The going gets tough! (Smothy 7)

[Smothy]

Put on a dress and did my hair before H came home to give me confidence and PMA. H came back earlier than expected and told me DS said I was cooking dinner tonight. Asked about my work weekend, general chat, I asked about his day. Poured us both a glass of wine, sat outside, DS turns up and we joked and chatted, a very good vibe. Though one point H handed me some lavendar to smell and he took great pains not to touch my hand. Asked me if I was going to see his mum and this w/e would be good for him too. I said I can go next week on my own.

Continue the good vibe at dinner with more wine. DS leaves and H asks me how am I? I say good, looking forward to abroad, showing PMA. This is where the whole evening changes.

H tells that when he walked through the door this evening, he thought I looked beautiful in my dress and wanted nothing more than to take me upstairs but knew he couldn't. He then continues to say he loves me and will always love me and care for me but cannot be married to me. He doesn't hate me, he did during a part of his dark period but he doesn't now and never will. He explained how hurt he is and the pain he has been in. I validated and said if I could I would do things differently. I don't want the old marriage either. Told H I have been working on myself and changing my core beliefs that have affected my behaviour.

H continued to say we will both find someone else and continue with our lives. I said I would like this to be him and I understand what he is saying. He said he would always be there for me and call him anytime even if I break up with a boyfriend or if they were not treating me right!!!?? H said we would be great friends. I told him I didnt sign up to be his friend but as his wife.

H held out his hand to hold during this talk, when he was saying how much he loves me, I went and gave him a hug and then we sat next to each other holding each other at one point even kissing. The closest we have been since I left to go abroad.

H also told me in this conversation he didn't 'sleep' with the girl he went to London with but slept together as he wanted someone to hold that evening. He also apologised for all the hurt he caused me re OW and said that they are really just friends.

H then says he is going to bed, say goodnight and gives me another hug.

I don't know whether the next part was crazy. After H goes to bed I stay downstairs and decide to go and give him a cuddle. I knock on his door and tell H I would like us to hold each other tonight after our talk. H agrees and tells me it doesn't changes anything. Later on in the night I wake up and H is aroused and we end up ML. Held my hand through the night.

This morning moved his hand when I reached for it, scrambled out of bed and took his iPad and iPhone to the shower. Came into the room to say goodbye and seemed very reluctant to move towards me. I called him and held out my hand, H took it and I told him it was OK, I understand.

Seems like he is backing away after letting his guard down last night. It felt so right to have him by my side. I am not sorry that I went to his room last night as I felt very compelled to do so. However, I am sorry that I did not say no to ML.

Advice, 2x4s? any insight?

[Huddy]

You need a vet for that one. On one hand sounds positive, then all the negativity kicks back in.

[Pyrite]

wow - way to go Smothy . Bet you never thought that would've happened a month ago.

I think - either it was (for him):

a) just sex
b) sex, also romantic, but doesn't change anything and will not
c) sex, also romantic, might imply that his mind can be changed
d) sex, also romantic, might imply that his mind is changed

in any case a-d, it felt good and still does in somme respect.
in case a and b leave it it felt good and still does in somme respect.
in either case c and d, you have to keep doing what you have been. "Train" up baby. He has definitely not given you the "I'm so sorry Smothy, please take me back speech", so your agenda hasn't changed.

easy as an outsider to be rational. If I had've ever had this happen you would have tranquillise me to stop me from being excited and optimistic - but it is easy for me to tell you - I think you should play it cool. "Yeah that was nice, but no big, nothing has changed". And don't be the one to bring it up!! Let hime bring it up. If he doesn't, let it go. This would just be pursuit all over again and you dont want him to run. He has already taken a step towards you - take another back even.

go girl .

[Wonka]

Smothy,

Try not to take this personally, but that was classic distancer-pursuer dance. Normal. Many WASes run the other direction when there's been some closeness and intimacy.

I think you really did well with dressing up and talking with H.

Next time, H tries to get close or intimate, why not playfully punch H and shove him away with a smile.

Remember the famous saying around here about 'believing none of what they say, but believe 50% of what they do'??

Keep going, sweetie.

[Smothy]

Came back from seeing friends at 7.30pm. H is in bed, he said he is tired and didn't get any sleep last night.

[Sotto]

Hi Smothy, I guess I struggle with why you would want to get close to him when he's sneaking off to the bathroom with the ipad and iPhone? I think he's lying about 'friends.' You don't guard your phone and ipad like that if there is 'just friends' stuff on them...may not be a PA - but an EA at least.

It sounds like he was conflicted last night and one thing led to another. He has drawn back again now. But you initiating closeness like that is the opposite of DB principles - like you are trying to 'love' him back in. I don't believe that will work. Better to draw back yourself, set appropriate boundaries and enjoy the peace and self-respect that brings.

Have you read anything on co-dependency at all? I haven't - but I want to have a look at co-dependent no more, as people seem to rate it...

Take care, Toots.

[Smothy]

Just been speaking to a friend about last night and she said I made a mistake by not being at home when H returned.

I don't want to give H any more justification to D than he has. friend said H probably been thinking about all day about this and when I wasn't home, got pieced and went to bed. :-(

I made the decision not to be here, as I was nervous about us after the aloofness of this morning, also I wanted H to see that I was still GAL.

Any thoughts?

[Smothy]

Toots, you are right, what I did was opposite of DB principles. For me last night it was something I wanted to do. My DB coach advised me to take opportunities to be close with touch. I saw this as such a time and jumped right in without really thinking it all through. I needed us to be closer after the conversation we had.

I do realise boundaries needs to be drawn. I have read some of Co dependent no more and I do appear to have some co dependency traits. In fact reading it and recognising myself in some of it was quite frightening.

H went to have a shower with the iPad and phone after unplugging it. I struggle with Believing he isn't having an EA but it is uncertain. H repeatedly tells me the OW are only friends.

H has told me he has been pursued by others from work and had some 'offers'. I know he has been out for drinks and meals but denies he is 'dating'.

[Pyrite]

actually Smoth - i should've said in case a-d (not just c-d) - you just have to keep going - as i said before whilst it may indeed be seen as cause to be optimistic, it is easier to be realistic as an outsider and "really" nothing about your situation has notably changed. Let him come to you. The other night just suited you yeah. Dont stop wit the dressing up etc and going out. STFU about your sorry - he's heard it a million times - it just reinforces that THAT is how you were and THAT is what he is running from. Better to SHOW him that THAT doesn't exist rather than telling him it doesn't or apologising that it was.

I know you (and I) feel like they haven't really heard it (sorry etc) and whilst that may be true: a) why would this time be different b)actions speak louder than words - always.

BTW - my sitch is at an end. Ling is getting (more) hostile. W doesn't even pretend - openly admits PA etc. OM is now a big feature in kids lives as well. They will be living together as soon as Ling is done. It will last at least 1.5 years until he gets permanent residency I suspect.

I have tried and I have found it in my heart to have compassion for her and forgive her. But this doesn't mean that she is someone I would choose to be friends with. She has been horrible beyond the point of just being a WW. And maybe if she was ever remorseful, these things would fade away and her positives would shine through. ATM I dont want/need her friendship let alone R.

[Smothy]

(((Py))) big hugs to you. So sorry to hear that.

My friends are telling me at least when I leave, I would of done everything I possibly could. We are here on this forum trying to work it out. Kudos to us!