Well Bob, at least you know where she is at just now. Seriously though - if you hope to save your M, sending significant TMs like that is a bad idea my friend.
Oh well - keep moving forward. And remember that important rule to never lose hope no matter how bleak things may seem. We just never know for any of our sitches how they may turn out.
Also, while I'm sure it's very nice to be asked for your number, I wouldn't rush into a new R with anyone else if you still love your W and hope to reconcile.
Keep on DBing Bob xx
Last edited by Toots; 07/13/1505:50 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I agree with Toots and Wonka Bob, you got an answer. Is it truth? Who knows, but I'd take it as such for now. I've gotten to a similar place my friend, the real DB'ing starts now.
On some weird unexplainable cosmic level, I believe our spouses know when we've really detached. REALLY detached, not just detached in name or on this board. I've read all of the success stories and the common theme is "I simply stopped giving a [censored] in my heart of hearts" and that's when she came back. I'm sure there are plenty of stories about LBS's that stopped giving a [censored] and their spouses didn't come back, but they didn't give a [censored] at that point so it didn't matter.
Move forward for real Bob, in your heart. What the future holds is for no one to know. You're a good man, and have a pure heart, you deserve to be with someone that recognizes that and celebrates it. Someone that wakes up and says, "Holy smokes, Bob is an amazing man, I can't even imagine sharing my life with anybody but him."
Until that person shows up as either your W returning, or a new partner, you get to be the one that celebrates it.
Big hug my friend,
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Something really stuck out to me on what you just posted. " She treats me like dog poop". Bob you are a good person. I know this is hard, but if I were you, I would move on.
Hi Joe,
Thank you so much for the kind words, and I feel like you have a great point.
I guess I feel like I am in DBing "hell" right now. I know it’s not easy and can take a long time. Maybe I don’t have the patience I used to. As I'm getting out more, I am realizing that women still do find me attractive -- whether it's physical, my personality or both. (LOL!) My W, as so many LBS's have written on this board is like an alien to me -- a "vicious" alien (to use her exact word about one of her own texts to me).
I'm not saying I've given up all hope, but my eyes are beginning to open after getting my self-esteem back.
Thank you sir!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
You got antsy and just wanted it to get out there. Were you expecting some type of Notebook reaction from W??
Get back on the DB horse.
My dear, dear friend Wonka,
Somehow, I just knew I'd hear from you. I am trying very hard.
I hope thnigs are well your way!
Thank you for checking in. I am not going to reply to her TM.
((hugs))
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Also, while I'm sure it's very nice to be asked for your number, I wouldn't rush into a new R with anyone else if you still love your W and hope to reconcile.
Keep on DBing Bob xx
Another "dear, dear friend" -- Hello Toots!
Very solid advice, as always. I think that is my dilemma now?? Do I really still love her after all this? Can I ever trust her again?
I'm trying! As part of my DBing, I am going to really move forward more than ever and not look back. Maybe then my W will truly realize I have moved on, and, I know the dynamics could completely change.
I do like Joe's advice, no contact at all.
I hope you're doing well, Toots. xx
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Move forward for real Bob, in your heart. What the future holds is for no one to know. You're a good man, and have a pure heart, you deserve to be with someone that recognizes that and celebrates it. Someone that wakes up and says, "Holy smokes, Bob is an amazing man, I can't even imagine sharing my life with anybody but him."
Until that person shows up as either your W returning, or a new partner, you get to be the one that celebrates it.
PigPen,
Why am I not surprised you checked in and took time to post? What a great friend and source of support you have become, sir!
I agree with you, on some "cosmic level" our spouses really can tell when we have truly "moved on." And that leads into part of my post to Toots moments ago. As part of my DBing, I am going to really move forward and not look back. Maybe then my W will truly realize I have moved on, and, I know the dynamics could completely change.
I don't know what I would do without all the support from this board. You have become a HUGE contributor to so many. Your words just flow like a beautiful river. What a writer you are!
I really need to get back to work now. I hope you are doing better and I'll do my best to catch up with you later. I have an IC appt. tonight right after work.
Big hugs back at 'ya, buddy.
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Nothing wrong with opening your eyes, or with getting your self esteem back.
Cadet,
Thank you sir -- I needed that!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Your enthusiasm makes me smile, I think of you as irrepressible and encouragible. Despite all I really doubt this will damage your PMA in the longer term and I don't see you moving on just yet.
WW will be going at her own pace not yours.
Temp checking isn't a great idea with your WW. You may have undone much of your progress so far although i know you wanted something different. I wouldn't have thought WW could have answered differently from the space she is in.
Back to basics Bob. Shrug, learn and let it go. You made a mistake, so do we all. If you want to stand for M and for Bob you can, it is possible.
V
Last edited by Vanilla; 07/13/1509:32 PM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I guess I feel like I am in DBing "hell" right now. I know it’s not easy and can take a long time. Maybe I don’t have the patience I used to. As I'm getting out more, I am realizing that women still do find me attractive -- whether it's physical, my personality or both. (LOL!) My W, as so many LBS's have written on this board is like an alien to me -- a "vicious" alien (to use her exact word about one of her own texts to me).
I'm not saying I've given up all hope, but my eyes are beginning to open after getting my self-esteem back.
Bob
Hey Bob .... just thought I would post. I have not read your entire sitch .. but have read enough I think I get a good feel.
Truth is ... like me, you might just be to darn nice .. and to darn willing to keep that door propped WIDE open for your W. I was that way ... I also am nearing in on 2 years separated, faced the D storm front seriously 3 times .. along with several 'threats' of the D. I am not here to tell you the 11th hour success story ... however, I was just signatures away from being single. I will not mind read you ... I will share I never wanted it, I was so focused on DBing and doing everything as well as I could 'by the DB book' ... I GAL'd .. PMA .. 180'd my tail off and like you ... My wife sounded and looked like my W, but the hatred she had for me, the eyes were cold and black, it was not her.
Then I started accepting ... well this may be my life now, I actually looked at myself, my faults .. owned them and began working on myself. I would cave to avoid conflict, do what ever made her happy .. I put her on a pedestal. Know what happened? she lost all respect for me as a man, and from that pedestal she thought she deserved better. Took me a long time to learn this, even longer to get my mojo back and rebuild my self confidence ... lets be honest .. no bigger blow to ones ego than BD from your mate.
So ... about 18 months or so after BD W wanted to meet up, I figured final signature talk and finally that's it, I am free from the chains that weighed me down she can go ahead with her A and be happy with OM, I actually was good with it, I liked me, liked my life, and I had set some goals for myself as a single man ... none of which included 'somone' to fill my needs. And I even reached a point if OM made her that happy ... so be it, good for them, I arrived that a happy W would result in a happy S, and my S means the world to me. Then out of nowhere..... She anti BD me and wanted to work on the M. Like many WW ... she finally felt she was going to lose me, and any sense of family that ever could have been.
If there is a magic bullet in any of this .. I think its getting to that point of being secure in your future regardless of what that WAS does ... because we all have learned by now there is no controlling them regardless, and we are in control of our own happiness.
My advice .. do your thing. That TM was a temp check by you... I do not think it was a set back other than maybe a gut punch as admit it or not you had expectations she would want to have a "where we went wrong" moment .... that may/may not ever come ... not your problem regardless.
