Zelda - Baby One More Time

[AnotherStander]

Hi Zelda, first let me apologize for not knowing your entire sitch, I've been away from the forums for quite a while and am just now hopping back in.

I have found this week that increased crying is a useful discharge for emotions that I've previously been processing in a merry go round.

Absolutely! And for the men out there, don't be ashamed to cry your eyes out, it is almost mandatory in recovering from losing your M. I used to cry all the way home from work, then pull it together long enough to walk past my kids, then lock the door, go in the bathroom and let her rip again. And I have never been one to cry, I was raised in one of those "men don't cry" households. I cried more after BD then I think I have in the rest of my life added together.

STBX has activated his FB account after shutting it down to hide from ins companies on his lawyer's advice 3 years ago...he's deleted every single one of our shared acquaintances or friends...over 100.

This is standard operating procedure for a WAS/ MLCer. Try not to let it get to you, try to take solace in knowing almost all WAS's engage in this kind of behavior. They flush their old life down the toilet and embrace a new devil-may-care life and lifestyle (especially if he's MLC). Eventually the novelty of it wears off and the price of such a lifestyle (emotionally, physically and financially) comes home to roost and they start doing the soul-searching they need to do to recover.

If I had any thought he might say at the hearing that he would consider counseling, this does not support it. He is clearing out his old life.

Looking at the timeline in your sig, I'm sorry to say but you are in the first mile or two of your marathon. I know this is tough to hear but your timeline is not weeks or months, it's years. You are expecting too much too soon if you think he will consider counseling right now. If he were to go to counseling this soon he would just use it all to justify his actions.

I don't know why I keep looking for signs for hope or keep arguing with myself. Even doubting what I've seen and experienced.

HOPE IS GOOD. Hang onto hope, it's what gets us through this turmoil. It is way too early to give up hope.

I think I am having the hardest time wrapping my head around the fact that STBX, who was everything, feels nothing for me.

He has feelings still, but he has buried them deep under layers of other stuff. All you can do is live your life, be the best possible you that you can be and leave him to his mess.

He told me months ago he didn't think I could be the person he needs in his life, and I want to internalize that and argue about it.

Remember Sandi's rules! "Do not believe anything they say and 50% of what they do. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared." Most LBS's cannot believe their angry, cold, unfeeling WAS may actually be hurting or scared inside, but they absolutely are. I had read Sandi's rules literally hundreds of times but still didn't believe it about my ex, she was the Rock of Gibraltar rendered in ice, LOL! But then she finally disclosed to me that she had been crying every single night (and this was many months after BD) because she was scared and ashamed at her actions. I was stunned, she just seemed so cold and uncaring I never imagined she was actually hurting. I thought I was the only one suffering, and in retrospect I see how selfish an attitude that was and I am embarrassed that I wasn't more cognizant of her suffering.

I thought I was a normal woman, disappointed and confused trying to explain to him how upsetting x y or z was. Of course, no one wants that to be the routine, a partner who is always unhappy at them, but how can a R be safe if people can't be honest in their emotions? He believed in waiting until emotion cooled down (which seemed like silent treatment for days) before talking about anything; I believe(d) in trying to talk through it as soon as possible, emotion or not, in order to work out the issue with partner and seek harmony again. I feel mixed up.

Of course you do, everything has been turned upside down. Here's the thing though, your H isn't the H you knew. The dispute resolution techniques you used before will not work now. That does not mean they were wrong! They were right for the time, but that time has passed. You have to think of things as pre-BD and post-BD. Do try and determine what you may have done wrong in the M and correct those things about yourself, but don't beat yourself up over it, view it as a learning experience. I've never read a single sitch here where the LBS was 100% at fault. Usually it's closer to 50-50. Your H probably screwed up as much as you did, but he's trying to fix things by leaving the M instead of addressing where the REAL problems are- inside himself. It takes a long, long time for the WAS to look inward. In the meantime, move forward in life, be the best you possible, and most of all, be patient

[Zelda09]

Yeah, thanks Pig Pen. Too much energy wrapped up in wondering what his experience was and is, what he is, what the past was.

I need to focus on how not good my experience was.
How I don't want to be treated that way or have to deal with that in a R or M.
I wasn't perfect, but I worked hard to provide and to be a good partner despite constantly shifting ground. You are right, I need to give compassion to me.

Future...

I'm scared. Scared of ending up alone. Scared of these feelings and all of these obsessive thoughts not going away.

I should be grateful for the time on my hands, having been able to keep everything out of the M, being able to move forward. An analogy...the engine is in tact, but there's not gas, no one driving...I've lost so much momentum on my own desire for goals or anything. So much of what I did, he was my reason for building this little life. And it seems so pointless now. I care about making my bill payments and working hard enough for that. I am eating right and caring for my body, my animals. But there's nothing in me that wants anything, the desire for increasing retirement account, buying an investment property, taking my career to the next level, I just don't feel any motivation for any of it. Even the kids I wanted...I was fairly panicked about my little bio clock when H had returned to piece, but now, I don't know...it's a vague panic. Like I know something important is slipping away and I should care, I should go to a fertility clinic, maybe freeze some eggs, but I just can't see why, what for. I don't want to lay all that on a new partner, I can't even imagine being with anyone again.

[Vanilla]

Z

My lovely lady, it will take time to settle, that is a good thing, when you come to the end of this phase of your journey whatever your answer it will be be because you have thought about it.

It will also be as it will be. XWH is 50% of this too. Naturally you will ponder, consider it and I do the same. I doubt my WH ever would.

It seems in every phase of life there is a period of rest, a period of grace and stillness. Time to calm and grow. The machine can't be run with the foot on the gas and the brake. I sensed, please correct me, that there were times you stayed your gear in order to keep XWH paced along side. I would dearly love you to have a cheerleader in your life. A driver headed to the same destination who will stop for fuel, food and rest with you. Lovely Z, when you are ready I am sure such a one will appear.

There is time I know, and the egg clinic is important, or sperm donation or fostering or adoption. New partners take children into their lives all the time. In due course consider that which you truly desire and the best consequences, it just seems the egg clinic is a no lose, if you don't want that route eventually you cease to pay for storage, although it is an avenue explored a kind of holding area for a dream you have whilst you decide. A backstop position, sounds like a very worthwhile idea, definitely to consider evaluation as an idea at minimum. If it's no then it's a deliberate choice.

Have you read Gail Sheehy Passages? It is a milestone book about the phases of life, and so comforting, each phase of life has its meaning and place. I keep it close, although my copy is very battered, next time digital. Although I confess to liking the feel of paper in my hand with some books it feels tangible. The tablet lovely though it is, is fragile in nature, for some less substantial.

Peace of mind tonight

V

[Zelda09]

Thank you Vanilla...you're right, but this is a phase of life I am very resistant to accepting.
I saw my IC this morning. She wants to have me think about anti depressants and I told her no.
I'm going to put a photo of the smashed snd bent iPhone on my bathroom mirror though. That may help with reigning in some of the more emotional poor H it was probably me kind of thoughts.
I learned today that there is definitely a lot of unresolved stuff in this dynamic, from my childhood with my father. I learned that there was never anything wrong with me trying to discuss being upset or disappointed with my partner. His comment, Z, you have a different form of violence, your anger is just visceral in your words, my ic told me no.
I will be ok. I have to find more to occupy my mind, and like pigpen said start channeling some of that compassion to me instead of him.

[Vanilla]

I learned today that there is definitely a lot of unresolved stuff in this dynamic, from my childhood with my father. I learned that there was never anything wrong with me trying to discuss being upset or disappointed with my partner. His comment, Z, you have a different form of violence, your anger is just visceral in your words, my ic told me no.

I guess you will have to explain this to me, as I am slightly baffled by it

V

[Vanilla]

I didn't phrase that very well Z apologies.

It should have read:can you explain please I am baffled. Sorry

V

[Zelda09]

V, My STBX made that comment about my anger being visceral. IC called BS. Said there was nothing wrong with trying to let a partner know when you were upset. Said it was more manipulation...his problem, not mine.

The dynamic with my dad, it was repeated here in my M. Abuse, Jekyll and Hyde, instability, me trying to save the good guy inside.

[asitis]

Hi Zelda,

The pain you are expressing come through, and I feel for you. You will not end up alone. Please trust that. If you end up not being in another M it will be because you choose not to, but that decision will come when it is time, which it is not right now.

You seem to feel very responsible for your sitch, which is unfortunately all too normal in a sitch where there is abuse like yours. That is likely contributing to your crying and considering going back. I don't want to project on to your sitch, but often there is a desire to redeem the abusive relationship to make it OK and take away the pain of feeling responsible. You aren't responsible, and it is not your fault. It is hard to get out of an abusive relationship, and we socialize women in ways that makes it so. So, even though you continued in the M with abuse, it is not your fault, and you cannot make the pain go away by redeeming the M. It's not that an abuser can't get help and change, but that would take time, and right now, that isn't where I think your focus should be. Your focus should be on healing yourself. On learning to show yourself all the compassion and love you deserve.

I'm glad you are in IC, and your IC is right that you H doesn't want you setting boundaries and expressing your wants, needs, anger, or anything else that doesn't suit him. And quite frankly given what you've said, you have every reason to have that level of anger and that's tough for your poor H who is upset he can't act out upon however he pleases.

Stay strong. No matter how difficult it seems, you are loveable, and you need to start with you loving yourself and allowing your self the time and care to heal and sort everything out and then figure out where you want to go from there. Let your H focus on himself (he needs a lot of help from what you've said), and you just focus on loving yourself as best you can. You are already showing you have that in you by taking the steps you have. That takes a lot of strength.

[Zelda09]

Thank you, Asitis. Very kind post. I am feeling a little bit better today, a slightly smaller shift in my deep down acceptance that it is over. And for good reason.

[Zelda09]

AnotherStander, I missed your post originally. Thank you for your support and thoughts. Unfortunately, these are the kinds of thoughts that got me back into piecing, and it was the biggest mistake ever. I do not believe my husband is MLC, I strongly believehe has borderline mental health issues, on top of pain medication.

This was always a toxic and abusive marriage, but because he was so gentle and deep and caring at times, I excused a lot. I tried to take responsibility for too much. Like the time I dismissed his waking up in the middle of the night, after I had gone out to get a glass of water in the kitchen, when I returned to the bed he said, "Oh, you're back. I thought you were going out to F other men." I remember it took my breath away, so random and out vicious. But he was snoring within a minute and I dismissed it. We'd only been dating 6 months or so.

But things like this would happen. And as long as I could reason with him later about it, and we could talk about it, I kept believing we were building better communication and stability. I think I really wanted to save the poor tortured soul I saw inside, and one of the last things I heard from him after he came back, he is still looking for other people to teach him about himself, teach him his triggers, be there for him… He will always be looking for a mother, and he will always be disappointed in her until he starts looking inward.