Thanks Toots. Sorry for my lack of updates. Been pretty good the last week or so actually.
Yes, I couldn't agree more that this is the time I need to reflect upon myself, get a life, and become the man I want to be. As the script, goes, some days I'm in a fog, some days I'm laser focused.
An update on my sitch:
MC was on Monday. Basically, I was ready to "bulldoze" my way back in to the house. Therapist said there was this pendulum in me, on one side the guy who is willing to do any and everything to make this work and get the family back together, and on the other side the guy who "just needs to look out for me", and to hell with the consequences. And that I need to find that middle place somehow. Which, ultimately, I think is what a lot of DBing is about, in a roundabout way.
I had stopped my IC as I said, but I am ready now to pick it back up. I was feeling that it wasn't particularly helpful, since it was all about how I was feeling NOW, and dealing with my panic and fear. Which is important, but as everyone knows there's no magic bullet for that. But in MC, a few things came up that I really want to try to unravel. Heck maybe even someone here can help.
I am trying to not feel so much RESENTMENT about this separation. I'm just trying to unravel why I feel like it's so UNFAIR that I have to leave the house, and she gets to be on vacation while I'm suffering in hell, and I still have to pay for everything and stress and.... blah blah blah.
Because of it I had made a real setback type comment on the first morning last week that I had "bulldozed" my way back (Wednesday). W asked me if I could take the kids to preschool and camp. I said maybe I could take D5. She said "well since you are out, it's easy to just take D8 to camp", to which I replied "What the fvck are you gonna do?!" It honestly just came out because of the anger that I was the odd man out, and confused, and I didn't want her to have her cake and eat it too -- in other words, get to be on vacation from me, but have me do things for her. It was stupid. I could have just done it and smiled.
Wow, what a HUGE blunder. It really, really got her angry. Same old GoRoPo. Not valuing her and what she is doing (even if it's just sitting on the couch playing on her phone), being angry, whatever.
It was the very first thing she mentioned in MC, and said that maybe that did irreparable damage. I know that's not the case, but still. Unfortunately I let it out. I'm ready to untangle that. I wish I didn't feel that way.
So, back to MC -- therapist said to be very careful about how I approach this unilateral return to the house (I had been back from Tuesday night until that Monday, of my own accord.) That it could have reverberations for years if I just barrel ahead. Asked my W how she felt about my being there.
W said "not good, confusing." Meanwhile, I'm thinking that the week had gone great, except for that stupid comment of mine! I was completely pressure free, no advances, nothing. Just PMA all over the place, being with Ds, being with W in a positive, friendly way.
In fact, the day before I had said something to the cat offhand "Hey little guy what are you meowing about." From the other room, the W calls out "It gives me warm feelings about you when you talk nicely to the kitties." I laughed in a nice way and that was that.
So, anyway, towards the end I finally asked the W, so what WOULD be good for my return? The agreed upon two months is coming up 8/15, and I was going to suggest I come back before D8 school starts the next week anyway. W said, "I don't know I guess next Tuesday? Not that I think anything will change by then or anything..." OK, so I agreed to it.
But the other thing is it got me thinking -- wow, when was the last time we communicated like that?? When was the last time in this whole process that I asked her something that wasn't about a status update, or the OM, or something about logistics?
I can be SO BAD at listening to her, especially when she doesn't speak up for herself. Which is her default stance, being totally passive, to avoid confrontation. Made me really see how much I have gotten my way over the years, often at her expense. A total two-way street -- I have to listen and read her better, and she has to SAY WHAT SHE WANTS! Anyway...
MC is not going to be around for our normal Monday appointment, so she assigned homework for us to come with rules and boundaries for the in-home separation. I'll be a bit surprised if W does anything on it, because of how insanely she compartementalizes and doesn't want to think about this kind of stuff, but we will see what happens.
OK -- ACTUAL DB QUESTION HERE:
As for me, I just keep feeling like if I am just here, happy, positive, confident, getting a life, THAT'S the guy I want to be around her. And I know trust is a slow thing to build back up. I keep the pressure off, just go about life, and let it happen naturally day by day. There's no rush or ticking clock here right now.
And I want to be home so badly. It may be juvenile and unmanly, but I have lived there for a third of my life, and I SUCH a creature of routine that to try to change that overnight has been crippling.
On the other hand, I was also thinking that something really disarming might be that when we meet Monday, I say something to the effect of "You know, would it make you happy if I stayed away another week? That would be the 2 months, and if it's something you'd like I would be ok with that"
Or, would this be even better: "I've really been working on some stuff on my own, and I think I'm going to stay another week and ride out the two months".
Not that I really want to. I want to be back in MY HOUSE! (There's the resentment again.)
What do you guys think? Sorry for rambling.
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
Yesterday was good... started off with W texting me about wanting to be able to afford to go on vacation. "Not looking for you to fix it, just talking". Then asked if I could take a call. We had a small finance talk about some bills we are behind on that are in her name. She said "if we have to sell the house, I'm screwed with my credit" or something like that. So a bit of a bummer to hear her say something like that, as we WOULD have to sell if we got divorced.
Anyway, I just validated and said, yes, there is a plan, just waiting on some payments, etc. At the end of the call she said "well this was actually really nice, different than usual".
Then later on she texted asking if I was home (office is detached but on my home property). I wasn't. She needed help moving some stuff in the storage area, whatever, and I told her no problem I would come by and help.
She made dinner for us and the kids. It was totally nice and normal. Kept it totally light, humor, PMA all the way. I even actually felt it!
After, kids went off and I was walking around getting ready to take off. She said "I know this isn't the right venue... but I just want to say, if we DO end up staying together, I'm going to need you to be more of DOer and less of a THINKER."
I laughed, and said "yes, I agree! Believe me, you don't need to tell me my life was in a rut."
Anyway, just journaling. Made me feel good to hear her say something like that... that the door isn't closed in her heart... which I know she has said, that she truly doesn't know what she wants... but to hear her say something like that, which included me in a potential future... anyway, you get the idea.
Anyone have any thoughts on the separation thing? Got a call with my coach today, so I'll ask as well.
Me 37,W37 D8,D5 T20 years, M13 years BD-5/14 MC starts (continues)-9/14 EA discovered-10/14 Piecing(?)-11/14-5/14 "I just feel 'done'"-5/15 Trial S (I moved)-6/15/15
