Get a lawyer. W has shown you for months that she can't be trusted so why would you trust her in a divorce? At the very least go see one for an initial consultation and have them review the agreement before you sign it. She doesn't need to know. Just my 2 cents.
M: 48 W: 45 Married: 16 years D1-14, D2-11, D3-9 BD: May 29 She moved out 2 weeks later with kids Awaiting mediation
I agree that it's best to at least CONSULT a lawyer. Maybe YOU should be getting child support! Knowledge is power. At least it can possibly take some fear of the actual result away.
I have some other thoughts on the rest of your posts but I don't have time to post right now.
Azzork - I would love to hear what you have to say. Advise away please! In my state, you can file without a lawyer. We have agreed to go this direction. I have the papers in front of me now. It is a stack! She wants the divorce, has moved in with her mom, the kids have started school this week, and I have been taking care of them. She will have them tomorrow at her mom's for her first overnight with them. I am going to go to work and then out for the night.
ERIC! I forgot to come and post yesterday. I will later this AM.
But for now, why the heck would you NOT consult a lawyer on this. You don't have to USE one. But you should know your rights. You already know she's talked to at least 2. Do you REALLY think she has YOUR best interest in mind right now??
So, I am going to let her have the D and I am going to move on. Im not sure I saw this anywhere, so Ill ask you here. What are your goals Eric? Its been what, 6 weeks since BD and youre already ready to give up on your marriage? Ultimately, its your decision on what to do. But in my opinion "moving on" means closing the door on this relationship, and from the tenor of your posts, that doesnt seem what you want to do? My advice is to let her live her life with her decisions now. In the meantime, you take this time to grow into the person you want to become. Then, when youre ready, you can worry about closing the door on this. There are many stories of WWs coming back 6 weeks, 6 months or 6 years later. Are you ready to take that off of the table?
I don't think I can trust her anymore if we were to reconcile (she doesn't want to at this point, but even if she wanted to do so in the future - I don't think I could trust her). Of course you cant trust her right NOW. I say dont worry about this until youre in a position to possibly R.
She has not admitted to the affair even though all the evidence is there. She maintains he is just a friend and he is supporting her. LOL. Why would she admit it right now? You are going along with everything shes suggesting. You arent even talking to a lawyer to see if shes screwing YOU. My W admitted the affair the minute after the agreements were signed. You know what you know, why are you ignoring it?
I don't buy it, but like I said, I don't want to fight it anymore. The two of them are both cheaters and I believe they are meant for each other. Nobody is telling you to fight the D. If youre in quicksand, what does fighting do? You cant change her decisions through your words right now. But, you should fight for yourself and for your kids. Make sure you are happy with any deal you do sign...Nobody else is looking out for you.
I have the opportunity to be the rock for my kids, so I am taking it. It SOUNDS like you are getting tossed around in her craziness right now. Let her waves crash around you as you stand as the rock for your family. I dont see how throwing in the towel on your relationship proves to them that you are the rock.
Azzork, what you are saying makes sense. I just am reporting what I feel. I feel like it is over. I feel like I can not be happy living like this...in limbo waiting for her. I feel she is making a huge mistake and she will soon realize it. I feel like if she told me today that she wants me back I would not want her back. I can't trust that what she says. I can't trust her. I don't want her back after she has caused me this much pain. I know the kids' best interest is for us to stay together. Financially, it is best to jot get a divorce. But, for me personally, I feel like I am killing myself slowly with stress, pain, and fear. She said she wants a divorce. I told her I accept that and let's get it going. I keep asking her when we can sit down and work out the final details. She keeps putting it off. I don't know what she is up to. OM is also getting a divorce right now. I wonder if their affair is on the rocks already or of she is getting ready to drop another bomb - like serving me papers that are not 50/50 custodsy, include child support, or if she is now trying to figure out how to get me out of the house and her back in. She did message me the other day and asked me why she had to be the one to leave the house n I told her again that I thought it best for the kids that I have them in the house for stability while she searches for happiness.
Eric, I've been in this situation some 10 months now. Although we are still living in the same house and there is no AP in my situation maybe WAW/MLC the stress pain and fear took months to start to subside but it does get some what easier to handle. Just keep going.
I just am reporting what I feel. I feel like it is over. I feel like I can not be happy living like this...in limbo waiting for her. I feel she is making a huge mistake and she will soon realize it. I feel like if she told me today that she wants me back I would not want her back. I can't trust that what she says. I can't trust her. I don't want her back after she has caused me this much pain. I know the kids' best interest is for us to stay together. Financially, it is best to jot get a divorce. But, for me personally, I feel like I am killing myself slowly with stress, pain, and fear.
All those things in blue are perfectly valid. I certainly understand WHY you feel that way. They are certainly reasonable feelings to be had.
The things I put in bold are your conclusions based on those feelings.
Here's the thing: FEELINGS ARENT PERMANENT. Do you always feel hungry? or sick? or tired? or happy? So I think you are better off not taking permanent stances based on these feelings. Thats like building a house on a foundation of sand, in my opinion.
Originally Posted By: EricT
She said she wants a divorce. I told her I accept that and let's get it going. I keep asking her when we can sit down and work out the final details.
Im confused. Does she want the divorce or do you? I thought you DIDNT want to be divorced. If so, why are you pushing to make it happen?
Originally Posted By: EricT
She keeps putting it off. I don't know what she is up to. OM is also getting a divorce right now. I wonder if their affair is on the rocks already or of she is getting ready to drop another bomb - like serving me papers that are not 50/50 custodsy, include child support, or if she is now trying to figure out how to get me out of the house and her back in.
As difficult as it is, theres no benefit to mind reading here. Theres any number of reasons that she could be putting this off. Youll never know. All guessing does is play tricks on your head and cause you to fill in blanks however you see fit.
Originally Posted By: EricT
She did message me the other day and asked me why she had to be the one to leave the house n I told her again that I thought it best for the kids that I have them in the house for stability while she searches for happiness.
No! She has to leave because she doesnt want to be married any more. Why should you leave - you are trying to keep your marriage together, right? Its not that its best for the kids - this comes off as preachy...like she doesnt know what is best for her children. She has to leave because she wants to leave. Simple as that.
