Avidya; means ignorance, a lack of knowledge, learning and scholarship. In its spiritual sense it means the lack of self-knowledge that leads to material, egoic consciousness, which is the cause of all suffering.
I thought I would share the meaning of the word I chose for the title of this thread. Makes sense to me.
It's just dinner. Sounds like you'll have lunch for tomorrow too.
As for the other stuff. No, you do not deserve that. The only person at fault for an A is the person that chooses to do it. You created the opportunity, but it was her choice. With that said, it doesn't really matter right now.
I agree, now its a moot point. Just another brick in the wall. I'm just glad not to own it any more.
I am going into this weekend with a PMA. I visualize the man I want to be which is to treat my wife and children in a way so that in 5 years I will say "I managed and behaved the best way possible".
I find having a dialogue with people here cathartic. Starting to post and interact is much more therapeutic then lurking and reading.
When you get those urges to talk and beg just realize it really wont help at all. Its only to push you further from your goal.
Detachment is a very difficult thing to do and not something you will get overnight, or even likely in a few months. Realizing that this is her journey is a good step in that process, it lets you realize you aren't in control. Once you realize that you can begin to focus on yourself instead of W and start to fix the things you didn't like about yourself. You're here to fix you, not the M, not W.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
Thank you for responding Fogg. I have read your posts on other threads. I like the way you think.
All spring and most of this summer I wasted my time trying to reach, convince and enlighten my wife. Epic fail! All I got for my hard work was a wife who stopped wearing her wedding ring and a wife sleeping in the other room. I decided to stop lurking here and post because I had nothing that worked. By posting I am thinking more deeply about the process and how to integrate into my life. I think when I lurked it was a intellectual exercise in understanding. By posting I am understanding with more breadth and depth.
Your spot on with it being about me. I see it now, it is the only way out of suffering. After my wife's EA/PA I was so afraid of losing her I developed a codependent aspect to our already struggling marriage. This is how twisted I had become. I have not fully fixed myself yet but at least I know how to go about it. I see the path now, I am no longer lost and crying about it.
I am grateful for another day and must remember the mantra "today I may die" so that I make the right choices in the interaction with my loved ones and the world.
Since post I feel better during the day but my mind is racing when I try to sleep. I guess this is how the pendulum swings. It seems that as I evolve new thing arise. Like if I have to finish the food on my plate, every time I take a bite someone puts another heaping on the plate.
"Jane, get me off this crazy thing" - George Jetson
Just wanted to pop in and encourage you. It sounds like you are starting to make the shift in your mind into a place that will gain you your freedom.
I can say that I've been separated for about 3 months now, and only now am I able to really detach. I think about it all the time, and I have good days and bad. I think it comes down to momentum. You can't stop a freight train on a dime. We build so much momentum in our lives, especially in our relationships. Years of memories, of trials, goals, dreams. They are a huge weight moving at high speed.
It takes time to slow that train down. It takes effort. I am finally reaching a new stage of detachment, and it only came after moving through the pain. Drawing the poison out little by little. Giving it up, and letting it go. Creating a new space for you to live in, even in your own mind.
We pattern ourselves to love one woman, our heart grows around her, and over the years our identity, our self esteem becomes wrapped up in that person. But as you detach, as you pull away, you will start to become stronger, and you may realize that you are an attractive person, with a rich and full future ahead of you. When was the last time you felt desirable or sexy? That will happen again.
I highly recommend going to the gym. Lifting weights. Start with compound movements like benchpress, deadlifts, squats, military press, etc. Does not matter how old or young you are, it's amazingly good for you. It will trigger a ton of good hormones, you will look better, feel better. The weights are honest, they don't change, and you can conquer them. You have to do this for yourself. It is something you can control. If you are overweight, then lose it. Focus on what you can control. It's not good for all this pain to be trapped up in your head. Use your body to channel some of it out. It really works.
Good luck man, you are doing great.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
I think about the future a lot and this is a waste of time since the future is not here. I am pleasant to my wife but I focus on my work and the kids. I really want no regrets in the future about how I handled this mess. Instead of grasping on future problems that may never materialize I am going to work on me in the present, physically, mentally and emotional. I will find joy from my kids and this will be enough for me.
Solo15, I believe your right about shifting my mind. Thank you for you thoughts. I love the freight train analogy. My train needs to dump a lot of excess baggage before it gets going again. It's funny you mention going to the gym. I am seriously considering joining a gym and doing exactly that. It would have to be in the fall.
Hi all, Just came back from dinner with the wife and kids. I am starting to get pissed off. She won't look at me at all. She only talks to me when I ask her a direct question. We are out with the family and she ignores me. Up to now I would get sad and mopey. Since you wonderful people have opened my eyes I am getting into the anger phase. I guess this is just a rant, its the same new story. The only thing that's changed is I am really annoyed by her actions. I will now join then and watch their mindless tv show. ttyl
