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#2591720 07/27/15 04:45 AM
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Hello,
My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Just a few weeks ago she announced she wants a divorce. Not a separation. A divorce.

If you ask her why she is doing this, she will say, because we are different people, and there has been a wall between us. We can't communicate.

I just got introduced to this website and for the first time. Until now, I have been begging, promising, crying, apologizing, but now I have put an end to that. I realize, she even told me, the more of that, the more she is pushed away.

For years she has been saying we have these communication and connection problems but I never really "got it." We have been to counseling, and would feel a little better for a while but would always return to our rut. And I would never really understand why she didn't feel connected. I didn't feel madly in love but I felt OK with things. Now I get it. I can see some of the things I was doing were making her feel unloved. I wasn't giving her the attention she needed and deserved. I wasn't spending time with her. Now that I get it, I feel so bad that I wasn't giving her the love she needed, and I also wish I could just get one more chance to show her what it is like to be loved. I can think of so many things that I would do if she came back. Man would she be loved!

But that is not happening now. She has given me another chance before. In her mind she is "done." End of story. She says she still loves me and cares about me and wants to be my friend but we are not compatible. After 30 years! ARGH!

Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.

My biggest problem right now is that she wants to move quickly and get it over with. I feel like if I had some time I could do the things I am reading about on this site. she wants to move into a different place as soon as possible. I feel this will be a huge financial burden and both of us will have a hard time making ends meet and the kids will suffer. I really don't see how we can even make it on our own, with each having our own mortgage. So I am really stressed about taking on all the expenses with half the income. I think the little savings we have will be gone quickly and then we could lose one or both of the houses. Plus, for the kids, I think they would have some time to adjust to the idea of what is happening if we take things slowly. And, I feel like if we are in separate houses I will not be able to show her I am changing. That seems to be the easiest part - the 180. I am reading books about how to communicate better, control my anger, I'm getting up earlier in the morning, I'm looking her in the eye when we talk, and repeating back what she says, I'm cleaning up much more around the house, I feel like a different person.

But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.

I know one of the ideas here is to let her take the space she needs. but in this case I really think it is going to hurt my cause. I really would like to stay under one roof as long as possible and I can live in a different room and give her lots of space, and stay at a friends house a few nights a week... But she just says she feels strongly that one of us has to move out and get a new place. She thinks it will be easier on the kids because they won't be confused by seeing us interacting when we are "split up." And I think she is in "la-la land" in terms how it will be financially when she's on her own.

I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.

I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.



I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?

And in regards to the house situation, I would love to hear from others if I should continue to resist her plan to get out as soon as possible.

thanks.

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Welcome to the board

Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.

The first thing you should do is be sure to read the Divorce Remedy (DR) book by MWD
http://www.mcssl.com/store/mwdtc2014/
http://divorcebusting.com/sample_book_chapters.htm

You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts
(for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support).
Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active,
and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down.
Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come!
Most important - POST!

Get out and Get a Life (GAL).

DETACH.


Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.

Have NO EXPECTATIONS.

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.

Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:

I would start with Sandi's Rules
A list of dos and don'ts for the LBS (left behind spouse)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553072#Post2553072

Going Dark
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=50956#Post5095

Detachment thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2538414#Post2538414

Validation Cheat Sheet: Techniques and tips on how to validate (showing your walk away spouse (WAS) that you recognize and accept his or her opinions as valid, even if you do not agree with them)
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2457566#Post2457566

Boundaries Cheat Sheet
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2536096#Post2536096

Abbreviations
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2553153#Post2553153

For Newcomer LBH with a Wayward Wife by sandi2
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2545554#Post2545554

Resource thread
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...224#Post2578224

Stages of the LBS
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1964990&page=1

Validation
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=191764#Post191764

Pursuit and Distance
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2483574#Post2483574

The Lighthouse Story
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2484619#Post2484619

Your H or W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.
USE it wisely.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon


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One of the things I have finally learned is detaching IS NOT letting go or giving up hope. It is to help you. You can't control or change them you can only do that yourself.

There are so many wonderful people here. Listen to what they are telling you. Read and re-read the replies until you Listen to what they say. Read anything and everything you can get your hands on and all the threads in this forum. It will help you to understand.

I know your scared. I am too. But the time I have spent doing what I am saying for you to do has given me the hope and courage necessary to do this.

Best wishes

Last edited by little1; 07/27/15 11:42 AM. Reason: spelling

Me 44
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3 DD 22, 18, 15
1 DS 2.5
M 10/1992
BD1 2/2014 BD 2 7/19/2014
Moved in with OW 7/20/2014

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Wow - long post! But some thoughts:
Originally Posted By: Gabs

Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.

Nobody here believes there's another person. And there MAY not be. But if the shoe were on the other foot, would YOU tell HER there was another woman? What do her actions say - hiding phone? Secretive? Not sleeping the same? Etc.

Originally Posted By: Gabs

My biggest problem right now is that she wants to move quickly and get it over with. I feel like if I had some time I could do the things I am reading about on this site. she wants to move into a different place as soon as possible. I feel this will be a huge financial burden and both of us will have a hard time making ends meet and the kids will suffer. I really don't see how we can even make it on our own, with each having our own mortgage. So I am really stressed about taking on all the expenses with half the income. I think the little savings we have will be gone quickly and then we could lose one or both of the houses. Plus, for the kids, I think they would have some time to adjust to the idea of what is happening if we take things slowly. And, I feel like if we are in separate houses I will not be able to show her I am changing. That seems to be the easiest part - the 180. I am reading books about how to communicate better, control my anger, I'm getting up earlier in the morning, I'm looking her in the eye when we talk, and repeating back what she says, I'm cleaning up much more around the house, I feel like a different person.

It doesn't really matter how fast she's moving. There is nothing that's not irreversible. She moves out...who's to say she won't move back in. You get divorced...who's to say you won't remarry. No amount of reasoning or logic will get her to hold back now.

Originally Posted By: Gabs

But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.

The changes are for you. If she's interested, she will see them. Plus, you have kids, so you'll always be connected. Honestly, being apart may highlight them more. Can you see paint dry or grass grow? What if you leave for a month?

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I know one of the ideas here is to let her take the space she needs. but in this case I really think it is going to hurt my cause. I really would like to stay under one roof as long as possible and I can live in a different room and give her lots of space, and stay at a friends house a few nights a week... But she just says she feels strongly that one of us has to move out and get a new place. She thinks it will be easier on the kids because they won't be confused by seeing us interacting when we are "split up." And I think she is in "la-la land" in terms how it will be financially when she's on her own.

Why is your situation any different? Though I'd say if she wants to split, let HER leave.

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.

See my first comment above. But it could also be that she doesn't want to question things now. Plow ahead with no questions asked to "get away". Then look around later.

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.

Hope is good. Hope is GREAT.
But depression is not. Who wants to be married to someone like that. Time to pick up the PMA. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. It's time to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your wife.

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?

Where does it say that you have to stop loving her when you detach? That's not what it's sbout. It's about learning to love and prioritize YOU. She won't be ready to love you until you can love yourself again. And there is no way to do that until you detach yourself and your being from her, emotionally.



Wishing you the best, Gabs.

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Originally Posted By: Azzork
Wow - long post! But some thoughts:
Originally Posted By: Gabs

Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.

Nobody here believes there's another person. And there MAY not be. But if the shoe were on the other foot, would YOU tell HER there was another woman? What do her actions say - hiding phone? Secretive? Not sleeping the same? Etc.

I realize that others deny there is an affair, but I am confident about this. She has shown none of these signs. She had an affair 20+ years ago and promised she would never do it again. I do still trust her. She has told me her "heart is closed down" because of what has happened between us. She has had no opportunity to be going out with someone else.
Originally Posted By: Azzork

Originally Posted By: Gabs

But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.

The changes are for you. If she's interested, she will see them. Plus, you have kids, so you'll always be connected. Honestly, being apart may highlight them more. Can you see paint dry or grass grow? What if you leave for a month?

I would love to just leave for a month. But she seems set on moving forward as quickly as possible. Which means finding another house to buy. The only thing stopping her from getting out now is that if she found a house today, there would be a few months before closing. FYI, she has indicated a number of times that the main reason she wants to move forward quickly is because the longer we are in the same house, or still legally married, the longer I am going to be holding on and hoping that we get back together. All this motivation to move quickly seems to be about getting me to give up.

Originally Posted By: Azzork

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.

See my first comment above. But it could also be that she doesn't want to question things now. Plow ahead with no questions asked to "get away". Then look around later.

I think part of it is that she doesn't want to keep questioning her decision, but it is also that she think I'm going to hold on to hope that we get back together as long as we are still under one roof, still legally married, etc. I did say once that even if we divorce we could still remarry one day and she rolled her eyes.

Originally Posted By: Azzork

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.

Hope is good. Hope is GREAT.
But depression is not. Who wants to be married to someone like that. Time to pick up the PMA. FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT. It's time to prove to yourself that you can be happy without your wife.

that's a tough one. i'm convinced we are soul mates. I'm not ready to prove to myself that otherwise is true.


Originally Posted By: Azzork

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?

Where does it say that you have to stop loving her when you detach? That's not what it's sbout. It's about learning to love and prioritize YOU. She won't be ready to love you until you can love yourself again. And there is no way to do that until you detach yourself and your being from her, emotionally.

I don't get that one. Can't I love myself and still be focused on her and getting her back?

Originally Posted By: Azzork

Wishing you the best, Gabs.

Thanks so much,
gabs

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Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.


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Gabs ... welcome .. or whatever we are supposed to say to someone who is 'here' as its not the place most of us ever wanted to be right? A vet read your sitch and sounded me on my board thinking I may be able to help you ... I respect her completely and if I can in anyway help someone I am all about it as I received some serious help in my stay here.

I quoted your post and will chop it down some ... just key points for now. Things that appear need to be cleared up ... there is a TON to learn and absorb here at first ... I will tell you that some of these things as you already have hinted feel the complete opposite of your very being but they are for the best, you will have to TRUST me a bit .. and the process and I know how impossible that may be as ... well you have no idea who I am.

That being said ... I have been at 'this' a bit ... there was no magic bullet, no secret cure ... my wife like yours decided she needed out ... just like that .. and like yours it felt like a race ... she BD in Sept and was out by Nov ... just like that. OM/A ... really does not matter you have to DB regardless ... so lets look at your post a bit.....




Originally Posted By: Gabs
Hello,
My wife and I have been married for 30 years. Just a few weeks ago she announced she wants a divorce. Not a separation. A divorce.

If you ask her why she is doing this, she will say, because we are different people, and there has been a wall between us. We can't communicate.

I just got introduced to this website and for the first time. Until now, I have been begging, promising, crying, apologizing, but now I have put an end to that. I realize, she even told me, the more of that, the more she is pushed away.


Ok ... so you have learned this ... Do NOT Pursue (READ Sandi's 37 .. .GOLDMINE .. learn it and live it
Originally Posted By: Gabs

For years she has been saying we have these communication and connection problems but I never really "got it." We have been to counseling, and would feel a little better for a while but would always return to our rut. And I would never really understand why she didn't feel connected. I didn't feel madly in love but I felt OK with things. Now I get it. I can see some of the things I was doing were making her feel unloved. I wasn't giving her the attention she needed and deserved. I wasn't spending time with her. Now that I get it, I feel so bad that I wasn't giving her the love she needed, and I also wish I could just get one more chance to show her what it is like to be loved. I can think of so many things that I would do if she came back. Man would she be loved!

Ok ... I will touch on this later .. but just realize it took YEARS for her to feel this way .. you all the sudden waking up will not make her feel 'oh its all good' its going to take time fro her to TRUST your changes.


Originally Posted By: Gabs

But that is not happening now. She has given me another chance before. In her mind she is "done." End of story. She says she still loves me and cares about me and wants to be my friend but we are not compatible. After 30 years! ARGH!

Note, there is no other person. She has told me (and our counselor) that she has no intention to be with another person. Relationships are a downer for her now.


She is done ... and buckle up .. soon she will have a list of reasons, rewritten history and continue to convince herself why its best to leave you ... take this for what it is .. its script but for you ... you need to do the self work, become the best option, might be a OM ... might not .. does not change YOUR approach here.


Originally Posted By: Gabs

My biggest problem right now is that she wants to move quickly and get it over with. I feel like if I had some time I could do the things I am reading about on this site. she wants to move into a different place as soon as possible. I feel this will be a huge financial burden and both of us will have a hard time making ends meet and the kids will suffer. I really don't see how we can even make it on our own, with each having our own mortgage. So I am really stressed about taking on all the expenses with half the income. I think the little savings we have will be gone quickly and then we could lose one or both of the houses. Plus, for the kids, I think they would have some time to adjust to the idea of what is happening if we take things slowly. And, I feel like if we are in separate houses I will not be able to show her I am changing. That seems to be the easiest part - the 180. I am reading books about how to communicate better, control my anger, I'm getting up earlier in the morning, I'm looking her in the eye when we talk, and repeating back what she says, I'm cleaning up much more around the house, I feel like a different person.


This is not your biggest problem, your biggest problem is she has checked out ... the speed at which she wants to move on and start her new life is just a result of this

I get it ... its fear that controls you right now, fear of her gone, family over, you alone, all you know gone ... fear will consume you a bit here ... just accept these feelings and use that to focus on what you need to do .... but not for HER. You need to do this for YOU, thats the trap many fall into is doing all these things to 'win' her back and I promise you she will see right through that and be further out the door just as if you beg plead and grovel for her to stay.


Originally Posted By: Gabs

But moving into a different house (whether it is me or her) My fear is that if she gets into another house, our finances will go down the drain, the kids will suffer more, and she will never get to see the changes I'm making.

Yup ... its a big finacial hit, but guess what, she will feel it to, and the WAS must start feeling the consequences of their actions. You can not control this part, if she wants out, she goes ... I would advise you STAY ... her choice her decision ... she leaves not you ... you are standing for your M here right?

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I know one of the ideas here is to let her take the space she needs. but in this case I really think it is going to hurt my cause. I really would like to stay under one roof as long as possible and I can live in a different room and give her lots of space, and stay at a friends house a few nights a week... But she just says she feels strongly that one of us has to move out and get a new place. She thinks it will be easier on the kids because they won't be confused by seeing us interacting when we are "split up." And I think she is in "la-la land" in terms how it will be financially when she's on her own.


Nope ... you stay in the MBR and the house... if there is not A or OM ... I would be ok with W staying there too if she chooses .. but if there is an A the advice is we ask them to leave the MBR at the least. If she so strongly wants out .. she goes ... mine did, I did not grovel, did not help her move ... her choice and her responsibility ... it becomes REAL when they leave, otherwise you leave and allow them their cake and way of life, and its up to THEM when you can come home ...make sense?

IF you do split, (I know you do not WANT to) you need to legally separate to protect yourself and the kids


Originally Posted By: Gabs

I just don't get it, after 30 years, can't we just slow down a bit? What is the rush? I understand she wants to split up with me but I don't see why we have to move towards separate houses and plow towards the Big D as soon as possible.

I have been depressed, losing weight,... To be honest, the only thing that keeps me going sometimes is the hope that I will get her back.

We never get it ... they have had this planned out for years. You do have a chance here ... trust me ... but you will have to do some work and its going to take time ... she will want to rush through this, there are things you can do to flip this in your favor as you become more of the person you were meant to be .... one she will come to respect.

Originally Posted By: Gabs

I know I'm supposed to detach. But I am having a hard time with that. I just love her. More than ever before. All the things that used to bug me about her before have disappeared. I can do the "Act as if" because it's acting, and down inside I am sad and wanting to be with her. But detaching means to actually let her go. To give up. No way. I just can't do that. this whole thing is supposed to be about getting her back, right? why do I have to detach? Can't I keep my love for her strong, even if it is hidden?

And in regards to the house situation, I would love to hear from others if I should continue to resist her plan to get out as soon as possible.

thanks.


Detach was brutal for me too ... I felt like a kid clinging to moms leg begging 'Don't leave me alone' ... normal, but you have to let go, the more you squeeze the more she will wiggle to get free. Detaching does not mean you stop loving them ... you just poker face it a bit .. love from afar if you will. Its about attitude .. and once you start doing it she will test you ... she will most likely see where you are at. Though she is pressing to leave and D ... after 30 years she still will want you in certain regards, this is to your advantage. You have to play the long game, big picture this constantly.

I know its strange, and feels sometimes like the opposite of what you feel you should do ... but think about it .. what you felt you should do to this point has your W running for the hills .... whats the worst that can happen at this point that is not already heading in that direction?


M: 48
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M16 T26-S8
BD Sept13



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Seriously, this thread should be one of Cadet's stickied. The first few posts are pure DB gold.

Thanks Cali and Azzork.

Can we assume that Azzork didn't just stumble upon the boards two weeks ago and has just skimmed through DB and DR...?


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Gabs,

I'm glad you found the site. Cali is 100% right and I think the other vets here will tell you the same thing over and over and you will resist it over and over because it just feels so "wrong". As Cali said, however, you need to recognize the fear and the urgency for what they are, step back and take the long view. NOTHING YOU DO IN THE NEXT TWO WEEKS WILL REVERSE HER COURSE OF ACTION -- NOTHING. Really all you can do is either (1) make things worse or (2) not make things any worse than they already are.

Instead of shooting for reconciliation as your target, or "getting her back", for now set your sights only on stabilizing things and not making them worse. Don't push her to take the next step away from you emotionally by continuing to chase her.

Don't convince yourself that it's okay to pursue her because your intentions are good, or it will open her eyes, or she needs to hear it, or she needs an apology, or etc. etc. etc. This is all just you convincing yourself its okay to do what you want to do versus doing what is best for your situation.

Keep reading, keep contributing. No matter what happens I promise that you will be fine in the long run -- better than fine.

Acc


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Hey gabs

Your post is almost exactly the same as mine I could be re reading my posts here

The only difference is at the moment my W is happy to stay in the same house I guess for stability of the kids and I think she know t is going to be very expensive moving

We have been in separate beds in different rooms since she dropped the B it is strange saying good night to her and then going upstairs as she stays d/stairs in the office that we are converting to a bedroom ...my junk pso I guess I have to move it .

Detaching is very difficult I will not kid you I have been her for a couple of months and the help you get is fantastic sometimes you will fight against it believing that you ha the answers but in my experience so far eveyting I have tried has not worked find things ro do to take your mind off this

I am so sorry you are here but you are amongst manŷ people who really care

Speak again

Gary


Me:48 W 41
M:18 T:26
2 D 18 & 4
2 S 17 & 13
Bomb: 20/7/2015 in house separation
D filed 06/17
Separate houses 10/17
D Final 29/12//17.
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