Feels like I've struggled through constant mistakes throughout my first thread. I'm hoping to stay more on DB point here.
Getting my tattoos tonight. Never done it before. Originally WW was going to take me, then go home and put the kids to bed and come back. Now I think I'll swing by home and just head over. She can visit or not - I won't invite/pursue or question. This weekend will be a struggle to stay on DB task, but I am working both days, so that will keep me away. Of course I stay concerned because working too much is something that caused issues and I'm trying to cut back on doing this to the family. Still, this weekend is unavoidable.
Must stay strong. Be the lighthouse. But continue the process and be strong...
Me: early 30s Her: same M: 5+yrs T:10+yrs D (2): under 10s OM PA - Began Apr/15 A Discovered/ILYBINILWY: Start of May Removed ring: End of June
Kinda sad to have to start a new thread, but it's time.
Starting a new thread:
LOL ... talk to me when you have 17 going on 18 like I do
Originally Posted By: t33
Getting my tattoos tonight. Never done it before. Originally WW was going to take me, then go home and put the kids to bed and come back. Now I think I'll swing by home and just head over. She can visit or not - I won't invite/pursue or question. This weekend will be a struggle to stay on DB task, but I am working both days, so that will keep me away. Of course I stay concerned because working too much is something that caused issues and I'm trying to cut back on doing this to the family. Still, this weekend is unavoidable.
I got my Tat during the crisis aswell. Was for me .. actually looking back I did a few things I always wanted to do and W would have none of it ... Tat, Harley ... GAL ... GAL.
Good approach, she knows where you are and if she wants she can swing by ... if not .. no big .. those tats will be stuck on you forever .. not like she will never have a chance to see them.
As far as work .. I went through that too. Like you I was trying everything I could to prove to W I changed. I DJ'd 3 nights a week on top of my regular job. To show W I wanted the M I dropped 2 of the three nights, you know how she responded? Had me take our S one of those nights so she could continue the A. There is a lesson from that...you can own your faults ... but fixing them now falls under the to little to late plan ... if you can get to the table and talk about things, this would be a "I would do things differently" situation, and her reply might be "Like what" .. you could then say "Not work as much and spend more time with you and the kids"
I agree with you on almost everything. Coffee at the local Starbucks at 11 yes, romantic evening date in Italian restaurant with wine and shared desert spoons? Not so much!
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Thanks V - makes sense. Maybe we'll get a drink and some food tomorrow afternoon when my mom takes the kids - if not, I'll get a drink. GAL activity tonight with a friend. She already knows though - and supports me going out. Feels like half of the GAL work of just going out mysteriously has been lost on this activity - but whatever, I'll go have fun.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
LOL ... talk to me when you have 17 going on 18 like I do
CaliGuy! Haha! Well, you've certainly done the work. So happy it's paying off for you.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
I got my Tat during the crisis aswell. Was for me .. actually looking back I did a few things I always wanted to do and W would have none of it ... Tat, Harley ... GAL ... GAL.
Ya, my W has never held me back - I've done that to myself. i think GAL is going to be good for me to get out and start living for me again as well as create that sense of interest in W for me.
Good approach, she knows where you are and if she wants she can swing by ... if not .. no big .. those tats will be stuck on you forever .. not like she will never have a chance to see them.
Tats came out well. I went on my own. W and D8 showed up right before they started and got to see the outline. They stayed for the first 10 mins, then went to dinner. Stopped by on their way home. W said she'd come back after the girls were in bed. Texted 30mins before we finished that she was so tired and didn't think she'd make it back. I didn't respond (didn't actually see it until after we'd finished). So I went back home, had a snack, cleaned up went to bed.
In the morning she said sorry she didn't make it back. I dismissed it saying it was totally fine, no problem. She then saw them and was surprised how big they were. I think she's still a bit shocked I went through with it!
She went to pick up breakfast as I was leaving for work. She came over to me and gave me a hug and I turne dmy face so she could cheek kiss me, which she did. She then looked at me and kissed me on the lips. Then came in for a slightly more passionate kiss. I let her kiss me, then pulled back, said have a nice day and strolled over to my car.
I'm sure this was more temp checking - I hope I played it right.
Originally Posted By: CaliGuy
As far as work .. ...Right now ... she is not listening to you yet.
ya, it's so hard to balance - particularly when I'd rather be with the kids. It's just the industry there is no way around it sometimes. It also [censored] being on the upswing in my career having just finished a project most people would have killed for to move onto an even larger project that is pretty unbelievable. I should be having the time of my life and now it's just a struggle and grind to get through each day. I am a bit resentful of that.
In any case, you're right, she's not listening - so I can do what I need to do for me and the kids and when she starts listening - perhaps she'll realize the sacrifices I've made.
Me: early 30s Her: same M: 5+yrs T:10+yrs D (2): under 10s OM PA - Began Apr/15 A Discovered/ILYBINILWY: Start of May Removed ring: End of June
Sorry, I sent a post to your last thread, so I'll copy it here.
Quote:
Quote: Sorry, this might be a bit of a hijack, so I apologize in advance, but it does relate to T. Sandi, I am curious about your stance on the friendship aspect. I know that many of us on here getting DB coaching are being told by our coaches that we should be trying to start by building friendships even with WS' with active A or who are treating us with other forms of disrespect. I have received that advice and have read other LBS thread also receiving this advice. I know everyone on here respects your opinion, so it would be nice to hear your thoughts on the DB advice. I might be missing something. This is something I have been conflicted about with the coaching. It seems often opposite of what we hear from vets on here. Maybe it is one particular coach??
I don't know if it is one particular coach, or not. I try to respect the DB coaches by not arguing my point verses their advice. This subject has come up in another thread, and it is very difficult to say silent on this particular piece of advice, if there is a wayward spouse involved. Especially if it is a wayward woman, b/c of how they are wired.......which is different from men. The makeup of a wayward wife goes so that she will either be the LBH'S friend or spouse......but not both. If he demotes himself from his position of husband to settle for being just her friend, she will not respect him as being a man she wants for her H. One reason is b/c he is putting his stamp of approval on her having an A and putting them into an open M. He is putting his stamp of approval on how disrespectful she has been to him and their M, and what she's doing to their kids. I guarantee you that a wayward woman who is full of rebellion, resentment, and disrespect will not be attracted to a man who will lick up her crumbs while she is screwing another guy! He has to get her RESPECT first. Not her friendship!
Even if he goes the route of friendship and her A fizzles out, and she goes back to the M. He will soon find out in their bed just how little she desires him to be her lover. She will keep him, sexually, at a friend's distance. That is my message to the LBH. You cannot be her BFF while she's disrespecting you and think she's going to be hot for you later.
There is a time when the H can once again become her friend. I'm not saying he can never be friends with her. I am saying he can't afford to be friends while she is betraying him and having an affair.
P.S. Don't confuse being friends with the act of friendliness.
Last edited by sandi2; 07/11/1506:45 PM.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I agree with you. Some of that applies to WHs too.
One thing I am sure is that posters often tell their coaches extra info, and coaches may sense tone and affect more. They may also concern themselves with children and co parenting, so that may be a reason.
I try to reconcile the approaches and there are extra complications if there are systematic abuses. Many times its up to the LBS to reconcile approaches and T33 has other posters like Cali with grounded advice too. My concern is where it creates indecision so the poster is left confused and in doubt about the course to take. If the friendship route doesn't work (most likely) then it's another avenue closed and full blown WW understanding might even be easier for the male LBS with a WW. It introduces a delay though.
T33 has caught on to the Temp checking and is I would bet dealing with this eyes wide, as we can see from the kissing post above. I suspect more scales will fall.
Sandi thank you for being you, I light my votive for your H and D every day. ((((Hugs))))
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Yes, I agree with you and sandi2 too. I appreciate the feedback (even if contradictory) to the DB coaches advice. While it's nice to be respectful, at the same time, there are experiences and opinions that are valuable in culling all the information in trying to move things forward.
The whole kids in the middle of everything certainly seems to complicate things and make it difficult to constantly apply the strategies and pull back.
It's helpful to identify the temp checking, but still - pass some fail some. This is very hard.
Me: early 30s Her: same M: 5+yrs T:10+yrs D (2): under 10s OM PA - Began Apr/15 A Discovered/ILYBINILWY: Start of May Removed ring: End of June
So, yesterday seemed to be a good day. I'm sure there were temp checks all over the place. I'm also sure I passed some and failed others. In any case, I worked the first half of the day. Got home around 4pm as my mom was picking up the kids to take overnight. Once they left, W and I went down the street for some food and drinks.
We hung out at the place for hours drinking and talking. I'm sure the alcohol helped push conversation, but I tried to keep any relationship talk to a minimum. She talked a bit about things she wants to do together. Places to go. Lots of future talk. Anytime things started to get to a point where the talk moved much further into the future, I tried my best to reign things in. Saying something like, "That's great but we need to take things slowly and see where things go. I've got a lot of things to figure out and we just need to approach each day at a time". Not exactly, that, but that was the idea of what I was trying to do.
In any case, the night went extremely well and we had lots of fun. Must continue to DB as she is still a WW, but the talk of the future certainly was an improvement. I'm cautiously optimistic, yet we do frequently have great weekends only to be sabotaged when she goes back to work. There is still months of work to be done, but it feels like we did take a step forward.
Me: early 30s Her: same M: 5+yrs T:10+yrs D (2): under 10s OM PA - Began Apr/15 A Discovered/ILYBINILWY: Start of May Removed ring: End of June
Glad you are at least thinking about things while these events are taking place. beware of the cake eating ... your WW has you on the weekends and has her OM during the week to think about.
