Still Looking Inside

[mleigh4]

Hi Bright. Thanks for the support. Ya know, for the first time in 2 years I feel in control of my life. I still have my moments, when H throws me off balance, but I manage to get grounded again. I have learned so much about myself through this experience and know exactly what to do when I need to rebalance.

I also see improvement happening in H, at a snails pace, but he still has so much to do. In the meantime I am moving forward, and starting to believe a part of me is moving on. No man has truly gotten my attention since this happened, until this homebuyer guy....I am not saying anything will happen with him, but I am hoping our paths will cross again.....it's exciting but also really sad. It honestly makes me sad to think H and I may be nearing our end. IDK, trying not to think too much about it, but it floats around my mind a lot.

I keep in mind these emotions are based on who H is today and he is not the man I fell in love with anymore. So seems natural that my feelings for him would fade.

[CaliGuy]

Wow M ... look at you. Don't be wearin the short skirts and having that hair all teased out during Kiddie drop off

I think its natural what you are going through ... I was there. 'The Date' still makes me laugh a bit ... was at a time I just was done with W, moving on, and wanted to put a pinkie toe in the water ... OMG that sounded WAY dirtier than I intended
Anyways ... I think for me it was just that whole abandoned cast aside thing, OP or not ... just wanted to know if I 'had it' and that date confirmed I had plenty, was a great date but I just knew I did not want to push further ... but for a week or two it was nice having someone fresh interested, in a way I could relate to the affair drug in that sense.

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- good for you for handling the recent situations w/H, especially the angry spew. It can be hard, in the moment, not to get dragged into that mess! As for regretting not validating enough, sometimes there just isn't too much to validate.

Good to hear you are in a good head space.

[mleigh4]

Cali, don't worry big bro, I will keep it cool at kiddie drop off. Might curl the hair though! If only we could post pics, I have some great 80's pics with my hair a good 2 inches high! I remember your date well. Did you feel like you were betraying your W? That has been a tough spot for me. I want to behave the way I want my H to behave, so I get really torn on this! However, H is the one who has rejected me, in some horrible ways, for 2 years now. I guess I should not feel guilty for finally feeling attracted to someone, doesn't mean anything will come of it.... At least I know I still have that in me. A year ago I was numb.

Hi Hawho. You would be correct, not much to validate, especially in that conversation. I get so tired of his obsession of who S will be 15 years from now. H is missing NOW. He has already missed so much these past 2 years....I hope he can repair the damage he is doing someday with his S.

Just journaling an explanation of how I had posted that in the first time in 2 years I feel in control of my life. I actually have felt that way since shortly after H moved out. What has changed recently is the feeling of control that I felt H had of our R. I am now feeling like the one with the upper hand, the one who will decide what is best for S and I. I am no longer worrying about what H may be thinking, I am focused on my own feelings. I feel strong.

[CaliGuy]

Cali, don't worry big bro, I will keep it cool at kiddie drop off. Might curl the hair though! If only we could post pics, I have some great 80's pics with my hair a good 2 inches high! I remember your date well. Did you feel like you were betraying your W? That has been a tough spot for me. I want to behave the way I want my H to behave, so I get really torn on this! However, H is the one who has rejected me, in some horrible ways, for 2 years now. I guess I should not feel guilty for finally feeling attracted to someone, doesn't mean anything will come of it.... At least I know I still have that in me. A year ago I was numb.

Hi Hawho. You would be correct, not much to validate, especially in that conversation. I get so tired of his obsession of who S will be 15 years from now. H is missing NOW. He has already missed so much these past 2 years....I hope he can repair the damage he is doing someday with his S.

Just journaling an explanation of how I had posted that in the first time in 2 years I feel in control of my life. I actually have felt that way since shortly after H moved out. What has changed recently is the feeling of control that I felt H had of our R. I am now feeling like the one with the upper hand, the one who will decide what is best for S and I. I am no longer worrying about what H may be thinking, I am focused on my own feelings. I feel strong.

LOL @ you .... I have some serious 80's crap songs rolling around in my head at the moment.

At the time ... noo I did not feel I was betraying my wife 'we were separated so its not cheating' right??!! ... ugh, well in my mind it was just going out for drinks, I was not looking to connect/score .. though I could have pursued and probably done whatever. I felt worse in a way using the girl to test myself ya know? Like you said .. I too was numb and just wanted to 'feel' if only for a night/week .. whatever some kind of thrill/rush to confirm I was desirable in some form. I do recall on the drive there I thought about W ... had the thought of her walking in and seeing me then shrugged and mentally flipped her off with all she did to me at that time. I do not think that was the right way to look at it ... but as usuall I am honest here if anything.

I do like how you feel the shift in power ... its a nice change no? I recall getting there vividly too. That sense of .. Ok go be crazy in your sandbox .. I have mine just the way I like is and you are not going to make a mess of this one too .. go clean up yours first.

[HaWho]

Wow-Mleigh, great point regarding H missing present time with S as he is so worried about future S!

I understand what you mean about hoping H can repair damage w/S. It is hard to go through this w/children in tow.

Amazing to hear how strong you feel! Good work.

[mleigh4]

Cali, I can relate. I would LOVE to just go have dinner or drinks with someone, but have wondered many times...what do I say about my sitch? I suppose I just say we are separated and leave it at that....but in my heart I know if H said he wants to work on M, I would want to try. Is that fair to someone? Is it fair to hold myself back because of that?

Hhmmmmmm. Maybe one of those times you just let it roll and see what happens.

I too relate to that feeling of having someone seem interested in you and the rush of getting to know someone new, the A drug. HOWEVER, would never consider it while in a committed marriage so still no free pass for an A. But ya, I get what you are saying.

[mleigh4]

Hawho, even more hilarious is H lecturing me on how important it is for S to know RESPONSIBILITY and HARD WORK. How he needs to learn how to earn things by putting in effort and hard work....

Um, can he look in the mirror and see the example he is setting for S by bailing on his home and marriage please? Running from problems when life gets a little tough instead of facing them? Holding his family in limbo for 2 years?

He should be grateful that he has me in S life to keep his world calm and balanced, with structure and routine. Letting S play his IPad is no comparison to the damage H is doing.

MLC is for the birds!

[HaWho]

Like I said, sometimes, there is not much to validate!

However, excellent opportunity to practice detachment by changing the station in your head to elevator music: all the leaves are brown and the sky is grey. . .

[mleigh4]

Lol Hawho! Actually, I have Indian flute music on my Pandora. Works wonders!!

Oh, and I now sleep with my alarm clock background sound of crickets every night.