
She is in the world of pain right now and lashing out. Have you ever seen a dog or any animal with an injury and as you tried to help it it would bite at you because it is causing it pain. They aren't seeing your actions as helping but only see their pain...
I saw my IC today. I was told I was behaving well in regards to my wife. I responded that my friends told me what to do. Thank you all for your help, without you all I would be lost.
Not much more to report, same old same old. Sleep well
"Same old, same old" sounds like you are bored by your sitch, but it's probably more like you are able to deal with it better so there aren't as many things that surprise or concern you anymore. That's good news, right?
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Vanilla asked these questions of my past and I will try to answer them now. You may want to change the channel its not interesting.
Why did you decide to work for FIL?
I wanted to make money and his business was doing very well. By getting a good paying job out of the gate we could buy a house and start a family right a way.
I am assuming that the house and family was something that you both wanted, discussed and decided on. You paid the price by working in a family business always a risk.
Having done that why did you continue when it was clearly damaging to you?
By the time I realized that I didn't like the work I was trapped. My wife worked part time to be with children so my income was needed for family, mortgage and everything else. I felt obligated to my FIL/MIL they took me in and trained me. I worried what they would think of me, leaving a good paying job and putting everything at risk because I was unhappy in a job FIL did all his life. Fear I would not measure up. I could never find a job that paid as well.
Money is a great servant but a poor master as you discovered. The fear was a double bind. Damned if you do and damned if you don't, in actual fact lack of confidence in yourself was the main cause, faulty thinking that you would lack success in any other field. In fact you succeeded in making your move. What is interesting to me is that you perceived your skill sets as a poor fit and illustrates that others opinions of you and pleasing them is more important than your own success and achievement.
Where does the desire to submit to this come from?
I thought it was the right thing to do. I had to be a man and do what had to be done for the family even if I didn't like it.
Were you trying to compete with FIL? Where did the image of a man come from? Do you see a distinction between men and women in the workplace? In the home?
Have you always 'fitted' or made 'best fit'.
I don't understand your question, I'll guess at what your asking. All my work has been similar. My job for FIL was a salesman. I was not very good at it. I went back to previous type job after quitting and much happier.
OK, so when you say much happier are you still sacrificing your potential for expediency? Did this create resentment which leaked into your home life?
When you say 'not good at it' , that must have put pressure on you every time you went to work. This says to me that you lived with a very high level of dissonance, in essence this held back your personal development. I can only imagine the frustration.
Knowing there was a bad fit what did you do? Re skill? If not why not?
I worked 12-14 hour day, worked midnight to 2 pm. came home, always exhausted, watched kids, maintained house and went to bed around 7-8 pm to get 4 hours sleep. Did this for 16 years. There was no time to train to be a better salesman.
You worked through the night, sacrificing daylight hours, that shows work ethic and a low regard for your health and wellbeing. I too work long hours but I enjoy what I do and I also ensure I keep my skill set up to date so the stress is not eustress. In the long term 4 hours of sleep will cause physiological destruction. This physiological structure seems to be the root cause of the following events. Using alcohol to medicate. You gave up alcohol and I think the underlying steps to recovery weren't followed, this leaves a vacuum.
I do find it difficult to accept the lack of time, the tiredness and lack of sleep would have diminished your desire to up skill in an area you did not enjoy and felt you did not fit.
When did you break free of this and how did it happen?
Two big events happened in the last few years that ended up slowly killing the business. I began to hate going to work. I felt the business was dying, there was nothing I could do about it and I did not want to stay to the bitter end. I found a new job and then I quit. The business lasted 3 more years and then closed.
You refer to this as a 'job' rather than a career. One of the important parts of life is work which brings enjoyment and satisfaction. To what extent are you now unable to find the time to develop your skills?
Had you been bendy man before, twisting like a pretzel to fit in?
This salesman job was the first time I tried to do something I was not good for a long period of time in my life. Now I'm guessing your meaning more then just work, but life. Since 2008 and my wifes EA/PA I became co-dependent and would do anything to please her out of fear of losing her.
I think this answers much of the frustration in your life. My thought is this is a barrier to you discovering you. In my view a career development plan would give you confidence. To see yourself as a man with a plan. This involves great detail and discussing with a specialist in life management. The strength this would give you, the satisfaction would be enormous. Reward follows performance and that derives from a skill and personal development plan. Every one of us works for themselves and are responsible for their career.
Have a career not a job. Even if this means you like where you are and doing what you do, knowing your company, industry and products. Developing hard and soft skills. I was advised early in my career that 5% of my net salary should be invested in my skills and a minimum of 10% of my time in developing new skills. I exceed that.
I wished I had known that this applied to the soft skills of my life.
Is this still a factor in your life?
I am working in a profession that is a good match for my skill set. Again I'm guessing your meaning more then just work, but life. I am not codependent like before BD and am doing GAL things now.
Codependency generally doesn't just disappear. So I am going to ask, what measures are you taking to invest in your skill sets, to get ourself excited by your life and work? What are the plans for you? How will you ensure that you put your development in these areas before all else?
Vanilla, I am happy to answer more questions if you have them. Thank you for helping me improve myself. ------------------------------------ I think I know how you got to the alcohol and codependency although I am not convinced that abstaining stimulated recovery, in essence one addiction was replaced by another, that isn't recovery. Giving up alcohol is a major achievement, quite outstanding in fact and shows you have enormous will and determination. That comes at a great price by doing and undertaking life situations and roles from obligation. There is a better way, reward by achieving, performing with enjoyment.
As yet I can't understand why it happened. The answer may lie further back, did you do school subjects you didn't like? Try to please parents, teachers rather than having best fit? If so why?
What dreams did you have for you when you were a child? What did you really want to do? Are your desires in your work or hobbies?
More questions!
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 09/22/1510:56 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Vanilla, I will answer your questions tomorrow afternoon. I think some of the answers will help you understand me better.
I think I have been feeling down yesterday and today.
I am beginning to lose hope. I just think my life has become a mess. I am working on myself to be the best person I can be, right? Maybe, just maybe, my wife will consider not divorcing me. This seems like more of a long shot each day. So I become this new and improved man who is divorced. After going through this experience I am reluctant to do it again. To open oneself up to this pain again seems reckless and foolish. This chapter of my life has taught me you can't trust people with your heart. People break vows and treat you as a worn out pair of shoes. This is all done for the sake of companionship, well the price is to high from where I'm sitting.
If you think this is about my wife, about a lack of detaching you are wrong. You build a life for what? To have it all torn down by some chameleon saboteur. I care for my wife, I love her(I don't know what this means anymore), right now as I type this I would take a bullet for her and what does it get me, the trash can, like a dirty diaper. I don't think I can ever trust anyone again.
Life seems so empty now. Love seems to be an illusion, a projection of one's feelings onto another, that's a dangerous game. All in the name of companionship. If this is the case, it's a suckers game.
This is not a question of trusting my wife, it is a question of trusting "love". To put it all on the line for an emotional feeling. Seems more and more illogical to me.
I haven't given up on love but I am not trusting it right now.
I think I have been feeling down yesterday and today.
M - without question, you are down. We all have those times. The times pass, too. I'm glad you came here to vent.
I have to disagree with you about Love. I'm not sorry I feel it, even when it is not returned. It makes me a better, more compassionate person.
Think about your daughters. You love them with no expectations, right? So, love is a good thing. Expecting to get something in return...maybe not so much.
Hang in there. Life is good. The lessons sometimes are hard.
