LBS trying to get it right

[ATPeace]

25years I guess the obstacles are 4 children of different ages
One with a horse
And one that plays tennis a lot

A house,with a big mortgage that needs to be paid
No job security I am self employed all be it I am extremely busy and the last few years I have thrown myself into work ...I have recently reduced my hrs to be arround in the mornings for breakfast with the children.......

I have renewed curly joined a gym and a couple of meet up groups

A couple of nights ago I ended up playing beach volleyball in a park with the meet up group ....ok it was fun but was not really my thing

[ATPeace]

I have a quick question

So many of you know my situation living with my W since B now in separate rooms she gives no intamacy what so ever she has told me several times that she just does not feel that way about me any longer

I know there is resentment from her for the way I treated her by not being there for her me putting my needs first not doing enough with the kids upsetting the kids and not doing enough arround the house

Once I got really upset and threw something across the room and it hit the staircase and chipped it this was about 3 years ago and she told me she has been looking at this chip as a reminder of the bad times we had

So
I know she has been unhappy for a number of years
I know the sex / making love did not stop until she dropped the B
We used to cuddle and kiss right up to the day of the B

But she is adement it is over

I have been trying to put distance between us but this is extremely difficult when we are n the house together

In the house we still do each other's washing and we cook for each other and the kids and we do still get along very well however I am missing the closeness we had and we did have closeness and I am missing the lack intamacy and closeness and affection

I have taken on a lot more of the house chores this is something that she complained about a lot of the time so I do the ironing unload the dishwasher and vacuum downstairs clean bathroom she,also does much of the same in the way of the chores

It feels like she now has everything she wanted of our R without the commitment of M or a R less the intamacy that she never really felt was that important anyway.

She said 6 weeks ago that it would be nice to do some days out as a family over the summer holidays with the children so today we went to the zoo 6 hrs in each other's company getting along just fine talking laughing together

So it almost does not feel like a separation .....it feels like everything is as it was just without the intamacy and she gets to go out with her friends more I get to do more housework and more with the kids which is what she asked for throughout the M and she does not have to answer to me or my needs.

I don't just want for us to be just friends for ever

So please can someone help me to understand where I am right now on this journey the dynamics of my relationship with W seems different to many of the situations I read on here

Do things have to get worse before they get better....worse being split up completely separate houses will things ever get better.......and what actually is better ?

For as far as I know she may be prepared to have this kind of relationship for the next 15 years

What are your thoughts

I sometimes feel like asking my W ....how would you feel if you never saw me ever again would you be upset ? Is this a strange things to want to ask ??

thanks in advance

[ATPeace]

Feeling very low last night had to get out the house go for a drive clear my mind

I need to book another coaching session will do this today

[roist]

Hang in there ghost. Listen to the advice and to the vets, but esp your coach.
Best of luck

[WhyUs]

Ghost,
My relationship with my WW was similar to your prior to her moving out. She was having an EA so that is different. While we were in the same house we would still take care of the children. I would do laundry, she would cook, etc... She told me she wanted a divorce and was going to stay in the house until her apartment became available. She promised me that she had not been in contact with the OM and would not do that until she moved out.

Once I discovered the EA for the second time, after she told me she had stopped, she immediately moved out. Things have been downhill since. She have been very vindictive. She has tried everything in her power to hurt me. She has tried to take my children and is now trying to stick me will all the debt. She has not contributed one dime to our debt since leaving. So to answer your question, moving out did make things worse in a sense. However, it feels like it just moved things to where they were going anyway. It was just a matter of time.

It is strange, a week prior to moving out she suggested we get divorced and buy houses right next to each other and be best friends. Now we have a mutual restraining order where we can not even talk to each other. This was her request.

Your situation is different. I am sure it feels like if one of you moves out it will make things worse. I have read other material saying that the last thing you want to do is separate from the home. I am not sure what the DB approach would be here.

It does seem like you are to available to her needs right now. She needs to feel what it is like to be without you. You need to be the confident man she married, someone she will fall back in love with. Maybe someone else can shed some light on this.

[ATPeace]

Thank you whyus. I am 100 percent sure she is not having an afair I am just not sure where I am at

Coaching call later today
Can anyone else give any help on my last post

Thank you so much

Gary

[ATPeace]

How does someone know where they are on this journey

Detaching and getting a life and starting to feel a lot better about myself happier arround the kids

Still up and down with emotions and think I will be for the foreseeable

Is it just a waiting game to see if W will start making conversation or get close
How does one know what to be looking for to know things are moving in the right direction

[PigPen]

I don't think anyone knows where they are on this journey Ghost, that's the hard part of it. You've just got to do the work no matter where you are though, that's the beauty of it.

Keep focusing on YOU and what you can control. That doesn't change for a long long time from all the reading I've done here in the last 4 months. Just keep focusing on you. Sounds trite, but it's the truth.

How did it go with your coach?

[Sotto]

"How does someone know where they are on this journey"

As PP says - none of us really do. But, I can tell you that you are at a very early stage and you shouldn't look for any change in the near future. That happens in very few sitches until a good number of months - 6/9+ and often much longer - have passed.

I'm not saying that to depress you. But it may help to free you of 'looking for changes' and help you focus on yourself. I'm more than a year in, and I think if H turned around tomorrow wanting to reconcile, I would feel I haven't had enough time to work on me!!

[sandi2]

How does someone know where they are on this journey

I have seen similar questions from LBS. I am genuinely curious as to the reason behind it. Is it to have a mileage scale, or what?

Glad to hear you are doing better.