OK, Azzork, I've given it some thought. I think my next goal is to get W to want to talk to me again. So, I've started trying little bits of convo with her. Nothing extreme. I've also started buying the daily newspaper again.
Now, this may conflict with strict DB rules, but it appears to have had some effect already. W told me today that she had bought S some new sports kit. It looks good and I made a joke about how I should try it on (you had to be there) and she looked at S and smiled. I didn't ask about cost etc. (this is controlling)and left it at that.
I went to run the kids bath and for the first time since April, W came into the bathroom to get her reading glasses. Now, I'm down to my underwear at this point so I don't get my works trousers dirty/wet, and she walked in and looked at me. She didn't say anything and then slowly walked away.
So, I'm planning to do more stuff like this to try and get her in a jovial mood, so she can remember how much fun we used to have. I did think about buying new underwear as well!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, maybe read back over previous posts. Goals should be about you - not w centric. I feel with your sitch that you just don't want to take your eye off her - even for a moment. But the problem with that is it can make growth difficult. Because if you only grow - enough - to get your W to talk to you - and maybe even want you back, your M may not succeed. There are bigger things to learn here.
And here's the counter-intuitiveness part. You probably need to shift your focus away from your W and put it right onto you in order to put your M back on track. Because the changes we need to make normally aren't minor ones.
But I feel you are only willing to look at W-centric stuff. And I ask myself - who is Huddy? Not Huddy and W - but just Huddy. Who would you be if she wasn't even around and never would be again? What makes Huddy happy? What floats his boat, makes him laugh? I think these are the realms you need to be in here with your goals....
But, I feel you are skipping over what is being posted and getting right back to W....
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Patience is one of the huge skills to develop with DBing. Patience, time and self-focus.
You don't get to 'move this on.' That's not something you get to control. You only get to control how you move forward. The risk of 'moving this on' at this stage is you may conclude things in the way you don't want. Limbo is no bad thing, as long as you are focusing on you.
Pleasant and non confrontational tome is good. But if there is no communication, just go pleasantly about your day. I agree that in house S's are hard - the hardest I think.
Are you getting out much socially Huddy??
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Yes, my patience is in chunks right now. Some good, some bad. Limbo appears to be the point I'm at until the house is sold. I just wish I had just a sign that the changes have been noticed. Just something to spur me on to carry on wit this path.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
She has noticed. You don't need her to show you that. Don't revert to being needy. That being said it is understandable that you want a sign that this us bearing fruit. You may have seen the image of a miner who after digging for miles turns around 1m from reaching the other side. Caption talks about giving up just before success. My point is there maybe no sign before you break through, but that does not mean you are not progressing.
On a side note, the book DR goes into detail about goals.
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
My patience is wearing down and I'm tired. I want to move this on.
I think the only way you can speed this up is if you looking for divorce. Otherwise, there are no shortcuts.
As for your search for progress, I havent seen your list. I think you are looking for too big of a sign to call things "progress". If your definition of progress is "my wife doesnt want a divorce", of COURSE youre going to be frustrated. But if your sign of progress is "my wife smiles at me", well, there you go, she did! Progress!
But, at the end, I agree with Sotto. Its one thing to save your marriage. Its another to make fundamental changes in your person to become the best version of you. I think youre at a "good" level. Now its time to take the next steps to be "great". But only you can put in the work to do that.
I wasn't planning on posting for a while. I'm distinctly hacked off with this process as I see little or no progress. I guess some things aren't meant to be. It's nearly six months (in week terms)and the toxicity has returned.
So, yesterday, I got a visit again while I was running the bath. W was asking about my D going to a junior football course, and she asked me to email the organiser (W doesn't do technology). All well and good.
Then, flip, this morning, I find a voice mail on my phone. I missed the call as my phone was on silent. It went 'Have you seen if we have got an email, or what!'. That was it. No salutations, nothing. So, I sent back a text message saying 'No email. I think you need to work on your telephone manners.' Now, that might have been the wrong thing to do, but how much more do I take?
I can make lists (goals) etc. until they come out of my ears, unless anything makes a difference, what's the point?
I think I just accept, it's done, and it's not worth the effort.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Tell me who is crazy here, bud!