legally separating

[beckyb]

Lack of sleep is killing me. Last night I went to sleep without drugs and dreamed I paid someone $1000 to kill H. I woke about about 1:30 and took some Ambien. Feel terrible this morning. Today H is moving to his apartment and tomorrow I am going back home. It's really weighing on me. Plus yesterday he texted me asking me if he had mail. He knows I have not been home for 2 1/2 weeks. And he was at house yesterday so he knows if he has mail. Is he probing to see if I've been home, is he just messing with me, did he just want to talk? I don't get it.. Sine I have gone dark only gave a very brief response.

[Azzork]

Plus yesterday he texted me asking me if he had mail. He knows I have not been home for 2 1/2 weeks. And he was at house yesterday so he knows if he has mail. Is he probing to see if I've been home, is he just messing with me, did he just want to talk? I don't get it.

Chalk it up to "another day in crazy town". No way to predict why he would ask about this, so dont bother trying to guess. Maybe he forgot where the mailbox is. Keep worrying about you, Becky. Youre stronger than you think.

[Cadet]

Lack of sleep is killing me. Last night I went to sleep without drugs and dreamed I paid someone $1000 to kill H. I woke about about 1:30 and took some Ambien. Feel terrible this morning.

Although this is not a commercial and I own no stock in this company, check into Bach rescue remedy or rescue sleep.

It is over the counter herbs and should help you sleep and calm you down.

Worked for me!

[beckyb]

Thanks Cadet. I'll check it out.

[ep0215]

Cadet and Beckyb - I haven't tried it yet but that is exactly what my IC recommended to me last week. I take Melatonin but if I wake in the middle of the night my body thinks I slept all night and I am up.

[beckyb]

I am very strong. I know this. I don't understand why I still hold out hope that he will change his mind after they way he has treated me. I must be a little nuts.

I truly hope getting back in my home, doing a little re-decorating and getting some sleep will help me re-focus on me. I was keeping very busy in the beginning but exhaustion has taken over.

I also need to remind myself I'm only a couple of months into this and BD and PA came as a complete shock. I'm probably still in shock.

[Cadet]

The only thing I have found with rescue sleep is that you need to use it when you have at least 4 hours of sleep ahead of you, it does not work for an hour or two nap as you will not feel good if you wake up early.

[beckyb]

GAL tonight. H moved out. Bought a new bed. Hanging out with my sister and doing some redecorating. Trying to make the house my own, if even for a little while.

[beckyb]

Just venting. I know there's not really an answer for what I am feeling. Feeling very discouraged and anxious this morning. I honestly don't know why I am still holding out hope. In all likelihood H moved in with OW this week. Since she left her H in a different state to come here it's going to be very hard to get out of that if my H would ever decide he wants to. He has filed for divorce and has not given any indication he is having doubts and has never offered to work on our marriage. Lots of "I'm sorry I'm hurting" you but no action.

I am not pursuing, have gone as dark as possible. We were living mostly separately before he moved out.

I am working on GAL, although a lot of the time I'm just going through the motions. I figure I'll fake it until i make, right?

[V2pt0]

Yes, fake it until you make it and keep working on you. If your H just moved in with OW, then things are going to get a bit more real. Having an distance A versus living together are two very different things. My guess is that the fantasy has a better chance to start wearing off now. Maybe he will see the grass in not greener with OW.

In the meantime, work on you and make yourself in to the Becky 2.0 that only a fool would leave. For all intensive purposes, I just kicked my H out and exposed to him that I knew who the OW is. He had been lying and living in his fantasy for at least 4 months. I think he has likely been staying with her and A is no longer secret. They also do not know if I will tell employer. My hope is that this puts pressure on them both and starts making A seem not so much the fantasy dreamland it was. So, now I am really focusing on me. Maybe it implodes and he sees the light, maybe not. Either way I win by becoming BT 2.0.