wife STILL in the tunnel..more fog.

[Sotto]

Oh Boy Irish, you're really going through it and I'm so sorry. But I'm pleased to read that you are dealing with things well and getting some good advice. Your interactions with your W sound like just what the situation needs.

It is hard to understand the lack of interest in your kids - but often the person in MLC just wants to drop their whole former life for their shiny new one. As others have said, the best you can do is be there for your kids - be their rock. Their Mum's R with them is hers to own.

As others have said - step back, deal kindly but firmly with business, protect you and yours, say little, have compassion and focus on your own life.

This will likely take a while and it won't be pretty. If you are looking for other threads to read, Cali is a good one. You may also want to have a look at RD in newcomers - a fellow Irish guy.

Good luck with everything my friend. I think you are doing well in tough circumstances.

S xx

[Irish M]

Today, D's are at school. very happy to be there.

i get a text from W. its a picture of my house with several boxes and items dropped off in front of it. She says its the D's things she took when she moved out.

W says since she gave up the D's no need for these items.

then she tries to sell me other items. Patio furniture. wants 1500$ . i said sure. but to deduct it from what she owes me.

she says no. Cash only. she owes several people money. So not only has she not paid any bills, credit cards full and car loan unpaid..she owes people money.

i replied. ask your boyfriend for money. since that is not my job anymore. NO REPLY

makes me sick to my stomach thinking the hole she is digging for herself. Pressure with money is going to hit hard next month.

i'm worried this is going too fast and too destructive that she will try to hurt herself due to the damage she is doing , mostly to the D's.

should i reach out to her sister, she is on my side. . update her and maybe she will contact her mom ( on W's side but is seeing reality`slowly )..it's out of my reach to watch or help W.

if she calls me and needs help to pick her up because she is hurt or thinking of it.... i will. Not saying that i will fold and let her back in our lives only to get settled and take off again. Still care for her so i wont just avoid her cry out.

The OM must not be all that. since she is in debt. if he was a knight in shinning armor i`m sure he would help her and she wouldn't`be crying me a river because of her debts. He is probably in worst shape than her.

[kml]

Wow - her mom rented her the apartment, she's only been out for a month, and she still has no money? I know her salary got cut, but seriously - what do you think she's been spending her money on? Have the frequent hairdresser visits and the tattoo drained all her accounts? Do you suspect drugs?

I would let her sister know your concerns about her, and then let her family handle helping her. You can be kind, and you can pick her up if she's sounding suicidal or crashing, but I definitely would not step in and rescue her financially (except to buy her out of the house, but she doesn't get that money until the appropriate legal divorce settlement papers and title transfer have been signed - you don't want to give her that money and then have her take you to court demanding more stuff in the divorce.)

Sounds to me like she's gonna hit rock bottom faster than most - that might be a good thing. The longer the fantasy lasts, the harder it is to wake up.

[AJM]

I completely agree with KML in the above post - only help if suicidal AND asked. Otherwise, you are interfering and meddling.

I disagree with the sister, but that's your call. Family has a way of knowing but not knowing and it's likely part of the issue, ya know?

i'm worried this is going too fast and too destructive that she will try to hurt herself due to the damage she is doing , mostly to the D's.

should i reach out to her sister, she is on my side. . update her and maybe she will contact her mom ( on W's side but is seeing reality`slowly )..it's out of my reach to watch or help W.

Again, I could have written the above. I had that concern and reached out to her school counselor (she was in grad school at the time and they had a psych on staff). I can say it didn't go well in the sense she blamed me. It went well in the sense that it gave her a new target - me. Talked with her brother - his thought? She has to figure it out. Meh. Family.

While you are considering those things, consider what you need to do to protect you and the girls. Your W is a grown woman who can make her own decisions. And if you interfere with that process, you risk keeping her from her consequences. She needs to experience those consequences and the ones after that.

You can't change her. You can't stop her. i.e. you can't go around this experience - only through it. With dignity, grace, and the wisdom to know when to be quiet and let things play out while ensuring the collateral damage is lessened with you and the kids.

I can't help but think of the story of her mother. You saw how that turned out. Seems to be a repeat of sorts. But since your W is her own person, and you are not her father, she has a shot at figuring it out with a different outcome than her mom. It won't be easy for her. That's a powerful pull.

Prioritize your next steps amigo. You only have so many hours in the day and so much you can even do. Most of that revolves around your daughters (who desperately need you) and you. What you have left you will need for you and rebuilding your life, while keeping the lights on (work, house, paperwork, etc.)

The best thing I learned during that period of my life? I can't change others. Only me. That sounds trite, but think about it. The world spins. The people in it do what they do. Your action/reaction to it and how you perceive it is all on you. When you learn that, you learn to let go of the things you cannot control.

And that's freeing beyond what you expect.

I had made the assumption she wasn't coming back. I decided I would be kind, graceful, and if possible dignified. My ex did what she was going to do anyway. I see that more clearly now than I did then.

KML is right, the faster they run the better. It has a way of hastening the inevitable which seems to be important to your W. Let her. Get out of the way. Don't try to help any more than you absolutely need to. She doesn't want it and it won't help.

If you can help with the kids relationships with her - do so. i.e. don't prevent it and do NOT talk poorly about their mom. Stick to the facts. That's important to the kids. Very.

You got this. You have a great perspective already. But formulate that plan so you can see the future direction you are headed. There's always time for readjustment if needed.

AJ

[Irish M]

Ok I did talk to W's sister. Was shocked by what she told me,
SIL and MIL saw each other for the first time since this all started. MIL has now changed her opinion about the situation. MIL has cut off funds to W. W begged her for more money. MIL knows W is off the chart.

W did go to see her father in the hospital with the OM. Reason she went. Was to got money from him. Even asked for gas money. So I guess it's an affair down . Major one if he can't put 20$ in W car.

Drugs I hope not but with the amount of $$ she spent instead of paying bills .., has to be.

This OM is probably using her for her money.



What do I do now. They will be so hungry for $ .
I won't help her. No way.
Will hold off any buy out of the house or sale.

I think her world is crashing , but if drugs are involved and sex ,..., well she'll spin here for a while.

Suicide ,I fear this since she's done so much so fast. I pray this isn't the outcome.

When am I going to wake up from the nightmare

[kml]

Did she dabble in drugs when she was younger? Has she been prescribed any narcotics or ADHD drugs in the last 2 years? Do you see anything in the bank statements, credit cards or phone records prior to bomb drop that would explain this?
I think you're wise, for her sake, not to rush to resolve the house issue and let her piss the money away.
Is there any history of bipolar disorder in the family? Did she have mood swings or depression episodes in the past?

[Irish M]

Hi KML

No never did drugs when she was younger or older while with me. No prescription medication either. but W wasn't a drinker either and she does a lot of that now getting drunk etc

W has a cousin that is bi polar

Both SIL and MIL had a similar crisis at 38
SIL is a nurse and her co workers and herself realized something was off and she got tested , hormones and chemical imbalance, SIL got treated for months and avoided all this,
MIL did the same as W and destroyed her family, W is repeating what her mother did to her.

Bank records not anymore. Her desperate account.

[uRworthy]

Hi Irish. I know it is so hard to watch someone you love and the mother of your children on such a destructive path.

AJ's post was spot on. Read that a few times.

The truth is that you cant help people who don't want help. Hard to get your mind around that I know. She will become very angry if you continue to try to help.

What you do now is take care of you and your kids and protect your finances.

Your job is to cause no harm to the relationship between her and your daughters. The relationship is theirs to forge or not.

I knew that when I looked back on this part of my life, I wanted to see that I acted in a way that was true to who I was.

So be sure that whatever actions you take aren't punitive. That matters. Act with dignity and strength. That matters, too.

The rest is out of your hands. You have to let her walk her journey. It's the only hope she has of coming out the other side. If the crisis is interrupted, it can come back stronger and more forceful.

Stay on your path. Focus on you and your children.

How's your GAL going? Try anything new? Don't forget to rest, eat, exercise and pray if you are so inclined.

[kml]

Well, with that history, it's possible it's some kind of a manic episode. 38 would be unusually young for menopause, but not unthinkable. She won't hear any of this from you, but perhaps you can encourage SIL to discuss this with her.

Of course, given her previous affair, it's always possible this is just MLC. But even though MLCers can behave in unpredictable ways, your wife's behavior seems extreme.

Btw thyroid problems and celiac disease and other autoimmune diseases are more common in family trees with bipolar disorder.

[Irish M]

Yes very extreme

SIL is cut off from W but is available if W reaches out to her.
I'm staying ou of the way of her train wreck.

I will only answer her if she says she needs help me mentally and not financially

Looks like next month will be rough. W lost all her support from her family MIL
Salary cut down to half. OM is clearly using her and will probably get frustrated that no more money from her.

Just don't want to think about what he will make her do for money. Probably sell all her jewelry and furniture she took. Since she's never in her Appartment and can't pay for it I'm sure she'll move in with him and do a midnight move to avoid her landlord.

I pray for her.

I'm in a good place, great support here and in my life, I have my girls and they are so strong, my house, dog, health and my job. Speaking of my job the teams I have in my 2 offices are so supportive and they fill in for me when I need to get out.