New thread, Vanilla was challenging me on the last one. Bring it on. Challenge me, I am feeling strong and have a lot of energy and I am ready to be challenged to dig even deeper and do even better. Challenge me on my IL's situation, on my need to STFU, on my continued focus on H, whatever you notice please call me out and challenge me to do better.
I am doing great but I am also getting angry and starting to blame H, which lets face it, he has to accept some responsibility at some point, but he's not there yet and I still want to save my M so this anger is not going to serve me well towards that goal unless I can channel it and use that energy to continue working on myself.
I challenge you! I challenge you to focus on your part only for now. You cannot get your husband to accept responsibility if his greatest desire is to leave the marriage. Wait until he's actively working with you on Reconciliation. Then you can start nudging him in the right direction.
Judy, he said he does not want to be divorced or separated. I think his greatest desire is not to leave the marriage, but for me to accept all the blame and responsibility and for me to just fix it all. Really, I think that is what he wants.
So either way he isn't working on reconciliation so you are right - I need to focus on myself.
I accept your challenge.
If you could zip your lips then I can zip mine. I will report back the next time I didn't say something, instead of snapping back at him I will remind myself to accept Judy's challenge.
Photoka, once you are strong and secure in "you", you can decide then if you, only, doing all the work is what you really want. If YOU decide you want to stay with him, then start tackling ONE THING at a time. That's what I think I'm going to do, if we ever start heading that direction...slowly and surely. I'm convinced that's the way to go. One step at a time. Believe me, my H has plenty HE needs to work on.
Judy, I already know that me doing all the work is not what I want. But I am giving him the time to heal while I pull myself together. I know EXACTLY what I want, and its not what I had before. We will both need to do better. I did recently make a few demands, and he agreed to them, but I would feel a lot better about these if I had approached it in a much more controlled way. So that I know is an area I need to work on.
Azzork- you got it! I am becoming the master of GAL. Actually I am quite exhausted and having a great time. Today I met a group of women at a coffee shop and we had girl talk for 2 hours! And then I watched a show on tv, and then took my kids for a walk around the neighborhood and visited some new friends. That was about 4 hours of "me time".
Not sure what I am doing tomorrow, but H is away for several days so I will probably have some friends over for girl talk while the kids play, Sunday I am joining a new group at my church.
Tuesday I am taking D to see Ed Sheeran in concert and I think I am more excited than she is, and we are going in early to have dinner in China town. Wednesday is a thrift shop day, Thursday is my singing lesson, Friday I am going to a movie with a friend. OH- and next Sunday I am going to see one of my favorite authors give a talk.
I am so busy with GAL, it is saving my life, no joke.
I am doing great but I am also getting angry and starting to blame H, which lets face it, he has to accept some responsibility at some point, but he's not there yet and I still want to save my M so this anger is not going to serve me well towards that goal unless I can channel it and use that energy to continue working on myself.
So go ahead, challenge me.
OK, you're on. No, he doesn't have to accept some of the responsibility. He doesn't have to do anything. You recognize that he is responsible for a great deal of the damage done. Good. The key in my view is that you are not taking on too much of the burden and blame for the M problems.
Second, about the anger. Perfectly normal and natural. How does it make you feel? Who is suffering because of your anger? Him or you?
Can you look at him as a scared, wounded person? What if he were one of your kids grown up & facing his struggles? How would you view him then? How would you want to be viewed if the tables were turned? Have you never been hurting so bad that you felt compelled to project the hurt out onto others? Maybe not is such a destructive fashion, but somewhere on the continuum from mild displacement of pain out onto another whom you loved to the kind real abusers inflict. Maybe just a little? Have you ever been truly forgiven & loved by someone you hurt badly? How did that make you feel about that other person?
If his hurting you and not meeting your needs has left you angry enough that you are worrying that it will lead to lashing out at him (which is how I read that worry you expressed), can you see that he is in the same boat, only without the skills you have been working very hard to learn and develop?
OK, I'll stop. But, seriously: who is going to suffer by holding a grudge and being angry for long? It is a selfish motive to forgive and show compassion to someone who has harmed you. It relieves a lot of emotional turmoil and pain. It requires strength, but you've shown so much of that in the time you've been here.
Hope those challenges help. You'll do great. I've developed a lot of confidence in your abilities to do this stuff skilfully following your sitch.
Me: 50 W:43 S6, S3 M: 12 yrs. T: 17 M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14 S 5 Feb '15 D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry") DB Coach May '15 Wants proceed on D Aug '15 Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
Grandma's teasing is unpleasant, hurtful behaviour. Labelling grandma isn't going to help you, your H is blind to it. By triangulating with Grandma you can't win. New strategies.
I will share with you what I know. Teasing is a form of abuse, and yes I was subject to this in a big way, and many of the visitors to the Gamanon room are subject to it as well. I have had to learn to handle it.
This is my knowledge:
1. Teasers enjoy teasing. Abusers enjoy abusing. 2. They do it because it works. 3. They do it because they can and they get away with it. 4. They will not change and have an awakening 5. They target those who react to it 6. The reaction rewards them 7. You can't get revenge or make it stop by challenge 8. They will deny it, blame you and imply great motives from them 9. You can't change the abuser
---------------------------------------------------- So how do we get an abuser to stop? You can't but you can manage your reaction.
Firstly, stop reacting, all of you. When grandma starts just walk away. Teach the kids and yourself to get the hell out of there. I am unclear what she teases about but suppose it is say braces on the teeth, then grandma " I am going now to do my homework, ring my friend, help mum in the kitchen. Bye"
Secondly, acknowledge the abuse but do not acknowledge in any way with tone or action that the teasing has had an effect. Truth dart it back with a question "is that intended to be mean?", don't listen to the answer. Walk away immediately. "Golly do you really think that?" " I beg your pardon?" and " unpleasant". There is a more advanced technique called fogging you can try. The key thing is this hasn't been hurtful, by allowing her words to be true, the teasing becomes hurtful.
Thirdly you must do this 100% of the time.
Finally Record it, in case you need this in future. ----------------------------------------
You know she is going to do this, it's her pattern. You won't stop it 100%, the more headspace you give this, the more effect she is having. To start with you will have to be vigilant and pull the kids away with a distraction. Grandma is teasing you, when she does walk away and come join mum. Don't say, she doesn't mean it, she does.
Stay out of this woman's way, go out, go to a different room, leave the house, go for a walk. Find a pint of milk to buy, an item which returns to the shop. When my XWH abused me, I used to sing the song "sugar, sugar, sugar, I am your candy girl....." In my head. Respond with sweetness " thank you for the offer, I know you are tired, busy etc....... Take the opportunity to rest, complete your task"
Remove the reward as much as you can. Stop the game, interrupt the cycle, stop reacting. Know there is hole in her soul and react accordingly.
With the kids, let them know it's ok to walk away, be in their rooms, go to their friends. When you know she is on the way, warning by BIL? Take the kids to the cinema, for a pizza, she arrives to an empty house. Be pleasant but oh so busy. Your life is full. She is a silly empty woman with nothing to occupy her but you. In an odd way it's flattering that she envies you so much.
The site I found most useful was Bully2buddies because this type of abusing is bullying behaviour. Pretend this woman is your very best friend, act as if.
Stop labelling Grandma, giving her your thought, time and attention. It's just Grandma's way, she doesn't know better, poor Grandma how sad for her. How empty inside must she be. The kids will move away eventually and remember her unpleasantness, they will have minimal contact. Words hurt and are remembered. This is going to be a lonely empty woman, pity her, see her as damaged she is. Her higher power will teach her this, you don't need to exact Revenge.
There is a technique called grey rock, I commend taking some strategies from it. Being dull, uninteresting, saying "ok", try the technique of fogging.
This is an adult technique so you can try this yourself. Fogging is when someone throws rocks into the fog, the rocks get lost. For example, " there may be something in what you say", " that's curious" , "well you have thought about that", " huh, I will consider it when I have time".
Normalise for the kids, ground them, show them how to breathe and stand firm to the ground. Then leave Grandma when she starts to tease fogging would be saying " Grandma that's funny", "grandma I will give you my braces when they are removed".
We can discuss again. Abuse is tough to deal with.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
This is from my archives on abuse, abuse by a grandma from a blog I found: I have removed explicit stuff: --------------
This will be the last thing I ever say to you.
Recently grandmother, you tried to find out where I live. That I don’t want you to contact me should already be clear: in four years at university a bus ride from your home, despite repeated invitations, I never visited; when we’ve been together with relatives, I’ve avoided you; when you’ve tried to converse, I haven’t reciprocated. You’ve given me cash and I’ve donated it, sent me cheques and I’ve recycled them. It seems that you now want to send me more in spite of being told not to, and all the evidence I don’t want a relationship with you.
If you’re getting this message, it’s been relayed to you. Online, where what I write is published, thousands of people are reading it. None know who you are or anything about you, so nothing will come of this; I’ve hesitated to write it even so, but it’s obvious you’ll keep harassing me unless I go on public record telling you to stop.
You strike me as a bully, grandmother – snobby, controlling and contemptuous of everything apart from what you assume to hold status.
You show contempt for any woman not thin, youthful, white and femme enough – including, as it happens, most women I’m into – and for the children in your family born out of wedlock. As for the men I’m into, you call queer people ‘peculiar’. You show contempt for my whole generation and most born since the 1960s, describing us as ill-mannered, our clothing as scruffy and our English, since you’re not familiar with it, as meaningless. (As a graduate in literature, your mourning ‘the language of Shakespeare’ tells me you know little about him or it.) You show contempt for people claiming benefits, as your daughter and I did when she raised me, accusing them of ‘putting their hands out’ while you live off yours in old age.
Worst, you’re contemptuous of anyone who disagrees with you, laughing at, patronising or ignoring them. When you heard I wrote for a living, you commented I never seemed to say much; I don’t talk to you because I don’t waste words. You epitomise the figure of the senior bigot, obsessed with manners but oblivious to your own spite, and unlike some I’m not amused by it. Nor will I insult people your age, many of whom have inspired me, by putting your toxic outlook down to being 93.
Being the only one who won’t oblige you has made me a villain. Family members caught in what they see as the crossfire of two warring relatives have called me heartless for trying to indicate passively that I want you to leave me alone. This message might be heartless, but if so you’ve left me no other option, aggressively dismissing every signal I sent that I didn’t want to know you. The only reason others have been caught amid anything is that like a possessive ex, you’ve refused to let go.
This isn’t a warning or an ultimatum. I’ve quit Britain for central Europe and don’t expect to return while you’re alive. If I do you won’t get my address, and I’m now self-reliant enough to avoid staying with relatives at the same time as you. We won’t meet again, and I’m not interested in hearing from you.
If this is upsetting, you should have considered that people you insult, attack and treat with broad derision don’t have to accept it. If it’s only registering now that keeping a relationship with an adult might involve respecting them, too bad. You’ve had too many chances as it is.
Goodbye, grandmother. Enjoy your remaining years.
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I am a South Parks fan, there is an episode called Butterballs which is about bullying. You can see it by going to visit the South Parks website, Butters is bullied by Grandma. Warning not suitable for kids.
V
Last edited by Cadet; 09/19/1512:40 PM. Reason: merged post - changed title
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
