My fear has basically destroyed all of our reconciliation attempts. When we started counseling, I became so insecure because husband wanted counseling I refused to see that he was trying. Instead I became obsessed with the possibility of him leaving us. I became clingy and constantly sought reassurances. He would ask fo space and I would just seek relationship talks. This evolved to him wanting a separation ( due to continued fights regarding his detachment and work). So he could get space. At first it was with the goal of reconciliation. My fear made me imagine worst case scenarios, (that there was OW, that he was trying to set me up for big legal loss, alcoholism, drugs, etc) and now he almost pulled the plug the other day.... Even right now my fear is telling me that the only reason he is not filing is he does not want to pay child support, or he wants me to have time to get adjusted mentally etc.
I know I sound like I should be on meds. And in my own defense he is not the best communicator. (Our counselor said that to me once about him.) or maybe I'm not hearing what I don't like. I have to remember what DB coach said. Approach this with faith and positivity. Maybe this is negativity breeds negativity but if I focus on the positive I can create positive outcomes. Good news is 4 days went by without me pursuing.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Was thinking about the issue of anger and how it makes us feel better, less hurt, and less at fault for the marital demise. I am confused by my own situation. So far my husband only seems to get angry when I try to discuss the relationship or when I bring up child support. If not we are able to maintain polite superficial conversation. Does that mean he is indifferent?
I am angry about the child support and am still debating what to do. We have always kept our finances separate. I worked a lot less hours after the kids were born. This means I accrued a lot less savings, pension etc.. He has been trying to push me to return to work full time this past year and refused to move out of my relatives house until I worked full time. (Logistically and financially impossible till the kids started school full time) I would try to explain this and his response was "other people do it, figure it out". I wanted to leave to work on our marriage cause I saw how unhealthy it was getting. He has been able to save when living with relatives because he had and continues to have no expenses. He earns 3 x my salary. I have not been able to save this past year because I figured he did the saving and I spent money on kids.
He has been gone 2 months and has given very little for the kids. Although he has been making more efforts to spend time with them He wants an itemized list of kids expenses instead of child support and figures that because of my current living arrangement I don't need that extra money. He has actually said "go to work like everyone else". This is so humiliating because I have always been a very hard worker. I worked since I was 16. I worked throughout my schooling. I actually love my job and I find it a lot easier then being home with the children. (Although having the opportunity to be home with them for the majority of time has been so fortunate and rewarding) The only reason I stopped was for the children, He has been and is currently able to save. I cannot.
I discussed this with db coach and I have had legal advice. I can go to court and file for child support. I will get this, but once I do, everything will be set in motion. I am pretty sure no chance of reconciliation if I file (better option long term for our family). But then again, a guy not paying child support is pretty deplorable. Can anybody analyze this for me? His salary is decent although he has always been pretty frugal when it comes to others (but he will never go without what I perceive as luxuries for himself) DB coach said he could be trying to punish me. Or maybe he has a distorted sense of entitlement? She doesn't know where this is coming from. But agrees it is humiliating for me and not right. The fact that he did not want to leave my relatives house earlier could be calculating because he knew he wanted divorce or it could be that he really wanted to improve our families financial situation by saving. I tend to not believe it was calculating because living in the house was absolute torture for him and he seemed to have 1 stress piled upon the next, (job, serious health issues, car trouble, our marital issues) he could be trying to buy time, for legal reasons.
If I don't file there might be chance that by continuing to give time and space and working on my self there might be chance for reconciliation. As of now, I don't believe there is OW. Like me, He comes from a supportive and hardworking family and background in which you work on your issues. There has never been infidelity or divorce in either of our families (extended included). He has a hard time handling a lot on his plate so I don't know if he would go there with OW. (I know I could be i denial as well as) DB coach thought an itemized list would have been the right way to go but could not recommend it when I told her about legal precedents it might set. She suggested I find another approach to discuss it and we went over soft beginnings and endings when communicating etc. I still don't think that would work because his answer is give me itemized list with receipts...
This issue fills me with so much anger. I feel like I am in the right, but will have to put it on hold for a couple of months for sake of amicable relations and possibility for R. But it comes down to trust. I could be kicking myself in a couple of months if there is OW or he really has moved on. That is why limbo is so hard. If there is no chance I will do what's best for me and kids no. If there is chance I would rather lose the battle to win peace. He does not know the answer of whether he want R so what do I do. Financially I can survive but it's a matter of fairness. My family is supporting his responsibility for gods sake and he doesn't see that!
Of course he should be paying child support. It's the law. But me pursuing will definatly ruin all chances of R. he truly does not see this as being manipulative or wrong. In fact he is surprised that my family is upset with him and really thinks this is all about how I treated him, and my anxiety. How do I get him to see my point of view. Why is this a problem for him, but not for so many other fathers on this board? If I was the one that left him for OM I would understand it. But he left me. He knows I want to work on relationship,
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I am reading what everyone is going through in the divorce process and aftermath and I just want to avoid divorce so badly. I don't want to live with the vindictiveness and resentment and lost child care time. I want to do anything to make it work but I feel like this child support issue is a check mate for him....
any chess experts?
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Having read your situation, your H sounds anything but indifferent to me. Just guessing about this, but my guess but maybe he is angry because he knows deep down what he is doing is wrong??
My H is being very vindictive with how we are going to split up things in D. In my state it is pretty much 50/50 unless we are able to negotiate otherwise. He has made it very clear he plans on taking what he is "entitled" to down to the penny. For example, the other day I mentioned that I assume he will keep his car and I will keep mine. Yeah, not so much. He brought up that there is a few thousand dollar difference in value in my car and plans to go after it. He is doing this about EVERYTHING. I have been trying to figure out his mentality on this. This is coming from a man who has never held a fulltime job since we have been married, has been in school for 11 out of 13 years, and had one year of employment. I do not want to D, he does. I did not have A, he did. I have worked my butt off for everything we have in assets. The only thing I came come up with to rationalize this is that if allows me to keep anything over 50% it would be somehow admitting to guilt?? I have no idea, but I have lots of resentment and anger building from this one aspect of my sitch. Does not bode well for keeping emotions in check.
Maybe if your H gives in on child support, he feels he is taking responsibility for where your M is and he is not willing to do that? It does not make any sense to me and it is flat out wrong. I can appreciate your anger. I am obviously not a therapist, but your H sounds like he might have some narcissism in him or maybe the WAS just starts to take on some of those traits to protect themselves and it starts to mimic narcissism. It sounds like yor H has little empathy or compassion, tons of self righteousness and selfishness, entitlement, etc. It is hard to reconcile such big changes in our spouses that seemingly happens overnight.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Yes. It's hard to come to terms with that irrationality. I sometimes view it as when he loved me in the past vs now.. Although there were many selfish behaviors in the past that I couldn't rationalize and led to many fights. But I know they could have been the result of me trying to control too much or perhaps not communicating with him effectively. In the past, If I had used soft words instead of demands, and given time I think he would have reacted differently. Instead we both wanted to be right and convince each other we were right instead of work on coming to solution.
Same thing occurring now. He feels like he is right (feels the father that worked full time suffers from current laws) and I feel like I am right for the reasons I stated above. Maybe in a couple of weeks I will try again using a softer approach and find something that works for both of us. The problem is the legal precautions we both realistically have to take. Those definatly get in the way. Seems like it did for you as well.
I noticed how the legal advisors I talked to made my husband into the epitome of evil. The wording they used, and assumptions they took. Some of them were being pretty unfair and irrational as well in order to assist me. And they do make you feel entitled. Maybe your husbands legal advise made it easy for him to do that to you. Letting go of being in the right, letting of the "worldly goods", might help with the anger and resentment which will destroy your health and spirit. (I know I sound religious right now, but I'm not at all). In the long run he will be consumed with petty items, but if you can let it go you will be happy which is priceless.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
Just stopping by to say that I hope you have a great LD weekend. Any good GAL planned with the kids or otherwise?
Hi, funny I was just about to post. I have a lot of fun physical activities planned for the kids this weekend. I Never like to be at home, plus with boys you really need to get them out and keep them active as much as possible or they will just get destructive. I really am lucky because while they are exhausting they are so much fun and really keep me going 😊. I Hope you have great plans as well !
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
6 days and no pursuing behaviors! The documentation of our conversSations and my old response/new response has really been helpful. It has helped prevent me from making some very snide remarks and 1 desperate 1 as well. This is my 180 so far.
Next week when the boys Start school full time, I am going to try and pick up some per diem work. This is against legal advise, but honestly I do not want to exploit a system. It reminds me of people that go on disability when they do not need to. Not just a drain on society but it ends up psychologically affecting them as well. Plus it's good for me to try something a little different in my field.
Husband is throwing me off. Since my blow up and our post conversation that almost ended in him finalizing that he wants to move on, he has been making a lot of effort to be more involved with the kids. He is acting more friendly as well. This can be because: 1. He had legal advise and was told to do things with the kids, make sure he shows his face at school functions, save ticket stubs, document etc. 2. He genuinely misses kids and wants to be part of their lives (although he really neglected them before so why all of a sudden) 3. Trying to appease me to avoid court and move torwards mediation 4. Try to prove that we are friendly and both in agreement to this separation and that divorcing is the best for all of us?????? This would alleviate a lot of guilt for him probably. 5. Could be baby steps?
Only time will tell
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I am pretty sure no chance of reconciliation if I file (better option long term for our family). But then again, a guy not paying child support is pretty deplorable. Can anybody analyze this for me?
It's natural to think this way, but it's not a good compass to use. You cannot control what he does or doesn't do. You have to do what you know is right for your family.
It's possible that no matter what you do he never turns back. It's possible that him experiencing consequences for his choices brings him to rock bottom much more quickly than if you enabled. It's possible he does get pissed, but a year or two after the D sees his life isn't so hot.
So many ways for it to unfold, the best thing to do is detach, do what you believe you're supposed to do, and have faith that if you're the woman you believe you're supposed to be, things will work out for YOU regardless of how that looks.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
