I don't feel ready to be here in piecing, but I do feel ready to be ready.
I have seen some HUGE baby steps and I really would like to believe that I belong here. So, here I go. I'll recap.
H and I best friends for 8 years, together 6, married 9/21/02. Aug 03, drops bomb-not sure if he still loves me. I beg, plead, yell, get angry, Dec 03, H tells me he doesn't feel anything for me. No love, no hate, just indifferent. Talk about D, I ask him for more time. H says no C, he doesn't think it will work, but he is reasonable guy and stays for a while longer. He really does want the R back the way it was, we were so very happy "in the beginning", but he doesn't believe he can ever love me again.
Very luckily, I do some DB stuff before finding the DR book or this BB. Not perfect, but enough to put off the D or sep until I could find it. 2/13 I find DR and this board, and the rest is history in the making.
I'm not liking this little sideline in our history, but it's still history being made, so here is the DB story.
Began working out to lose 70 lbs. I have lost 20 since Aug 03, but am stepping up my efforts. Have 50 left. Began wearing makeup again and dressing nicer. H says it doesn't matter to him if I am wearing makeup or looking good, but he always told me I was the most beautiful woman he ever knew, so it must mean something to him.
Began making breakfast and trying to keep house clean. Quit a few jobs (volunteer stuff for dogs, mostly) and being less stressed. Getting back to being friends and fun to be with.
Up til DB, H wouldn't ML, touch, or kiss me. Said he felt like he was touching his sister and it was too weird. We'd hug, but it was always a brief one, like I was a hot coal.
Baby steps: 2/14 I began today, acting "as if" and being my usual happy self. H hugged me twice at a party and patted me on the butt. 2/15 Went bowling and had a great time (according to H). Lots of laughter 2/17 Hugged me for a long time in our pantry before leaving for work. 2/19 Began expressing an interest in showing me movies that he loved from his past. We shared a blanket on the couch. 2/21 Mentioned that he saw changes in me (physical and otherwise.) We ML. He is suspicious the changes won't last. 2/22 Bet me a game in PS2 for ML. He won and got it 3x. 2/23 Warm hug before leaving, and called me several times during the day to share various things. 2/24 Thought I was sleeping and came in to turn out the light and kiss me on the forehead. Had been texting me all day on my phone. 2/26 Invited me to go to a comedy show in April. (Wouldn't make future plans until today.) 2/27 Went out with some of his coworkers (w/o H) and he showed some interest. 2/28 Very hot night, ML several times, H told me many times he thought I looked good. 3/1 Lots of concern for me, I was sick. Tucked me in, made me tea, showed concerned look on his face. More jealousy shown. 3/2 Kissed me almost on the lips (next to) and invited me to play PS2 with him as we "both had a stressful day" 3/3 Told me he really appreciates me making him breakfast and the changes I am making. KISSED ME ON THE LIPS! 3/4 Told me he cares about me, and showed a lot of jealousy when I went out after work. Lots of hugs. Kissed me the second (and last to date) time on the lips. 3/5 Held me while talking to the dogs, being generally silly and happy
Things were moving very quickly, but I have backslid and am reviewing my journal to find out where. 3/8 Backslid a bit, PMA was low, was in a bad mood. H thought I was suspicious and not trusting him. We cleared it up, but it seems to have put a damper on the babysteps. We go to a movie and I backslide a bit more. I backslid a huge amount over the weekend as I was anxious about having a great weekend. (Every other week we do not have his kids and go out and a huge baby step occurs. I stressed about it and blew it.)
I have decided I need to be more confident. When I am anxious (not usually me, but this sitch has stressed me a bit) I backslide. I want to portray a confident, capable, sexy woman and am beginning today to work on that. H has not called or text'd me all day, which is unusual of late, but I am taking the tact that I am beginning anew today with my DB efforts.
Also, to this day, although we ML much more than we have in years, H will not touch me and rarely opens his eyes. Says he still feels weird about it.
Yaaaayyyy! You made the jump! I think I'll be over right soon myself. I love how you've got all your babysteps ordered by date.
Quote: I have decided I need to be more confident. When I am anxious (not usually me, but this sitch has stressed me a bit) I backslide. I want to portray a confident, capable, sexy woman and am beginning today to work on that.
I think moving over here shows you are already on your way to being more confident!
It's nice to see you here. I agree in the self-fulfilling prophecy idea. Back in my early DB days, a successful Dber wrote on his thread (I can't remember who) that he always believed 100% in his heart that he would make it through. He never waivered from that belief. I remembered that post every time I felt my self waivering.
I think it is good that your H want to ML. Men feel love and connected through ML. I went 7 months w/o ML.
Your changes sound great. When I look back my H noticed all the changes even though he didn't comment or was suspicious at first. I did some of the same things, made breakfast, kept house nice, lost weight (I couldn't eat because my stomach was always in a knot) and H would say that none of these things would make a difference. Then the changes started to become routine and I believe that H liked it.
Just keep going slow and have lots of patience.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
You better come over Renew. You are such an inspiration with your patience and determination. So many can and have learned from you. Come on over. If I'm here, you definitely should be!
Christine, thanks for the kind words. I do believe we will make it. I still love this man with all my heart, and I believe he loves me. He has just been hurt and disconnected his feelings. He doesn't know how to find the road back to feeling that love again. I hope to be his guide, and I hope I continue to find strength in the posts surrounding me.
Quote: He doesn't know how to find the road back to feeling that love again. I hope to be his guide,...
This is one of your keys to success. Someone else (I don't remember who) described it as being a lighthouse or a beacon for him to find his way back. Show him unconditional love and draw him back.
You are right on the money here!!! Good DB thinking!
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Oh, and Renew, the babysteps are in date order because when I have a low PMA day and feel down, I go back and do exercises with my journal. One day I decided to go through and pull out all the baby steps so I could see in one place how much I have advanced in such a short amount of time. I find these exercises help me to really get up my PMA or fine tune what is or isn't working. I actually have an entry detailing the number of times we ML. H is LD and used to be every other week, and now it is every other day on average. Betterer and betterer.
Just wanted to chime in with my 2 cents - I think it takes unprecedented amounts of patience and trying to have absolutely ZERO expectation that seems to work. My W dropped the bomb in September, I went through all the usual pathetic behavior, I bottomed out about a month ago, which ironically enough prompted W to find a counselor, ostensibly to help me deal with her leaving, but guess what?? She likes the C too, and I am seeing teeny tiny baby steps - like a kiss this weekend, asking for a footrub last night. My sitch seems to be a bit less "dramatic" than others here, W is still at home, and if you were to be a casual observer, you would not believe there is anything wrong - we still go ut, go to all the kids' stuff, talk and laugh together - which is why none of this makes sense. But I guess that's why were in counseling, isn't it?
Sorry to hijack, what I meant to say was try to back off a bit, not to appear too desperate, try doing your own thing for a while, play with 180s and see what happens. These things appear to be working for me - especially the chilling out.
Ohboy, sounds very familiar! Outsiders do not have a clue what is going on between H and I. In fact, several coworkers and friends have told me that they wish they had a H as in love with them or they had a R as loving as ours. LOL. Guess that just goes to show you that things are not always what they seem.
Rottzilla is the name of my first Rottweiler. Her brother is Rottzuki. (Named after Godzilla and Godzuki) I fell in love with this dog at the pound and adopted her. She was (my XBF has her now, and I see her a lot) and is the best dog ever. I didn't know at the time what breed she is, but quickly fell in love with her and decided they weren't as bad as the media makes them out to be. I trained her with the state of CT police dogs and then took her to schools for education days about rescue or training and she ate up the attention. You all should have seen the look on the principal's face when about 30 kindergarteners pig piled on top of her and she just sat there as happy as a clam. (LOVES kids) She's been on television and has even rescued a few kids from being abused herself. She began my love affair with the breed, which I now rescue (along with other dog and cat breeds).
Quote: Guess that just goes to show you that things are not always what they seem.
Ain't that the truth!!
I think one of the things that might be helping my sitch is the fact that my wife's feelings were "outed" - we ran into a friend on our way out of the C's office. I think this took the issue out of just her head and is slowly getting exposed to the light of day.
SIL has rottweilers - I agree the breed gets a bad rap, just goes to show you that with the right amount of TLC, even the nastiest-looking creature can be tamed. Tru for spouses also
Quote: I still love this man with all my heart, and I believe he loves me. He has just been hurt and disconnected his feelings. He doesn't know how to find the road back to feeling that love again. I hope to be his guide, and I hope I continue to find strength in the posts surrounding me.
This shows what an amazing person you are. What beautiful and inspiring words.
