Hello, I am new here, obviously. First of all, I'd like to thank all of you on this board. It has given me a lot of help and guidance over the past few days. I feel like its one of the few things keeping me sane. I find myself with a wife that is preparing to leave me. She may be cheating, or about to. I've read a few sites, blogs and books about what to do in these types of situations but honestly feel no better about it and things are declining even faster.
We have been married for 5.5 years and had some issues for about 2. I have always been controlling and jealous. I know, I'm honestly working on it. She started telling me about 2 months ago she was feeling smothered and wanted to see how things go when I return home. (I'm currently deployed) As a husband I was total garbage. I took her for granted, said things without taking her feelings into consideration, was lazy and a drunk. I admit that. I knew it then, I was just so deep in a hole I didn't do anything about it.
I got super negative over the last couple years,without really meaning to. It's just my type of humor. Sarcasm, seeing the worst of a situation and making fun of it. Unfortunately, that started to actually become my frame of mind and I said a lot of things in jest that hurt my wife. That along with all of the other things I was doing as a terrible husband added up and took their toll on her.
Since things have started to go downhill I have begun really trying to get it together. I'm growing everyday and really trying to focus on being more healthy, kinder, giving and positive, which, as Im sure you can imagine, is pretty difficult at the moment. I haven't drank in 3 months, I've lost 30 lbs, begun working out 2-3 times a day, started eating healthy, reading more books and trying to find new hobbies.
None of these things matter to her since she can't see them because I'm gone, but I am honestly trying to better myself and grow as a man. I post what i can on FB or IG because I know she'll see them and hopefully realize I'm making an honest effort at bettering myself, but I want avoid looking like a self absorbed turd as well.
Unfortunately, I have also continued to push her away by asking her to reconsider, trying to convince her I'm serious about changing and being jealous at times as well. I am at the point where she's either going to cheat, already has or will never even consider trying to fix things. I love my wife and want nothing more than to be the man I know I can be and save this marriage. I have decided to let her go, basically, and let her figure things out on her own.
I wrote her a letter and told her I know I want this to work but I need to allow her space to take her own path an decide what she wants, if its me I'm here. Ready to do what is needed to make the relationship flourish. If not, I'll respect her decision, stop trying to change her mind and convince her to stay since it is not my decision to make.
Thats a pretty big 180 for me since I've never really backed off before. As far as counseling goes, I plan on starting for myself as soon as I return to the states, which is less than a couple months away. As far as the control issues, I've stopped snooping, sending her texts and calls to see where she's at and who she's with and I wrote her that letter telling her I'm going to stop trying to convince her to stay and allow her space to find her own path... All 180's for me.
I had no contact with her on Tuesday which was super tough. Wednesday evening I finally caved and sent her a message saying "I just wanted to say hi and let you know I'm thinking about you." She didn't respond to it.
Yesterday she sent me a message asking for a website we had discussed about trying to challenge issues on your credit history. Something she could easily google. I didn't respond for a few hours (trying to detach and be less accessible) and I could tell she wasn't a fan of it. She then sent a message saying "really? nothing?" I responded a few hours later with the info and told her it's pretty straight forward but I'd be happy to help walk her through it if she needed it. Then.. No response from her.
It seems like when I back off she finds a reason to talk to me and we start the cycle again. Start to chat, I listen, try to be supportive, say something that doesn't help, then we end up arguing over the M & R and it sets us back.
The letter I wrote to her is arriving today. Maybe I shouldn't have written it but I can't take it back now. I didn't find this site until after it was sent. I'm trying to study the LRT and 180's and trying I just purchased DB &DR off amazon, unfortunately because I'm deployed, I likely won't get them for a month at least.
Any tips or help or advice would be much appreciated, especially until I get my hands on the books and can read through them.
Thank you for your time and good luck with your own struggles.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
OK you wrote her a letter and posted on FB - now STOP doing those things because you can not pursue her back into your marriage. She needs to pursue YOU.
Thanks for the info and the guidance. I'll definitely keep posting here.
When you say stop posting on Facebook, I wasn't posting to her or anything. Just in general. Things I'm doing 180's on, really. Not being lazy, working out, eating well, spending time with friends, stuff like that. Since I'm gone, and these are things she would normally see me changing if we were under the same roof, FB is the only way she would know they are happening and begin to realize I'm serious about changing. I hope that doesn't sound too dumb, I'm just unsure. Like I said i can't get my hands on the books for a month or so. Do you suggest I do the "go dark" type thing?
The thing to bear in mind with the FB posting is it may look a little OTT - like you're really trying to showcase your changes. Actually, the slow but subtle approach may be best - ie: you see her in a few weeks and she thinks - Wow Raws is looking good (from working out.) You say nothing of course....you just look good...
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Cadet, Thank you for that, it is my honor to serve my country.
I am deployed and she's at home. We've never been good with the distance, it's just never been this bad. She's got a lot going on right now, too. Taking care of the house, pets, finances on her own while trying (and unfortunately failing) at reaching some of her own personal goals. She's got no "career" and has been in a less-than wonderful marriage with a turd of a husband. I think it's all coming to a head now and I am taking the brunt of the anger. Probably rightfully so. Still I'm serious about making these changes, whether she comes back or not. I'm disgusted at the person I allowed myself to become and will never allow myself to be that again.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
