Still Looking Inside

[job]

I'm sorry that you are having a downer this weekend. You are going to have some days where you question whether you can "ever" see yourself back in a relationship w/your h. It's part of the cycling we go thru.

About the camera and memory sticks, I may be wrong, but I would venture to say that he has them. He's not going to fess up about taking them. Did you notice how quick he was to point the possible finger at someone else? They are like threads to his old life and he needs them to think of his past. They all take things from the home and sometimes, they even take chipped cups that really aren't any good to us, but they hold memories of their past.

Purchase some new memory sticks and put them in a safe place. If you need a camera, go out and purchase another in the fall when they go on sale for the holidays and put it in a safe place. One day, those "lost" items will show up when you least expect them.

Continue to move forward and keep the focus on you, your son and those darling fur babies.

[mleigh4]

Thanks Lou, I will keep in mind that just because H has always been closed up, doesn't mean he will stay that way. I do hope this experience will help him to be more open in the future...it has always been an issue in our R, really hard to feel connected to someone when you have no idea what they are thinking or what they are feeling. I used to call him emotionless, but obviously he had a tornado of emotions inside of him. I do hope he learns to show them, to be more real instead of the fake facade he always puts on. (Just like his mother btw)

Job, I could bet money that H has this missing camera. He was grabbing stuff randomly during move out, he most likely doesn't even realize he has it. His place is a mess...scrambled eggs! And you are right, it's all replaceable. I use my phone as a camera anyway, and I have a nice back up, I will let it go.

Last night I decided time to get out of my funk! Someone down my street had a live reggae band playing, I sat on my deck, resisted quietly crashing the party, and sipped wine and enjoyed it!

Woke up this morning to start a new day and better mood! Made some coffee and went on a long walk. Felt wonderful. Ran to grocery store and did some bills. Did some sweeping out front and straightening up the house....keeping busy until my sweet S comes home.

Got some yummy dinners planned for the week, last week of summer before school! Looking at a busy week at work which I thrive on. Gilroy housing is booming! Looking forward to a good week....

As for H. This is what I think. Something is changing in H, not sure if it has to do with me or him starting to realize the grass is not greener, maybe he is just finally starting to do his own work....He used to talk about the owner of his rental in a friendly way, called him by name. He now mentions him as the landlord with an irritated tone. He complains about his truck always being dirty (ya, it's all dirt) When he comes by the house, he is looking around and tending to things. Yesterday he went outside and sprayed down the dogs potty area. (I had just done it an hour before?) He warned me to keep the doors locked and house alarm on when away, said he heard about some burglaries. He also mentioned that he could give me his dog food since he never has her, seems he is giving up that fight?

Anyway, I sense change in him....something..and it gets me squirrelly. I need to stop that and keep focused on my own state of mind. Wondering what H is thinking, what he will say or do next is senseless. I know better to just let this play out.

[job]

Sounds like reality is setting in and he's discovering that the landlord is going to be checking on the things he's doing at his new place. He's discovering he doesn't have as much free rein in the remodeling as he had hoped. As for the dirty vehicle, well, yeah! It's going to get dirty if you living out in the country w/dirt roads, etc.

Yes, he's missing home a bit, but he's still not ready to face those issues just yet. He's realizing that it's not all fun and games and he's seeing that you and your son are doing great, enjoying life and having fun while he's dealing w/dirt and grime all of the time.

He's baking up quite nicely. Still needs some time in the MLC oven.

[mleigh4]

Lol Job, you make me laugh. Yes, I think I am smelling the baking aromas. You called it to start at around 6 months from move out!

It's something new in my sitch, so my goal is to let him bake while I continue to go about my business. No use to keep checking the oven, it won't speed it up! Lol

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh- I have cycled through the same emotions. Post BD, when H was in he worst of the fog, I was living with a complete stranger. He was the exact opposite of the person I knew and married. There were so many times where I questioned what was I doing, how would this resolve, how could I rely on him, etc.

Like you I see glimpses of my H changing. Then I feel like I start to cycle too. Or maybe I change and he cycles to me?

[mleigh4]

Hey Hawho....you may be on to something there....

[mleigh4]

So, just a journaling update..

NC with H from Sunday to Thursday, normal. He TM asking if I had gotten his TM. I had gotten nothing, so I replied no, was it saying he won $50 million dollars? He replied yes, but he had already spent it all, every penny. He then asked if he could bring S home to me instead of having him over that night like normal because he had an early morning meeting. I told him of course (I love bonus time with S)

I did some school shopping, went on a long walk with dog, watched Impastor (love that show!), and did some yoga. By the time S and H got to my place, I was feeling great, really relaxed. H right away started complaining about S and his gaming (I am noticing a pattern of these complaints on the day his mother watches S. I think she complains to him) I listened, validated, but in my mind, I don't have a problem with it, HE does but does nothing about it but whine. So I assured him I will keep an eye on it, but it should get better with school starting because he will be busy with homework. Blah, blah, blah.

Then he started complaining about work. Negative energy all around him, nothing new. He was petting the dog and asking where cat was, so I went in the back to call her and I noticed the lights in my fairy houses came on. Ok, so I got these adorable solar powered fairy houses for my rock garden and the lights come on at night. I always wanted a doll house and never got one, ok? Lol. So I said, oh look! The fairies are home! H just looked and rolled his eyes with a look of disgust, and I got flooded with those feelings of inadequacy I used to get with him. Please know, I do not believe in fairies and don't think they live there, it's just all in fun to me. But that feeling he brings on with me, not good.

Well, I looked at him and the words that flooded my mind? I want a divorce. Yep, they were all over my mind, on the tip of my tongue. But I did not say them, S was sitting right there. But the feeling overwhelmed me and really took me back. I just had this feeling, of him invading my happy place with his ickiness....and just feeling so tired of it.

I wonder, the changes I am sensing so strongly lately, I wonder if these are changes in myself, not changes in H? Something tells me he is just fine with the current situation and could let it drag on for a long long time. IDK...

Today, a new buyer of a home came into work to pick up his closing papers. He is very friendly and I remembered him from when he had come in to drop off his initial deposit and we chatted like crazy. He had asked me about things to do in town, and good places to eat, so I had given him the lowdown. Anyway, we talked about his new home and he mentioned he had eaten at the restaurant I had told him about, based on my recommendation, and that he really liked it. Said he would probably see me around town. Handsome guy, super smiley and friendly. He got under my skin. I pulled his file, he makes good money, is divorced with 2 children, 8 and 10.

This is a first for me! I have been going on about how happy I am on my own! Not going to let anyone in! But something about him has gotten my attention.

So, who is changing here? Maybe it's not H, maybe it's me.

[LoisB]

I believe in fairies. ;-)

[mleigh4]

Had a nice weekend with S. We got his haircut and he is all set for his first day of school tomorrow. On Friday, we went to his school to see the posted schedule of classes. S has class with his BFF so he is ecstatic. I TM H, as he had requested, and he responded with "thanks for the heads up" Weird text, figured maybe he was busy or something, whatever.

NC on Saturday, but got a TM from H on Sunday asking if S got his haircut and how it looked. I responded.

H has been way too much on my mind, it is irking me. I am missing my old H lately, and continue to dislike the current him today.

I had 2 dreams about him last night, both of them having him tell me it is over and me freaking out. Woke up feeling really grumpy!

Talked with a friend about the inadequacy feeling I get with H often, which keeps me from being myself with him. A longtime issue for me. I do understand, it sounds like something in ME that I need to work on, an insecurity I have with him. My friend suggested that next time, I let him know when something he does makes me feel that way, he said H probably has no idea how much that look he gets effects me. And instead of ever saying anything, I stay quiet, keep it bottled up and the resentment and anger builds....not good on my part.

H TM tonight that instead of dropping off S at his place, could I drop him off with him at Wal-Mart because he was finishing up some shopping. Again, weird. I started spinning, (like I said, H has been really getting into my head lately, I have been feeling anxious) I figured, he doesn't want me to see something at his house, our boat came to mind. That was his baby and has been stored for the past 2 summers. I thought, I bet he finally broke down and took it out, imagined bikini girls all over it, I was really spinning.

So I replied, you want me to drop off S at Wal-Mart?? I said, we have bags of school supplies he needs for tomorrow, clothes, just let us know when you will be home. Aside from that being the truth, and my spinning, it really did seem like a dumb request to me.

So we met at his place....no boat. H had gotten me my favorite coffee, which he asked if I wanted because it is cheap there, and he gave me a work thermos. Lol, felt pretty dumb inside.

Not sure why my focus has gotten off track, having lots of flashbacks of unpleasant things he has pulled these past 2 years. Maybe it's having reached the 2 year Mark, but I have been feeling a pressure inside to make a move, make a decision, to initiate a R talk to see if I am completely wasting my time. Have I lost it? Way off track for me!

So I am going to lay low, keep my mouth shut and let this ride. I have enough common sense now to not react outwardly, although I still do inside sometimes! I'm in a weird place right now. I know what is right, but feel wrong inside.

[mleigh4]

Feeling better today. Last night I took dog for a walk and went to bed early.

I took some time to think last night, if I DID initiate a R talk, what would I hope to hear? True therapy talk, right? The truth is, I would hope H would say....

I feel more positive about us working out problems in our marriage, but I still need some space and time right now. There is no one else, I just want some time to work through some things.

That would be the ideal answer, and it's basically close to what he said when he moved out 7 months ago. Honestly, as long as there is no one else in the picture, I am still healing and working on my own issues, , not ready for him to move back home anyway, so I am fine with this. I know nothing different than above, so I should just continue to let this ride. This self therapy session with myself was extremely helpful!

Today was S first day of school, H took him. I would have met up with them but I had an early training class. I TM H with a good morning message to S and he responded right away. I let him know how hard it was to miss today, so H sent several pics. H then let me know that S left his backpack, full of all his school supplies and lunch, next to the truck at his house. It made it next to the truck, not inside the truck.

My first reaction was pure anger at H, he is the parent and should have made sure they had everything. But thank goodness I was driving and could not respond. By the time I could, I had calmed down and just joked that I could not believe that they did not notice his giant green Ninja Turtle backpack was not in the truck. H let me know he was going to pick it up and take it right back. I thanked him for all the pics.

At pick up, S let me know how much fun he had today, how much he liked his teacher and that everything was fine with his backpack getting there late. It now has become a funny story instead of a fight, I am really glad I didn't freak out on H. Still learning some big lessons here and working on those personal changes.