A few days ago my wife just confessed that she slept with OM while away overseas. I found out that she's been in love with him for over a year. I am profoundly devastated. We had only ever been with each other. 18 years together, 3 girls. I came here in my shock and agony.
I remembered everything I've read by you about WW. She broke the covenant. I want no contact. Until this happened I was willing to help her in our separation, to remain friends and give our M some space and hope while I worked on myself. She has never had any consequences for her actions, and I don't feel that she understands the enormity of what she has done. I will not be her 'gay boyfriend', plummer, handyman, etc. As a man and a father, this is what my gut is telling me.
I don't want to punish her, but I think it's insane to allow someone to treat me and my children with such calculated disrespect. I have been her hero my whole life, loved her and provided for her through everything and have always been faithful. I was her best friend, and her mine. I would never spend time with someone who acted this way, nor enable them.
Because this OM is very unattainable due to the enormous distance and him having a family and children, it's not a normal A. It changes nothing in her heart, and I'm expecting her to possibly try and move overseas to be with him, but I would like to get your thoughts on this. Thank you so much for reading and all you have shared here. I am asking you for a gut-check.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
"Doesn't she want me to fight for our marriage"? "Won't this just push her further away"? "Won't she think I don't care about her"? "Won't this just push her into the arms of the OM"? "Won't she think I'm rude"? These are questions often asked by newcomers.
**OOOH..MY...GOD..!! SANDI2..YOU ROCK..^^^^THIS^^..Just started this thread and already my mind is blown..before I came here I started pulling away..it wasn't detachment just anger at being mistreated..W said those words to me along with 'you clearly don't mmiss me it's obvious you're moving on"..I fell for it and BOOM not 3 weeks late she files for D.. wanting to get as far away from me as possible "
If she is a WW, she does not want you to fight to save the M. The H has to accept the fact she has changed. She is not the girl he M. Her mindset is completely different from the woman you have known as your W. No, she doesn't want you trying to save the M, b/c she wants to get away from you and live as single woman. That is what she wants, and the more you fight her, trying to save the M, the worse things will get.
The WW often shows extreme coldness or meanness to her H b/c it is her way of telling him to back away and to not get any ideas that there's still hope for them. She is over him. She has no feelings left. She is doing all she can to discourage any attempts he may be considering. The best thing a LBH could do at this point is not show her how much he cares for her! She does not want him "proving his love".
Another fear of the LBH is pushing her into the arms of OM. There is no shame in anyone having these fears. They are legitimate. The hard fact is that the WW's A may get more intense before it begins to slowly die. Affairs are built on secrets, lies, passion, and emotions. Until cold reality is thrown in the mix, it won't fizzle quickly. Maybe some end within 6 to 9 months, but others can linger much longer. I believe it depends largely on the immediate actions of the LBH. How he reacts to his WW's behavior does have influence.......positive or negative. The way he pushes her further into OM's arms is "to push". He has to go the opposite direction from pushing.
The H can still fight for the M! He just needs to take a different approach from what he may have originally saw as fighting for the M. Most newcomer men see fighting for the M to mean talking her out of leaving and/or giving him another chance. It results in him fighting her........which is not fighting for the M.
The fear of losing his W and family can control the H and cause him to act every way that repulses his WW. We can tell him not to show these behaviors and he'll continue b/c of the fear controlling him. Esentually, that is what pushes her further away. It is not b/c the H stepped back. It is not b/c he detached and GAL. It is not b/c he stopped hovering over her and spending ever free minute around her. It is not b/c he stopped contacting her throughout the day.
"Won't she think I'm rude"? Really!? The H is worried that his wayward wife will think he's being rude? This is an example of how out of kelter the R has been for a long time. The H has to find the man he was designed to be. Women love manly men. That which sets him apart from her. Women may never tell their H what they really want, instead they tell them a bunch of other stuff he wasn't doing. Deep down, she wants that guy that makes her melt all the way down to her toes. What happen to guy? Where did he go? Can he be revived?
By becoming that man, first, then he may have the opportunity to become a better H. If he tries to reverse it, he may see her run for the hills. Sounds crazy? Yeah, but that's the craziness of the WW.
****apologies for double post...posti NV from phone ..and not quite gotten hang of posting quotes
[quote=sandi2]"Doesn't she want me to 3 for our marriage"? "Won't this just push her further away"? "Won't she think I don't care about her"? "Won't this just push her into the arms of the OM"? "Won't she think I'm rude"? These are questions often asked by newcomers.
**OOOH..MY...GOD..!! SANDI2..YOU ROCK..^^^^THIS^^..Just started this thread and already my mind is blown..before I came here I started pulling away..it wasn't detachment just anger at being mistreated..W said those words to me along with 'you clearly don't mmiss me it's obvious you're moving on"..I fell for it and BOOM not 3 weeks late she files for D.. wanting to get as far away from me as possible "
I've read everything (almost) you've written..I'm trying not to overthinking or get so bogged down that I don't pull the trigger..does it really matter if S is a waw or a ww..?in my case my s has had many EAs (in my mind anyway)..men that compliment her and she uses it as "see other men appreciate me"..an ex in another state who and she has refused to stop talking to...claiming I want to control and manipulate her..and quote "my mom agrees..I should be able to talk to who I want "
I dont know if any EA has turned into PA. I do know when I had my LDEA it was because she was planning a sexual rendevouz.. (I know.. no excuse..but having read your story, it resonates a little...innocuous chat room/playing games..daily interaction..my AP was also married..and the banter became more serious..as it felt good having a pleasant hey how was your day..anyway I digress)
I have a question, did you ever have pushback from H, making your way back excessively hard and you think why am I doing this ?.. And if you did ..what helped? .what kept you committed?
If your W is in any type of an A, then her heart is wayward. WW is only a term I use, and I maintain that a man cannot afford to show his more lenient side to her---as long as she is in an A, is disresptful, resentful, and rebellious to him. She sees his leniency as weakness.
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I have a question, did you ever have pushback from H, making your way back excessively hard and you think why am I doing this ?.. And if you did ..what helped? .what kept you committed?
Not sure exactly how you mean "pushback" from my H. He didn't do anything to make it excessively hard, but honestly, if I had thought he was dumping me.......I think the fog would have started clearing a lot faster. I did question myself. The point is that I was addicted to the feeling the A gave me. It's like choosing your M over your drug of choice.
The stark reality that suddenly hit me, was what worked to break through the fog. When I knew I could not lie to my adult children b/c I had been caught.
What kept me committed was this board! Not too many waywards show up on the board, but I did......and I had some very wise mentors.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
No, my H was not DBing. I wish I could tell posters all the things he did that affected my decision. He had no tools, and as far as I know, did not try to find any. When I decided to stay in my M, I pleaded with him to go with me to MC. He simply refused to see anyone about our problems.
My story runs true to most other WW's. The unusual part is that I was the one who accidentally stumbled upon this board and was desperate to have someone talk straight to me. I was still contacting OM when I joined the board.
It was nothing my H did that actually impacted my decision to stay in the M. I had always been the one to set the pace and nourish the relationship. He even told me that he expected to see me put a 100% efforct into working on the MR. That was nearly enough to make me walk out. I felt it had always been me to put the effort into the MR. I understand, now, why he said it, however, I had the mindset of a WW, at the time. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was to stay in the M and knowing that he would never change and be like I wanted him to be. So, he did not have anyone to tell him what to do and what not to say.
My decision was based on doing the right thing. My heart was not in it. My feelings wete dead. It was up to me to find a way to heal and to go forward, without depending or expecting him to put forth any more effort than he had ever done.
The one thing I can give him much credit is when he told me we would not remain friends if I decided to leave him. I was truly shocked! (Sounds just like a WW, huh?). I couldn't imagine my life without him wanting any friendship crumbs I threw him. He also told me that I could not leave and then expect to come back again. That also shocked me! Imagine him not wanting Sandi back! I thought he would be destroyed (Oh, The mindset of a WW).
He has been good to me. He forgave me. He has never thrown the A, or my behavior, in my face. He has continued to love me.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
