Wow, CaliGuy, Solo15, ILYNOT thank you all for responding. I like this place. Ghost I feel better walking done this hersheys highway with you. I'm going to meditation class now and am going to think about your words Solo15. Thanks for the support and TTYL
Listen man, I'm not saying its over and there is no hope. What i am saying is that the faster you pull out of this and re target you energy into what will make a difference the better chance things will improve. It ain't over till it's over. But it sounds like you have been living with this heaviness in you heart for a long time. We sit and watch it all crumble bit by bit. Its agony. Dont grieve. Act. Pick yourself up and let that strong man out. Don't waste too much energy on grief. Grieve when there ia nothing left. Follow the principles of DB and work on you. My heart goes out to you man. I suffer every minute of every day but i can finally see what i need to do. You are not alone.
M 16y , T 18y , 3 Kids 7/14 ILYBINILWY 8/14 Takes off rings 5/15 OM, S PA 8/15 10/15 A new hope. Rumbles of Reconciliation. 11/15 I can have what I want. What do I want?
It seems to me that detaching from the one you love is as bad emotional pain as it gets. I really struggle, like an addict trying to kick the habit.
I don't think you're getting it quite right here. There is nothing painful about detaching. Detaching is a way to ALLEVIATE pain.
You do something thinking your W will react positively but doesn't, what do you do? Right now - probably mope or feel down or get in a funk. But a detached you shrugs it off saying no big deal, maybe next time.
Being able to achieve that level of emotional stability is healthy and CRITICAL to this process. Your wife is going to be on a roller coaster of emotions - you can't ride along with her.
Thanks for your thoughts Solo15 and Azzork. I came home from meditation, said hello to my wife and asked her how her day went. Her response was "fine". With that I looked at the mail and left the room.
Solo15 your advice is right on. I think I have a slim chance to pull this out and I'm not dead yet. I now see if I don't detach right now, I will destroy any shot I have left. Thank you for supporting me during this marital implosion and please keep pointing me back onto the path.
Azzork, I may have not explained my self well and/or I'm suffering from a mental emotional blockage. What I am doing is trying to detach and doing okay with it for a day or two. Then some little thing happens which hurts so I go and talk to her. Then I break down, start crying,begging and pleading. I find it very hard to hold my resolve more than a day or two. I think fear of losing her has me so beaten down I am stuck. The funny thing is since you compassionate people are helping me i feel a little stronger. I might have been upstairs with her right now searching for an emotional breadcrumb if not for your support. Azzork I have read posts you have written on other threads. I hold your opinion in high regard.
. What I am doing is trying to detach and doing okay with it for a day or two. Then some little thing happens which hurts so I go and talk to her. Then I break down, start crying,begging and pleading. I find it very hard to hold my resolve more than a day or two.
But I still contend that this isn't really detaching. It's not about ignoring her, or not talking to her. It really isn't about the quantity of interactions you have, it's about the WAY you handle the interactions. It's the breakdowns you have to knock off, you know? No woman is attracted to their husband turning into a sniveling wreck. There are going to be A LITERAL TON of little hurts you are going to experience on this ride. And several not so little hurts. Your goal is to get to the stage where they don't hurt any more. That's being detached. Even keeled, cool, calm...
Originally Posted By: mutatio
I think fear of losing her has me so beaten down I am stuck.
I wrote this to Ghost56 this morning. There's nothing to fear because you've ALREADY lost her. Frame your thought process with that backdrop, and your motivations will change.
Originally Posted By: mutatio
The funny thing is since you compassionate people are helping me i feel a little stronger. I might have been upstairs with her right now searching for an emotional breadcrumb if not for your support. Azzork I have read posts you have written on other threads. I hold your opinion in high regard.
Thanks for your kind words. It certainly helps just knowing that you're not alone. And that what you're going through isn't some unique case - there are so many individual stories, but they're all so similar.
Azzork, You are one hundred percent right in your advice and I am going to double my efforts to detach.
One thing, I was not ignoring her. The interactions were what I consider reasonable detaching conversations. After a few days of getting it right I would give in to my weakness and beg and plead. I would then cycle back to detaching.
The difference now seems that writing these moments down and explaining them to you I feel a strengthening of my resolve. If I can go a week without wimping out I know I can do this.
Thank you for your patience, I truly do appreciate your advice.
Good question, I'll let you know tomorrow night. If all it takes is a simple challenge to keep me on the straight and narrow path of detachment then I should have posted here six months ago when I discovered this site. Actions speak louder then words. ttyl
Morning coffee went well with my wife. We pleasantly discussed a few things that had to be arranged and all went well in regards to the new normal. She went downstairs to exercise, shower and dress for work. When she was leaving she pleasantly said good bye to the children. I said to her "enjoy your day". She neither looked at me or responded, just walked out the front door. I did not like that but tried to forget it.
Later in the day something happen that has not happened once since the outing of her EA/PA in 2008. I thought I shouldn't be treated like that. That was wrong, regardless of my weekend beer binges and mean & bullying moments. She did something really hurtful. I always said to my self "your were a nasty SOB and you pushed her into it" That is a wagon load of horse manure. She made those choices. She did those hurtful things on her own. I do not have to carry her burden.
I was cooking dinner for tonight and I received a text from her, "I am going out to dinner". That says it all metaphorically. So the test is if I can process this situation and not have it build into a emotional moment of drama with her.
Please help me to flush this emotion from my system.
