LBS becomes the WS. The price of peace.

[Pyrite]

another old couples gag I had on FB today.

Old couple out walking. H comments your arse has become as big as a washing machine. Later tat night H became frisky in bed. W responded "That load is too small for me to put it in the machine. You'd better take care of it by hand."

[SPD72]

I understand some of what you're saying Py...I happen to see a few things differently.

The LBS can't become the WAS. I don't believe that. I know that's been said by vets, but to me the WAS is the one that took the action that broke the marriage, that broke the commitment. Choosing to not recommit to a person that abandoned the marriage is a UNIVERSE different from being the one that made the choice to drop the bomb, walk out the door, take legal action, have affairs, etc. Sometimes I think LBS's tell themselves this as a way to feel like less of a victim which I appreciate, but they are not the same at all.

Likewise, you SHOULD be hesitant to recommit to a new R with this person. It's not because you're untrusting or uncommitted...it's because they are untrustworthy and uncommitted. Why WOULD you recommit to a partner that did this? I get that's why we all joined this board initially, but to truly R requires both opportunity AND good reason to return to the marriage. Initially we're so hung up on opportunity, we forget that we need the good reason (remorse from WAS, growth, reason to believe they can actually be a committed partner).

So accepting the loss of a M that someone else decided for us, and being wary of recommitting to this person based on their lack of regard to your needs, desires, or the sanctity of M...this isn't the same as the entitlement and selfishness that drives the WAS to make this choice.

Sure we have other negative emotions to manage, and desires driving us. We are human too and have to be wary of our motives, of taking the easy path that doesn't jive with our beliefs. But accepting our loss and making the best of the life we have been given is the goal we are here to achieve, not following in the footsteps of those that brought us here.

I agree with this Zeus...as this is where I am at right now. not only must I see remorse from her..i need to look into my own heart and see if I can find true forgiveness for ..otherwise resentment builds and I might be a WAS..

[Pyrite]

hey spd,

i absolutely agree - i think this is clarified later on in the thread. I have said here or somewhere else that my "feeling" of being tempted by another woman just shows me a millionth of what my W and WAS must experience, at least at some point.

i think Z would concur that we feel less and less inclined to even want them to turn around with every passing day. Then we would be forced into a very awkward predicament.

At least in my case, my W has shown zero remorse, 100%selfishness and she astonishingly just keeps upping the ante when I didn't think it was possible anymore.

She has so much backtracking to do just on how poorly she has behaved towards another human being (me), and then we get back to the A, and then we have to deal with the initial problem in the M.

After several months of living with this and amazing growth that I had never in my life even imagined, let alone came close to accomplishing, the initial problem in our M could well be irreconcilable. I felt unloved. This much was real, and her behaviour was not misinterpreted. However, my flawed personality did not cope with it well.

Healthy options were there. Most clearly was that we should not have had children, or even gotten married. At least until this issue was resolved. The problem was that deep down I am/was ashamed of who I am. Not that I have ever done anything to be ashamed of, it is a remnant of an "unfortunate" childhood (an ongoing conversation with Vanilla details this).

Due to this self-loathing I clung to my W out of fear. I did speak out, but was basically shut down or ignored. So instead of acting with dignity, I buried it, hoping things would come good one day. After 4 years of this I was a detached, depressed, zombie. I wasn't even a target for her to love as a brother anymore.

Now - the truth of the matter is that she may have simply not loved me. In which case R is not a possibility. Maybe she did, and this was just her flawed way of NOT being able to show it. And believe me, she is seriously screwed up - and I'm not saying that out of spite. I'm actually over that anyway. There is a lot of work to do on her side to fix this if it is the case, and quite frankly, I am very very skeptical that it is worth it.

All of this and in the background there is trust. I trusted her before, and look what hapenned. I know with absolute certainty what she is capable of. I have had "discussions" with her where she seriously grins and laughs like a lunatic. Explaining how I was a thorn in her side, and even if not for OM she never wants me, and it is her right to [censored] him wherever she pleases - and yes this included our marriage bed still shared on alternate weeks. Her viciousness is something I have never even seen before in movies.

Although - things have gone quiet now. I have been dark for many months and it is a godsend for her. Not tempting as sometimes happens.

BUT - the remaining tie is my kids. I honestly believe though that if they were a bit older they would tell me NOT to even consider it.

Anyway, rant, just killing time here.

-Py

[jim0987]

I felt unloved. This much was real, and her behaviour was not misinterpreted. However, my flawed personality did not cope with it well.

Healthy options were there. Most clearly was that we should not have had children, or even gotten married. At least until this issue was resolved. The problem was that deep down I am/was ashamed of who I am. Not that I have ever done anything to be ashamed of, it is a remnant of an "unfortunate" childhood (an ongoing conversation with Vanilla details this).

Due to this self-loathing I clung to my W out of fear. I did speak out, but was basically shut down or ignored. So instead of acting with dignity, I buried it, hoping things would come good one day. After 4 years of this I was a detached, depressed, zombie. I wasn't even a target for her to love as a brother anymore.

Now - the truth of the matter is that she may have simply not loved me.In which case R is not a possibility.

This pretty accurately describes me and my situation apart from the detached bit.

I felt for a long time that my XW didn't value or love me (and i had a previous LTR where i never doubted it to compare things to) so in some ways it's good to know my senses weren't way off base.

The bit I bolded at the end is key for me because this is the truth that it is important I truly accept as i move on.

Because in amongst all of the other things I look for in a future partner, right near the top of the list is that they choose to love me with all that entails. without that its all built in sand.

Anyway just thought I'd post as I feel like I know exactly where you're coming from.

[Pyrite]

thanks for posting Jim,

same - i had 7yr R before my W and I although I wasn't comparing I had a point of reference.

It's hard for me too accept, but in a way I knew it years ago - contributing to my "depression". Another obstacle which I know shouldn't concern me - or at least I should be happy for her - she is IN LOVE w OM, with excitement that she never showed with me. She ended her M for it with two little girls. Must be amazing. Actually she even yelled at me once how amazing he is. Whether it lasts or not shouldn't bother me I guess. I still struggle with this, but I am not overwhelmed by it anymore.

I too am looking forward to a future R where this is a "feature". And I am becoming comfortable with the idea that I am indeed loveable, which makes this all feel like climbing out from under a rock.

[Pyrite]

i just wanted too add something before retiring for the evening. Upon re-reading this post ^^, which is typical of many others, it is conceivable that from my "descriptions", particularly of myself, that one might interpret I am describing a grotesque monster, barely capable of functioning. The truth is actually very far from this on the surface. As I suppose it is for many of us that tend towards this.

It is really an image of myself, as I see/know myself. Projected in the worst possible, yet still realistic (not overly pessimistic that is) light.

[Vanilla]

Py,

You are the honey monster!

V

[Pyrite]

hi V great see you.

I hope thats a good monster. Things are going quite well for me since your insightful analysis. i'm a new man.

-Py

[Vanilla]

You only have to google honey monster to see!

I am so pleased for you, it is what I wanted for our lovely Py.

As long as we do the work inside we grow, and you were ready to move to the next level, I am positive there is more to come. At some stage I think we can look at epigenetics said and the effects of hyper nutrition on recovery. I think this may help.

Tons of rainbows

V

[Vanilla]

Are you ok Py?

V