Renew, just checking in on my lazy Sunday. What good news. This all seems so good and I think (IMHO) wife is starting to unconsciously vacilate back towards being more comfortable with you. Sounds good.
Just a side note, I was trying the distancing thing physically with my H. He seemed to get annoyed. We'd sit on the couch and I'd have a blanket and wait for him to say he'd like to share it or I could stretch my legs over him.
Today, just for grins, I asked if I could share my blanket and stretch out and he smiled wide and said yes. He was very pleased. Just goes to show you, sometimes initiating contact isn't that bad. So, you know when she doesn't want touch, go ahead, it seems to work for you also. She certainly seems to appreciate it, perhaps that one snap at you was just her feeling like she was cranky because she was confused.
yeah, renew keep on dong watch your doing, I don't know how your keep it up and you are so wonderful for doing it! she will come around-she still has feeling for you, if she didn't even though you are letting her stay in the house, she would already be moved in with OM by now. the om must be byside himself with her still living with you!!! he may start pressuring her in move out which will confess her even more and her fog will be thicker, but then she will see you, still by her side, listening to her and being there for her!!
really good signs! Anita makes a really good point about how you will start to look better in W's eyes than OM, because you're acting so great! And she talks so much to you, too- that comfort and sharing her innermost thoughts is an underlying key in an intimate R. So you're already at least halfway there. Of course OM should feel threatened- let's face it, you're the one with the real connection! What's also worked for me is doing stuff to help me appear more new, fresh, exciting to get those sparks happening. Like I am a fun 'single' person too, who happens to be living with my S. Once you've got a great underlying base of friendship, this kind of thing helps move it toward the next level.
Master the self-fulfilling prophecy.. Act 'as if' it's going to happen and make it be!!
renew, I just caught up on your thread. Sorry I have been busy with work but WOW, things are looking up for you!!! You must be so excited and I bet there are tons of people on this BB that are a tad bit jealous!!LOL
You are being the best you, you can be!! And on top of that you are being the best best friend you can be to your W!!! I know how hard it is listening to stories about OM but I believe you will be the winner when the game is done. The fact that OM is jealous of you is really to your advantage!! She sees you are not jealous of him (even if you are inside, you do not let her know it)she can talk to you about anything and everything and she does not have that luxury with OM. IMO I think her R with OM is fading and her friendship with you is flourishing. Hand him the shovel he is to use to dig his own grave. LOL
Hugs and prayers
Halo
Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect.
It means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Rottzilla, Anita, Rj2, Halo, Thank you all for your support and encouragement!!
Quote: if she didn't even though you are letting her stay in the house, she would already be moved in with OM by now
Just to clarify, although I think your point is relatively unchanged by this, the sep papers we signed let her buy me out of the house, so its her house right now, and she is letting me live there. Nonetheless, she could easily ask me to move out, she could easily spend every night at OM's, and she chooses not to. I very much appreciate this, especially considering W likes to say that actions speak louder than words.
Quote: I think her R with OM is fading
I certainly hope so!
Update...
W was home Monday night. I've been working a TON of hours at the office lately (and still can't seem to keep up with all the work we have...) but my back is healing quickly, I'm still managing to keep up wih basic chores around the house, and make time for W when she is home. I had dinner ready when she got home. She'd just gotten back from the gym and had to change into some dry clothes. She told me OM was reading an article about B-list men dating A-list women, and was saying how he is a B-list man dating an A-list woman. W laughs a little, rolling her eyes, and says, "Oh great, more insecurity." I tell her I saw a similar article recently in another magazine and we laugh.
I'd rented "Something's Gotta Give" over the weekend but hadn't watched it yet, and so I had it ready to play when she came in to eat. She chose to watch it with me--which I was grateful for because (a) since December she's been generally unwilling to watch movies with me, and (b) she was actually supposed to watch the same movie with OM recently, but they saw something else and we're going to see this one later. We both liked the movie, and had a fun time watching it. I rubbed her back for a little while during the movie. I even gave her a lift-her-off-the-couch-hug at one point we while we were laughing really hard at a particular scene, and she just kept laughing hysterically and smiling the whole time.
After the movie I thanked her for watching it with me. She always seems a little "um, ok, whatever" when I thank her for spending time with me, but I remember reading in DR that it's good idea to thank your S when they do something you appreciate. Later she was just laying doen on the couch. I sat down at the other end of the couch and picked her feet up and layed them across my lap, and began massaging her feet.
She asked, "What are you doing?" I said "Does it hurt?" W "No my feet don't hurt" Me "No, does it hurt when I massage you feet?" W "Well, no." Me "Is it uncomfortable for you?" W "Well, yeah, a little." Me "Does it at least feel a little good? W "Definitely, for my feet." Me "W, It doesn't need to be anything more than that." W "Um, Ok." And she just laid back, closed her eyes and relaxed while I massaged her feet.
It was absolutely heavenly to spend an evening with her on the couch watching a movie. It's something I've been wanting to happen again for some time, I feel this is another very good babystep. I know I have to be patient, but there were many moments last night where I almost forgot everything else, and just felt like we were a couple, a great couple. I really hope she may, at least once in awhile, feel the same way.
Thanks again everyone, your support always brightens my day.
Where is that little insecure (OM) monkey now and what's he up to? LOL. I couldn't be with a man that insecure. But, then again, I am a little (small) girl and I really like men. I like them strong and tall and manly. That's just me, I guess. It makes me feel safe to be with a big, confident male.
Quote: Me "W, It doesn't need to be anything more than that." W "Um, Ok." And she just laid back, closed her eyes and relaxed while I massaged her feet.
This could have turned out to be a bad sitch and you turned it around quite well. My H often backs away from my touch, and I let him. Then it's awkward. I wonder what would happen if I were to handle it like this. Good DBing, Renew.
Still, I think you should back away from it sometimes so she doesn't feel violated?
Maybe there is a lot to the feeling insecure in your R and about her feelings. She isn't sure what she wants. Let's pay attention to the pattern here OK?
Last time she got weird about you touching her, had you two just spent a lot of QT together?
Maybe it was the QT (her LL, isn't it?) that made her feel very close to you and opened up her emotions to an uncomfortable level. Then, when you followed up with PT, something she is **sometimes** comfortable with, her emotional balance is upset.
In other words, she was feeling emotionally vulnerable and your PT pushed her beyond her limits.
I'm interested in your response. When you went into her bedroom that day and she snapped at you, she had obviously just woken up. But the night before, had you spent QT together? Perhaps she had a dream about you. Or maybe just cranky.
Quote: Maybe it was the QT (her LL, isn't it?) that made her feel very close to you and opened up her emotions to an uncomfortable level. Then, when you followed up with PT, something she is **sometimes** comfortable with, her emotional balance is upset.
Yes. I think I'm seeing this pattern more and more clearly, and I'm learning to account for it. "3 steps forward and 2 steps backward." We go through cycles where she seems to get really close and comfortable and then backs off. This morning, talk was mostly limited to good morning and have a nice day sort of stuff. When I came home for lunch she was definitely closed up, drawn in. It is that time of the month, and she did say her sinuses were bothering her, but it was probably more than that. She is usually quiet and brief with me the morning after we have QT kind of night together.
Quote: When you went into her bedroom that day and she snapped at you
I've kept our early morning interaction as brief and quick as possible since that last episode, and I stay out of her bedroom in the mornings. I've been trying to keep the PT to a minimum, but I feel its good when I do introduce PT and she is ok with it. I think it helps raise her comfort level with me a little. Its just hard sometimes to tell the difference between when she can accept it and when she can't, so I'm trying to err on the side of less PT.
Well, you said in the past she was uncomfortable in the bedroom. When she was, would she be vocal during the act? "Renew, I don't like what you are doing/trying to do?" Or would she wait until after and then let you know?
What I'm getting at is, was she OK with you giving foot massage, or just trying to be OK with it for your sake?
Rotzilla, she would usually--not all the time--give her opinion at the time. If I suggessted why don't we try such and such, she would say one way or the other whether she wanted to. If we were trying something and she didn't like it she would usually say that it was uncomfortable for her, and ask if we could try something else.
I feel like the foot massage dialogue we had turned out well, but I also don't want to press my luck. So where does this lead us...?
