Onwards and upwards

[Avanti]

I feel like I've reached a bit of a brick wall today.

Life in general feels really good, lots going on, lots of positives, I feel relaxed and present. All I am getting from my W, in what little communication there is and it's all electronic or letters from her L, is stress, anger, frustration, nastiness and pressure to move forward with the D. In fact for me, it almost feels like when I put W, I mean weirdo not wife, it is so strange.

Frankly, I am amazed at how in control I feel, thanks to input and inspiration from everyone here, but I can't help wonder if I am missing a trick about trying to make a connection with my W, as frankly it feels like the connection is getting thinner with each interaction to a point where it's almost non-existent.

Is this good, bad or part of the process and The "it gets worse before it gets better" that is mentioned by many?

[PigPen]

I'm going to be the jerk that says, "It just is" Beagely. There's no this or that to it. She's on her own path. You can do everything right and she may pull away. You can make every mistake and she may connect.

You just don't know what she's going to do or why so keep doing all of the things that are leaving you feeling like you're in control, relaxed, and present. That's great work. Whether she notices, doesn't, responds, or doesn't shouldn't sway you from your path.

All you can control is you right?

Keep taking care of you.

PP

[Avanti]

Nice one PP, thank you. I got distracted by her and you've set me back on track, that I was on anyway in many respects, just a touch of nerves I guess...

I think I'd also become a little distracted by some other materials that talk about "connection" and it set me wondering. It picked at my "fix it" mentality and in many ways shows I've got that part of me under control as I didn't do anything other than ponder and post here.

What will be, will be, with a bit of DB to help along the way.

[Huddy]

I hear you Beagley. Frustration is the biggest problem. Why do you have to abide by her timetable?

[Avanti]

Thank you for dropping by Huddy.

I don't have to abide by her timescale and we haven't begun the conversation about who gets what assets yet, so pushing for the D is a bit pointless in many respects hence the sense that she's stressed, frustrated and angry at me, probably for everything. She's been gone only 3.5 months and the OM is a twice divorced individual so he's probably winding things up too, who knows. The good news is that I am not in any way freaking out and will take my time to ensure everything is done correctly as her L doesn't appear to be very on the ball.

The bit I do have to keep a tight reign on is the need to "fix things" by acting. Being dark while GAL is an action, so simply reminding myself of this seems to does the trick.

[Huddy]

OM is twice divorced? Wow, he really likes wedding cake. Just let it calm down a bit. My old buddy NDY said, when his wife was giving him hassle, just tell her that 'I will consider your letter and get back to you'. Frustration works both ways!

[Avanti]

OM is twice divorced? Wow, he really likes wedding cake...

Yep, a good cake eater for sure. :-)

That's good advice you give and the phrase, "that needs some further thought" is a common one in my communication.

What isn't clear is what timescales, if any, the legal process expects you to work to and if it can force your hand; I'll talk with my L on Monday to ensure complete understanding on that side.

Am all for, and actively acting to encourage that the calming down bit (me, a bit although mainly her). Frankly, if she takes too long it'll be too late for me to consider any reconnection with her. If I was asked the question, "is it too late?", "that needs some further thought" will be the answer - see it's everywhere. :-)

My philosophy is it took 20+ years to get to this point, what's a few more days/weeks/months, to ensure the rest of my life is what I want it to be and with whom...?

[Huddy]

A work mate said to me, when I was getting eaten up about how much time this is taking, 'It's less than 1% of your life. Compared to 15 years, it's nothing'. Wise words me thinks.

[Avanti]

Very wise indeed.

[Avanti]

I felt sad today as both of my grown up kids said, independently just recently, that they don't feel like they have a mum. My D says she just friends with her and S won't speak to her anymore.

Their relationships with me are tickertyboo, but I can't help feeling sad for them, there's a big whole in their lives...

My D said "someone just needs to give her (the W) a right telling off, so she comes to her senses", I explained about the fog surrounding my W's thinking and there's not much anyone can do except wait to see if she gets clear of it. I did get the sense that this made my D feel a little more dejected as she is watching someone so important to her slip away because she's seeing my W in fantasy land with OM on FB (I have her blocked as I am a simply not interested) and that's my D's only contact with her mum, apart from the odd phone call.

She doesn't even know where she's living (the MIL, SiL and D have deduced an approximate location (town and trailer park) nothing more), it's so sad, but undoubtedly all my fault in my W's min, certainly not in the kid's minds though.