Is there a right or a wrong Decision

[Vanilla]

Ghost if movies help you distract and you have an iPad then you will have access to YouTube.

You can preload relaxation selections and just let the suggestions go from one to another on auroplay. They are chill out and have me snoozing in no time. I also project using my google home cast device to my TV. The psychedelics have me nodding away. Plus the TV is on timer. Watching exercise program's also is about the right tempo.

I also listen to TED talks and I have a play list of already heard Ted Talks which send me to sleep. I pick something interesting but not stimulating. Like quantum physics or the systems involved in computer programming. Sometimes I just go random.

Something carbohydrate also helps, (not sugar) but high carb with some great mouth feel. You can juice some root veg too and add a little hot water and honey.

V

[ATPeace]

Slightly better sleep last night but still not great

Goals for the next week work on trying to distance myself from wife

The main problem that I have got is right now nothing seems real

Most people that separate I guess move out and then stop interacting with each other I guess this is why they call it the bomb on the other hand I see my wife every day and she is keeping things pleasant

I am not quite sure how I am going to deal with the whole no longer going out with her and knowing my male friend who is also her friend and our children's God parent will be going out more often than I will be with her

At the moment we watch TV together and spend time together with the kids .....how the [censored] will I deal with not doing this any more when we do go to separate houses .....this is what scares me

I am starting to understand when they say YOU HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE GIFT ...THE GIFT OF TIME USE IT WISELY ....I now realise what this actually means time to start trying to use it wisely

[Vanilla]

Lets reframe this Ghost ok?

Firstly its the gift of time. Get working on you, with all haste and speed.

Secondly get working on you with all speed and haste

Finally get working on YOU!

Oh and by the way did I say put the focus on you?

I didnt, how remiss


V

[ATPeace]

Vanilla

We are talking detach GAL

I cohabit with my wife how the heck do I deal with still doing things as a family like family days out ....my w and I have always watched box sets on TV we have been doing together for ever do I stop this.

How do I deal with seeing her every day and trying to feel lesser feelings towards her

This is going to sound crazy but ...do I try to stop looking at her ....don't give her my time and attention ?

What about if we go out as a family ....I am guessing I just spend the time with my focus on my kids and not my wife whilst I am out and about.

[ATPeace]

So here is an example

In 10 mins we will be going out to the fire station they have an open day at the moment it looks like it will just be our two year old and me and W going

My other 3 kids do not want to go ..l am going to try and persuade my second youngest to go as well

[Azzork]

It's fine to go. Just treat her like you would a neighbor. Or an old lady boarder at your house.

Just not like a wife.

[Vanilla]

OK Ghost

Detachment is not about physical absence although in some sitches it's easier. It is about mental detachment.

It's about 'friendly' granny not cuddly grannie. It's about co parenting.

You stop the look of desire and have the look of friend. In many ways this means withdrawing back to friendly neighbour. It means going out GAL not box sets GAL.

Emotional distance, having your own independent life. Not waiting around to do joint things with WW. Going to an open firehouse with kids, great. Sitting on the couch watching box sets got you to where you are now! More of the same really?

Go GAL and very occasionally sit on the couch if it's something you are dying to see.

You have a life don't you? If not, you need one. I made the mistake of hanging around my home eventually locked in my own small space. I would not do that again.


V

[ATPeace]

V

This is the problem ..l honestly do not have much of a life out side of my marriage and my children and my work

I have very few true friends that I could go out with outside of work

Ok one of my hobbies is playing tennis but even the at the moment I just cannot find the drive to want to start playing it right now.

One of my good friends is also a good friend of the W so the last few times we met up we have ended talking about my situation He knows her side and I find he is not helpful with some of his advice.

I know she will be going out to a night club with one of her girl friends in the next week or two and there is a very good chance she might ask our good friend above to go as well .....I am envious of this.

I know and realise that I need to try to make new friends but for a 46 year old male ...this is not easy

I need to get out more ....I have been to a couple of local meet up but it just felt very strange being there and not being with my family.

I need to detach so that if and when she tells me she wants to go to separate houses I will be able to cope with this but I also hope that she might want to at some point to Rec and reform a loving R so I look for signs of her wanting to be arround me when I see something I think things are getting better but in reality things are static ...this is not necessarily a bad thing. She has said to me that we are actually doing more together and as a family now than we were pre Seperation.

Right now living in the same house as my W and being arround the kids means my experience of my separation is clouded it's real sure enough but it feels strange.

My W still enjoys my company we do things together
My W likes and wants her own space something she felt I did not give her during M

I was sleeping in today and she bought me up a coffee to my bedroom
Last night we both wanted to go to the gym so we went together ok we did our own things whilst there but we still chatted

She is treating me like a good friend and this is how she sees me right now she has told me she loves me as a friend but her feelings are not what they use to be.

I need to be ready for the moment when we no longer sit on the sofa watching box sets
I need to be ready for the moment when we do not all go to my mums house to see her
I need to be ready for the moment when I do not see her in our house every day
I need to be ready for the moment knowing that we both will not be arround to do breakfast for the kids
I need to be ready for the reality that we will not be going out for meals together
I need to be ready for the reality that we will not be going to the gym together
I need to be ready for the reality that we will not be going on holiday again together or together as a family
I need to be ready to face the possibility that when we go to separate houses she may want nothing more to do with me other than child hand overs

How do I know if she is ready for all the above

Sorry for going on sometimes it helps to get my thoughts down,

Not many questions

Thanks
Ghost

[Huddy]

This is the place to put your thoughts down. I think you really just needed to type 'I need to be ready'. That's it. So, have a look at properties etc. and look into your finances, decide what furniture you need, curtains and so on. You might never need it, but it does help if you know that you're gonna be able to live a life afterwards (if it comes to it) and not be in a cardboard box under a bridge.

Be a scout!

[Vanilla]

My lovely drop the I need to. You create resistance in yourself every time you say I need to do this or I need to do that. If someone else said that to you, you would say 'no I don't'.

Instead have a plan, choose to go to meet ups.

Just because it's unfamiliar doesn't make it wrong. It's just unfamiliar out of your comfort zone.

Do you remember learning to drive? How unfamiliar was that?

Now you drive automatically, like the rest of us!

So we adapt.

V