Thanks, Wonka. H went into the hot tub last night and asked me why I wasn't joining him. Spent some time chatting. Feels so weird we do all these things but he is still adamant about D.
I am going to London tomorrow with a friend and already he is asking me whether I am staying overnight. I am worried that he will get the wrong idea if I do but see this as an opportunity to GAL and show him I am moving forward.
Spoke to DB coach yesterday and she said to continue with these 'bonding' time sessions. I feel sometimes we are so close but so very far apart. I do feel that OW is very much his friend and don't think any thing is there. However, I really do not know.
Feeling less anxious these days, unfortunately still not as detached as I want to be. Getting there very very slowly.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
The irritation factor is off the scale here. So, he wants you in the hot tub, but still wants a D? He needs to make his mind up pretty quickly. You need to just distance a little bit. He's coming for you, but needs to make more effort and be precise on what he wants.
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I don't believe H is 'coming for me'. He is a conflict avoider and I feel that he is trying to maintain a friendship. H has always stated he would always want me in his life as a friend.
I know I am mind reading here, I don't feel that for him it is any more than that.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
It's a bit hard to argue that you are or you should be doing everything for you irrespective of what he might be thinking. The truth is that what he is thinking is pAramount here to saving your M. What he is DOING is probably more accurately what you should be paying attention to. Not even so much what he is saying is worth your worry.
So if you want to go in the hot tub - go. I know you ARE trying to influence his thinking. Possibly the approach here is to SHOW you don't care what he is thinking. The best wAy to do that is to genuinely not care what he is thinking.
M: 6 T: 12 Kids: 2,4 BD: Jan 2015 S: Feb 2015 EA/PA confirmed: Feb2015/Mar2015
So H texts twice, do I know when I will be back? Replied, staying over will be back tomorrow.
Replied ok thanks. I just don't understand.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Back to the house, H is pleasant but distant. Working in the garden. Sent DS to pick me up at the station.
I went into the hot tub later and H joined me, (I didn't ask him, he just came in), there was no conversation at all. Later, whilst sunbathing, he also joined me but was texting throughout. Sometimes I feel he is also carrying out 180s and Sandis rules too.
Refused family dinner, watched a bit of TV, then suddenly at around 8.30pm, got up, gathered his things and went upstairs to bed without a word, not even goodnight.
It is so hard not to try and analyse each non/interaction with H.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
Yes, the Urge to ask is overwhelming. H has stopped 'hiding' his texting now openly does it in front of me but phone tilted away.
Since going to London this weekend, with the same friend I went to the concert with, H has been more distant and cold. I did question going on the premise of will this bring me closer to my goal but felt that I needed to GAL and move forward.
Both 47 M 20 T25 S 18 EA July 11- Jan 12. ILYBNILWY Oct EA April 13 -July 13 Move to work abroad Sept 14 re establish contact with OW while away D bomb 22/12/14 D filed papers served 17/03/15
I don't believe H is 'coming for me'. He is a conflict avoider and I feel that he is trying to maintain a friendship. H has always stated he would always want me in his life as a friend.
I think this is close to reality. WAS's in an EA/PA are addicts, and their #1 priority is to avoid consequences in their life and protecting their drug of choice. As much as the limbo stinks for you, it is his safe haven as it allows him to live with one leg on each side of the walk-away fence. Cake eating. Also, while he may not be afraid of D, if that does come to pass I'm sure he doesn't want an angry or vindictive woman, so I think keeping things friendly serves him there as well. Again, all about avoiding consequences of his choices.
Of course you're not the one that needs to apply those consequences, nor should you. Let life do that on it's own. Just remind yourself the M is over. While the future is unknown he is a long way from being remorseful, changing his behavior, growing, and recommitting to doing whatever it takes to make a new better M. Until then you best act as if you knew for sure the D was on, and continue to do those things you should: Detaching, boundaries, and your own personal GAL and 180s which are for YOU (they may be based on your half the breakdown of the R and may have been uncovered based on his feedback, but they are NOT for him).
Once you've done this you can play the waiting game. Live your life. Find your own happiness. Be the person you want to be. It may seem like you're enabling him to avoid consequences, but you're not. The idea of living like this for a year may seem insane, but I don't think so. If you are truly detached and enjoying your life the passage of time will be much easier on you than it is on him. He'll be dealing with all the crap from his own conflicted emotions, an OW that may be pressuring him and looking less appealing at times, and frustration that you're not letting him cake eat. Sooner or later he'll be forced to action by OW or by his own pain. When that happens you'll have made a smooth path home without enabling him to avoid the growth and commitment that road requires.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
