I think that's a great attitude to have man. It's definitely a step in the right direction. The more you pursue and pressure, the more she will move away.
When the marriage is good, you are both in the middle. The beam is in balance. When one person moves towards independence you naturally slide towards them which propels them further from you. If you also begin moving to independence, the beam gets back in balance, she slows her slide away from you. Eventually you might both come back to the center. But in this way, you must think of the pressure, or the relationship conversations as you pushing her into independence.
I personally would not start any discussion about your M, but if she speaks to you about it, listen, look her in the eyes, validate what she says and try to keep your emotions from being affected by any of it. It's tough, but it will work much better than if you press her.
Keep at it man, we are here for you. Just remember you are not alone, and that all of this is human nature. It's documented and well understood. Your pain and fear is also natural, and you must not own too much of this. It's not all your fault. Period. You have a right to be happy, and you cannot fix her or her feelings. You can only control yourself.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
I learned something new today and that's always a good thing.
When my wife and I are discussing our marrige and she 's had enough and doesn't want to talk and more and I don't respect my wife's boundaries and keep begging & pleading that's a form of bullying. When she's had enough I should and will respect her wishes and stop talking.
I think this will be easier said then done. If I don't respect her, how will she ever respect me?
Thoughts? Experiences? Insights?
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
I had the same problem when trying to talk to my W about our M. She would want to end the conversation but I wouldn't. Yes, this is completely disrespectful and bullying. I have not had any M or R talks with her for 16 days now. I know this seems like not a long time to some of you but its pretty good for me.
M:39 W:40 S:10 S:7 D:12 BD:3/5/15 Separate BR:3/5/15 W moved out with kids 1/3/16
Don't have much to contribute as I am also working on detachment myself. It is definitely hard and I find myself always falling back into speaking about the R/M. I have taken a very big stand in my sitch by asking her to move as she is the one that wants out of the M, and as of now I feel good about my decision, as if I gotten back some of my self-respect and self-worth.
Just wanted to give you support and tell you to hang in there, you are not alone in this.
M: 34 W: 33 S: 7 S: 14 months BD: 6/2015 Separation: 6/2015 Back and Forth between Home and Moms
Today was a day that would normally have made me frustrated to no end but because it didn't involve my wife and marriage I actually enjoyed the distraction. If you haven't experienced what we're going through it might not make any sense at all.
MrBond, the neighbor detachment technique is one I think will work well for me, Thank you.
Solo15, I love the balancing beam visualization, it allows you to see exactly what pursuing your spouse does to the relationship. For me visualizations quickly give me a more complete understanding of the process. Thanks for the support.
tkdmme, when I read about not respecting her boundaries as a form of bullying I stopped it immediately and will never do it again. Having bulled her like this in the past can be attributed to ignorance. I can live with that. Bullying her now, would be selfish and I could not live like that. Thanks for sharing your actions with me. It seems that strong emotions can get me off balance, thus back to Solo15's balance beam visualization. Thanks for sharing.
EMMess, Thanks for jumping in, your always welcome. I struggled with detachment for many months. I lurked here, read the words but was could not make it happen. I joined about 2 weeks ago and I have made more progress now then in the last 6 months. I think writing and sharing ideas back and forth make a big difference. Keep posting. You asking your wife to move since she is not sure about the marriage makes complete sense to me. I never offered to move out of the bedroom. Thanks for the support.
I have not cried in 3 days, sell you Kleenex stock!
Thank you PigPen. Was your pen name chosen in tribute to Ronald McKernan, also known as Pigpen? He was a founding member of the Grateful Dead. I love his work.
The GAL seems a little easier to manage then the PMA. With the GAL, you create plans,follow a schedule, have a routine and live. The PMA is free floating and seems to be more easily affected by the day to day turbulence of life. The PMA is doable just something more hands on for me at this stage of my evolution.
The PMA is free floating and seems to be more easily affected by the day to day turbulence of life. The PMA is doable just something more hands on for me at this stage of my evolution.
I claim that with a PMA, you are less affected by the day to day turbulence. The PMA is just that - an attitude. Doesnt mean youre always happy. Just means that you choose to celebrate the positives and allow the bad things to fall away.
Have you watched the TED talk by Shawn Achor on The Happiness Advantage?
