Hey shnswms, I got caught up on your sitch. All the advice you have gotten so far is spot on. Don't get discouraged. You are in the very early days of your sitch. I know it's hard to see everything clearly in the early stages.
I would encourage to try not to think or worry about what your W posts on Facebook or if she will text you. Maybe assume the worst and just come to terms with that. Mindreading is a fruitless pursuit that only leads to greater frustration for yourself.
Me:35 W:30 D:4 S:1 Bomb: 01/08/15, discovered EA & PA In House Separation: 01/14/15 W moves out: 04/05/15 I tell OM's W about A: 04/15/15 W serves D papers: 06/19/15 Mediation: 09/16/15 D final: 12/01/15
She texted me tonight about coming over Wednesday for our weekly get together. I told her I had made plans for friends to come over and grill and have some fun. She didn't respond for over an hour. I know she was trying to formulate some kind of calculated response. All her texts have been rainbows, sunshine and positivity. And of course, she said "That is great! That is awesome! Have fun!" etc. I responded, "We'll see about Friday. I'll let you know." She was okay with that and is planning on Friday for now.
My biggest question is: At what point is it okay to start asking questions about our relationship, future, past, etc. I know I am supposed to act like I am moving on with my life and don't really care. She can be quite stubborn and I know she doesn't want to talk about it. I don't think I will ever get answers.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Somehow we got texting on the phone about opening up communication and she throws this line at me yesterday: "Well we can talk more often. I'm sorry I really think we are better as friends". I knew how she felt and I had been preparing myself for the worst for the last month. Feelings don't change in a month when you move out like she did. I am kind of glad she got that out because I needed to hear it for my own sanity. I think she had been waiting for an opening to say it. My response was kind of cold and detached, but not mean. We had no further contact after that. I don't expect her to come over Friday now and if she does try, I will cancel. I am going into full dark mode now. Let's see where this goes from here...
Last edited by shnswms; 07/16/1510:15 AM.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
So, I have finally fully committed to DB'ing. Her telling me are "better as friends" was the turning point. And to my surprise it is already producing some results. She was supposed to show up at my house tonight at 6 pm for our weekly get together. I really didn't expect her to show after our last conversation.
Sure enough, right on the dot at 6pm I get a text. "I can bring the dog on the way to my sister's bridal shower tomorrow evening. I have an appointment for the shower tonight." She blew me off...no surprise there. I dug around and found out there was no appointment and she hadn't lifted a finger to help with her sister's shower.
I waited 6 1/2 hours before I texted her this: "Damn! I completely forgot about that. I am glad you made other plans! Tomorrow doesn't work for me." Two minutes later she sends this: "Do you want me to bring him by to stay with the girls on the way to my parent's house in the morning or not?! I am going to bed now." I finally evoked some kind of emotion from her I thought. Acting like I have plans and I am moving on with my life, which I really do and will not be available tomorrow. I responded later, "No, tomorrow does not work for me. I will contact you early next week when I have a better idea of what my schedule is going to be." She responded immediately "Alright, sounds good."
I don't know what if any of that means anything but I feel committed to the purpose now. It felt good not to pursue and make her wonder for once.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
After 53 posts and she pulls the friendship card, you are finally ready to commit to DBing. Okay, so when this week goes by without any positive "signs" that going dark is working, will you still be committed?
I am just trying to get you to understand that this may take a very long time. There are no shortcuts. There will be long stretches of time that you won't see any positive signs from her. That does not mean DBing isn't working. She has to work through her stuff. If this was just about your faults, then it would be a snap to fix things, right?
You hear this a lot around the board, improvements are for you. Very true, indeed, b/c your changes do not ganantee to bust the D. Yes, they were an issue for her in the past, but now she has become wayward and has her mind on someone else. Things are more complicated. She is not seeing this stitch with the same viewpoint as you.
The A is not over as long as they are contacting each other. There is a story on the board where the WW ended her EA (seems like almost a year) but continued to watch OM's FB. Just looking at his pictures would trigger her feelings for him. She has made no progress b/c she refuses to stop looking at his pictures.
You have been operating mostly out of your emotions, just as a WW does. She's not the only one who is bouncing all over the place. You would do well to lean how to start operating based on what you know and the advice from the board, not what you feel. feelings are fickle, and they can mess up the DB ground you may cover.
Don't give up, but do try to think with a different mindset.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Echo. At first, the medicine seems wrong, counter intuitive. But you quickly see that you've been sacked, so it's not about getting WAS back, it's about making yourself better so that WAS wants to come back. Get it?
It's gonna be hard, but stick to the path!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
Thanks for replying Sandi. I am fully committed to this. I know based on my past posts that it is difficult to believe. The friendship card really did change the dynamics for me. I know that her head is nowhere near reconciliation and will not be for a long time if ever.
I have absolutely been operating on emotions. I thought about her constantly, obsessively watched her social media accounts. At a certain point, my mind would just snap and I just told myself, I have to contact her! I couldn't bare it any longer. I would look for any sign of hope. I interpreted the meetings as positive signs, a quick hug or kiss would envelop me. Turns out, they weren't. I would take two steps forward and go three back.
I have not had any contact with her since Friday evening. And I have no plans to contact her. What I was doing was not working! I have not seen her in almost 2 weeks. The only thing tying us together at this point is the dogs. I want to see my dog, but I don't want to risk the DB for it. I thought maybe I could ask her to drop him off while I am at work.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Thanks RAI and Huddy for dropping by. I have absolute respect for Sandi and everyone on the boards. It means a lot, you guys are willing to take a moment out of your day to help me. I know this is a very long process and will take a long time to see results. I am in it for the long haul. It is still too early for me to lose hope. It took her months to plan this and follow through. It will take that long or much longer for her to change her mindset. I know I have to make her feel the loss. I am not doing that when I am pursuing her.
Last night, I was looking through her old laptop that she gave me and I found a link she had saved from Feb 2014. It was entitled "30 Days to a Better Husband". That stung a little bit. I hadn't realized our issues had stretched back that far. I thought maybe I saved it but I had no recollection of it. It had to have been her. I couldn't open the link or find it again. I wish I could have read it.
Last edited by shnswms; 07/21/1506:59 AM.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
Quick update. So she texted me and made the decision to come over Thursday evening to drop the dog off and visit with the other ones. I even offered to meet her at a halfway point between us or just have her drop him off. She said she would like to visit, so I will accept that as is. I will remain professional and business like. It has been easier to detach from her in the last week. Today, I got my entire yard straight, which is a few acres. I went out to lunch with my father and did some yoga. Yoga has been so beneficial to me. It is so relaxing. I will update you guys later on.
Me: 33 W: 30 T - 12 M - 3 K - 0 BD - 6/14/15 Moved out - 6/14/15
