Have many things being resolved today. Bank accounts, utilities, home and car insurance, house security system, and many miscellaneous accounts.
Luckily, it's not so complicated. Cell phone accounts and my internet account will need to be resolved with XH together, so just a little stretch.
My stomach hurts. I don't know how I feel today. I know I need to resolve all these issues and I have my brain geared to do so, just can't feel anything.
I can do it, I always think about how proud you will all be when I say that my life is going well and I feel OK.
Thanks V, you are indeed a model to me. You endured so much and is still standing strong for yourself.
That's the example we all need to believe that we can move forward or move on, or just keep moving for whatever life is holding for us.
Who knows? Maybe we all meet in Ireland one of these days?
I am soon single again and ready to be the devilish girl RD always think I am
My kids are kind of nervous, they don't say anything to me, but I can feel it.
Yesterday, we went to Pearl Street on Boulder to grab some pizza. Today we are enjoying some very delicious hamburgers outside Larkburger, under a full moom, in a beautiful summer night.
Life is changing and I am thankful I have my family. We are a good team.
Hello Pink, I'm away for a few days with a friend....having a great time! Not been posting much as a result, but just wanted to drop in and say that like V - I'm proud of you already too - and you should be rightly proud of yourself.
Yes, it is a change for your boys. But they know you are there for them, and that is the main thing I think. Hopefully their Dad will also step up to the mark & be a more involved father going forward too....
Keep on going lovely - you're doing so well. I hope you and your boys have a great weekend!! xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
Hi Pink. I hope you and the crew are ok. My insecurities play into my posts. I have always being charming. Witty and and a wonderful person but I am average joe to look at. Yes , I am great fun and fantastic to be around but Iim no George Clooney I hope that made you smile.
You are going through the toughest time possible. Your foundation has been rocked and you are learning to live a new life
I value your posts on my thread and look forward to more tales of your past
I hope you are out enjoying life or else at home with your boys enjoying family life
You have been quite for a few days so I hope you post soon
Thanks Toots, RD and V for checking on me. I am somewhat OK and in the same time I am an emotional mess.
I am functioning OK, most like a robot then a person. I am very tired, exhausted with all what is going on.
Tomorrow I need to be in court by 8:30am, it may be final or not, right now we are in the hands of a judge (a woman). I am having some trouble with the fact that it is just that...final. In the same time I actually believe that final will bring me some peace.
So as you can see, I am a complete mess and I don't really know what to think. XH has been a beast. He is living in some other planet these days. He does not care about anyone else.
He took the two younger ones to eat out and go to a movie last Friday. The kids told me that he slept the whole movie. Did not talk much, just the same old.
I also found a job search on internet, all in French language, what shows XH is still thinking about moving to France.
Sometimes I can't believe he is this man. He became something intolerable, disgusting. The face he normally shows is one of a suffering person and yet he has his plans and is moving forward with them, without any regard for what one day was his family.
I think that now what is most difficult for me is to accept that I have been giving my life to someone like him.
I haven't been posting just because I am super busy right now. School will start soon and my kids are doing AP and honors classes and have a lot to do during vacations. I am also working full time and still need to keep up with normal life errands.
I just wish to come out in one piece and start my own life without so much trouble. These last week was very hard and this one is not much easier.
My only hope is that everyone says it gets better and easier. Time is a healer and I need it right now.
I wish I can post every thought I have, I wish this whole pain will go away like magic, I wish I could take away all the pain I see in my kids eyes, I wish XH wake up one day and see all the damage he is doing, I wish I had married to a man with courage and decency.
I just wish that I could wake up tomorrow and time already went by and it does not hurt anymore. It is curious that the one thing that does not show much these days is love. The feelings are not related to love anymore, they are just wounds created by a bunch of lies, betrayals, selfishness, disregard, disrespect, rejection, abandonment and so much more, but not love in itself.
I guess there is no room to love someone like XH is right now.
I don't know anymore if XH is an MLCear. Sometimes I think he is. Like Saturday morning he called me wanting to know how much he was supposed to deposit in my account and then complained that his life is a complete mess and he is very miserable right now.
I can't even believe I heard those words. I even asked what he wants from me. He is the one that wants the D and does not want to work on our M, he is the one that left his family. I am out of his way and whatever is happening is just what is stated by law. Is this really real that he wants me to feel sorry for the life he has right now? It's his choice.
I also asked if he had any other expectation of what is Divorce. So far, there are tons of literature and statistics showing how it is destructive to everyone involved. I also said that if he is willing to go through so much destruction and pain just to get rid of me, then I would just follow my path and leave him alone and do not bother him anymore because it is clear that whatever comes in his way is better then fight for our life together.
XH said and keep saying that he still loves me like no one else in this world, that he does not love me just as the mother of his children, but for the woman I am. Said that soon I will understand that what he is doing is for the best. I don't get it, he does not come clean and just say what is in his mind.
But, whatever it is, it won't change what is going on and he is very decided to end it all for good.
I need to work now. Will try to keep up with my posts at least. I am not posting for anyone anymore but better days will follow and I will be able to have a more normal life.
I love you all and can't put in words how much strength I have because I am in this board. I don't know if I could do it all if I did not have the support I get from you all.
And RD, you are also my life saver. I think about you often and it gives me courage to keep myself strong. You also keep me dreaming about good stuff. Yesterday I saw "The Last of the Mohicans'... I just love that movie and the main song (soundtrack) is one of my favorite music. I was making dinner and dancing in the middle of my kitchen, pretending I was at the top of the mountain you often visit.
I will let you know how it goes tomorrow, just hope that the judge agrees with the Mediation results and we just sign this bloody divorce once for all.
Hi Pink. I'm so sorry your down This such a tough process and it seems like there will never be an end. This is a time for you to be strong and to know that you will get through this.
You speak of your H and what he's doing , planning his new life etc but the reality is you don't know what he doing.
The hardest part of this , is the detachment Letting go of H and whatever he is doing It's easy to type but really hard to do.
You have thrilled us all with the daredevil Pink of old. She was fearless and never backed down from a challenge. Well lovely Pink , this is the hardest challenge you have had to face so far
You are down today and tomorrow will be a day to get through BUT you will get through it. This time tomorrow it will be over and you can have one less worry
Your H needs to do whatever he needs to. I know your not sure if he's really lost or not but as an outsider looking in , he is certainly lost and not thinkng straight
No 2x4 but stop trying to educate him te divorce and the stats He can't think in that way at the moment and is t the guy you love This is a pale replica of him and why would you want him at the moment ?
Pink. You do not deserve any of this and I would be there for you in a heartbeat if I could. Please know that you are very special to me and I know we will meet one day and look back on these times as bad memories In between now and then you will have lots of good memories and be happy agan. Until then focus on the good and not the bad
We all have positives and negatives in our lives. We choose which one we let I to our head for the majority of the time. Let the positives in as you have a lot more of them anyway
The boys need their mum to be Pink , a great mum and also a great friend Let your mind concentrate on your new life , on your career and on your great future
Pink, I'm glad to see that RD just stopped by too. I'm sorry this is such a hard time. I can understand what you say about the finality. That's something to come to terms with and grieve the loss of your M as it was. Also, as you say perhaps some closure of this phase - of moving towards D - will also help you.
I agree with RD, and I don't believe your H is a monster. I think he is lost, confused, plunged into a vortex and he just doesn't know what to do.
Yes, he may be grasping at the chance to apply for jobs in Paris. But if he does that he doesn't see his boys much. But he's not happy here - what does he do? And he's losing a woman that he loves.....due in large part to his own actions - but still.....
If you can see some of this as a third party observer - and not as a hurt spouse - perhaps that may help. He is not a winner here. And I suspect it may well get worse for him. If your D is finalised, he is going to realise that THAT hasn't made him feel better. Just misery still. And things with OW aren't that great as he already said.
There is a shifting pattern of strength between the WAS and the LBS in these sitches. When the sitch begins, the LBS is in an awful place - reeling, shocked, full of pain. But then we begin to sort ourselves out - trauma growth it is called. And we grow stronger and stronger and find more peace within ourselves. More independence.
The WAS starts out just great. On an endorphin high and enjoying some passion, frisson, intensity with OP. But that R gradually sours. And the excitement ebbs away. Leaving what? A ruined M, damaged R with your sons. And a R with OP that you don't want anymore. Or they don't want you. It implodes in that way.
At some point, the LBS overtakes the WAS in terms of strength and happiness. I suspect you reached that point some time recently. Even amidst the angst of readying yourself for D. I think you may well feel better in yourself than he does.
So, please don't demonise him. Try not to react to his poor choices and continue on your own positive path - largely unaffected by what he does just now.
You have come through so much, and you will get through tomorrow. And you will heal, and your life will become happier again lovely Pink. I do hope we get to meet some day my friend.
Take care xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
As always you come to my rescue to remind me who I was, I am and will always be. I am a fighter, I don't give up very easy. And nothing in this world is worth more then my desire to live my life in full.
I used to say to XH that I wish I could just let go and be sad and unhappy like many other people, and just have a personal break, but I couldn't, it is not in me to let go of my own desire to live.
And you are very right when you say that I have many reasons to look to a better time in my life and that I have my kids and they need me strong now more then ever.
Their father is a jerk, no not just that, he is a Godzilla Jerk. He does not care about his kids at all, does not share much time with them, don't help or at least ask if they want his help for anything. How can you not love your own kid?
But you are right again and what he does or does not is not my business because now more then when it all started, I need to be good for myself and do some introspection and self improvement. Explore what else I am capable in my life.
Today, I took S17 to his dentist for a 2015 2nd cleaning and in a way back home we stopped to pick up some fast food for him. We saw this gorgeous Yamaha, all blue and it was just like looking at my Honda. S17 was in love with it. During the whole time in a car, he was playing some amazing songs he got lately on his phone.
It's a bit scary to see that he is so much like me. His love for bikes, his taste for songs (any idea, I love MUSE), just love the way that guy sings, the gothic side of it.
Yes, I am happy because I am who I am. I am not a bad person, by the opposite, I am quite nice until someone steps on the back of my feet. Or do anything against my kids (lion type!!!), but in general I am easy going, love team work.
And RD, it may sound like BS to keep saying one day we will meet and drink that beer, even ride that bike, or step on that mountain and dance like Indians asking for good feelings. I will make it a goal and will work towards it.
Even if it is just to say Thank You my friend, you made a huge difference in my life. I will be there.
By the way, cooked some shrimp with an original Irish butter and it tasted divine (at least the package said it was original Irish). I guess you guys make really good butter.
You is funny is that even my kids ask about RD and what is going on now. They still talk at dinner time about RD and his kids, sometimes they figure a Mafia family, some other times the IRA family, they are crazy and we all have fun. Once I told them that you were thinking to visit us, oh my, they were just planning how much they are going to beat you up and send you back to Ireland inside your own suitcase. Knuckle heads!!!
Love and hugs from Pink's crew to RD's crew. You are an amazing man that conquered my heart RD.
