Huddy - I think what Sotto is saying is that the way youre writing is that you did your part, cleaned up your act, made your changes, etc, and now its time to just sit back and wait for your W to crack. There is no end point on this journey - our lives should be about KAIZEN (Japanese term for continuous improvement). So you took the bad things and made them good. Now its time to look for the good things and make them great.
You still cant control your W, so keep doing the things youve been doing.
Ah, I thought what Sotto was saying was something different. I guess that is just lost in translation, so to speak!
I'm certainly not sitting back. As I write this, I'm bathing the kids. I enjoy it and it gives W time to be alone - thinking time. Since coming home, I've made my tea (evening meal), fixed my SD's window and now bathtime. Not bad for an hour!
W has bought some new tops. She looks fantastic. But, I can't say anything as that would be pursuing. She currently has on a black, backless number. That's the hard bit. I want to tell her how beautiful she looks; how sexy she is, but, I just know that she'll know the rope is back on, so I just sit with numb lips!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Maybe theres still a little bit missing in the translation. We dont mean "sitting back" to mean like coming home and waiting on the couch. Youve made many changes and are continuing to do them. It's more of a sitting back in a DB way. You set goals at the outset and according to you, you have completed them. So whats the next step on your journey? As I mentioned, I think it's time to set NEW goals. What are the next changes for Huddy? You may need to dig a little deeper this time to figure out what kinds of things you want to do.
W gave me a stare last night. Not an angry one, just a 'stare'. Was it a call to talk? Just looked back and said nothing. Frustration is the killer in all this!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
You have immense patience Huddy and that is making things good fro you. The more you focus on you the more you'll get these moments, it's that counter-intuitive thing.
Your new goals now become even more important so you are clear in your mind what your big picture is so anything that changes can be seen as a move towards or away from your goals; they'll also help ensure there's no sliding back.
- Nobody has ever learnt anything important from happiness and success; problems make us grow - Consult your plan, not your feelings - If you haven't set goals, how can you expect to achieve anything?
Hi Huddy, what I'm trying to get at is that DBing works on more than one level. At it's most superficial, we adopt a strategy to try and get the M back on track. But at a deeper level, we are encouraged to look at things which would make the second M a better one - more sustainable, successful and happier. And our own lives more fulfilling, regardless what happens in the M.
I'm asking if you are operating on the first level, but not the deeper one. You have made some changes, which I applaud. But instead of engaging at a deeper level - you're saying 'it's really up to W to play the next shot.' So, instead of thinking that - why not think about some bigger questions?
How happy was I in this M? What dynamics were there between me and W? Were they helpful? Unhelpful? How well do I look after my own happiness? How could I be a better partner to someone going forwards? How could they be a better partner for me? What scares me most in life? Why? What do I want my life to be like going forwards - with or without my W?....
I'm getting the sense that you are willing to DB on a 'practical' level, but not a deeper emotional one. That you avoid 'going there.' Does this make sense at all my friend? I think the risk if we don't 'go there' is that we may get the M back - but will we know what to do with it? Equally, we may not manage to save our M's and would hope to build a better R with someone else next time round.
Last edited by Sotto; 08/21/1507:53 AM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I have looked at those things on the second level and I have made some observations to myself. Normally, W would be my sounding board, but she's vacated the room right now.
I was happy in the M. I have never felt the need to cheat, despite getting two advances, I always said 'no thanks, I'm happily married'. It is only when W stared to have her MLC, for want of something better to call it, that she started to be less affectionate etc. That never affected our SL.
Me and W were so close that we could finish each others sentences and we knew what each other was going to say/do prior to the other person saying it. That's why we always said that we were soul mates.
Personal happiness would be improved by having more money and holidays etc., but with my S that is difficult. There is a reorganisation at my workplace shortly, that may improve matters that way. Sometimes I think W wanted more holidays/money, but these seem superficial.
I have thought about life without W. If she goes, I plan to go to Hong Kong at some point (it's always somewhere I wanted to go, W didn't) for a holiday. If W comes back, then we need to work on the problems that she feels brought it to this. I have no problem with that, but, as I say communication is the key and that's just not happening right now.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Huddy, I'm with you on the more holidays and more money!! I haven't had much of either lately too...
I guess I was thinking more along the lines of internal growth and wondered whether you were looking at anything within yourself at all? Do I recall you mentioning that you had a difficult time earlier in your life with your FOO?
Do tell me to go away if this isn't helpful to you...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
If you mean my father, yes I had a problem with him. He cheated on my mother with my auntie and we had a fractured relationship from the time I was 8. I know he had other 'relationships' with women when he worked abroad (I even found naked pictures of him and a woman half his age in Russia from the 1980's)so, that is why I am very anti-cheating.
I am of the opinion that when you have found somebody you love and feel confident enough to settle down with, then that should be that. Everyone has 'problems', but we never did (well, none I ever knew about).
My W comes from a mixed background. Her father is arab and mother is from UK. When she was 15, her father tried to get her into an arranged marriage and she left the family home to live with her auntie and didn't return. They didn't talk for years, but they made up eventually. This is my main fear. W, even when she knows that it is in her best interests to patch things up, will not initiate. I believe it took her mother to get the two together to patch up their relationship.
I hope you see where I'm coming from here. I call it stubbornness, my W might see it as something else, but my real big fear is I'm missing the signs (the dressing up etc.) as a beacon for me to talk, that I'm not taking up, hence the comment about W taking the next shot.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
