To help with PMA, try not to read texts or emails between W and OW. Right now, they're high on A dopamine. And what's that comment about "your mistress" all about?! You know it's best to zip it about the OW.
Trust me...things are not always rosy. I've been here for almost 10 year and many LBS report that their spouses open up about their life with XOM/XOW...it is NEVER what you imagined. Don't engage in thoughts that they're happy and all is rainbows, cotton candy and popsciles. It is ALWAYS ht opposite.
Why do the WASes declare that they're much happier and better off with the OW/OM? Because they want to give you the impression that they've made the right decision and they'd be damned to admit that they're wrong. So they persist in this type of narrative. Oh no...they just don't want to climb down and admit any wrong doing.
Dif .... you can also look at it this way. That A, in the beginning, see it for what it is, forbidden fruit, it was all hot and exciting, secretive, not allowed because .... well it was wrong.
As the A runs its course, yes no M can compete with those new highs, the freshness of it all, the rush and excitement that comes with it, we experienced those feelings early on in our relationships ....thing is, that A is the rabbit, and the M is the turtle, the M slow and steady for several YEARS ... that A rush ... simply months and as it dies the WAS and OP will try and try to recreate that rush ... but inevitably fail.
My W's A began in Feb13 with OM emailing her that he was leaving his W, out M was ripe for the taking at that time as I had lost my father in 2012 and still struggling, seems the EA started blossoming Jul13, BD Sep13 and sep Nov13. High A rush from there but in my case I lost count ... atleast 6 break ups (maybe more) between Jan14 and Jan15. I made a gang of mistakes as I did not find this place till Aug14.
When I gave my M and W to God, granted it was painfully hard, but at that point in my life it was either let go or sink with the ship. Gave her to God, DB'd and rediscovered Cali, created Cali 2.0 and looking back, I think I needed the journey ... as hurtful and painful as it has been, not that I would want to do it over .. but it was necessary.
No true growth comes without suffering. When you suffer enough you change ... its evolution of the soul and spirit.
Trust Dif, there are little bread crumbs there that I see, but I really think she has to lose you to realize what a huge mistake she is making. You just need to trust this will work out with or without W .. you will be ok regardless.
Wonka and Cali, thanks as always for your wisdom and support.
I agree, really feel it in my gut that yes, she has to lose me before she completely realizes what she had with me. She is working overtime to impress and please the OW, who is needy and clingy and constantly doing social things. I know my W is enjoying the change of pace right now, and the dopamine high of course, but it's not a sustainable pace for her. Intellectually, I get all this. It's my heart that has trouble.
We went out this morning and looked at a property together. On the way back, she informed me that she has "dinner plans," and asked if I had dinner plans. I said I missed our Albanian pizza Friday nights - and you know, a few weeks ago, I think she would have dismissed or ignored that comment (or suggested I eat leftovers or do laundry!) But today, she said, "Oh. Maybe we can have the boys over sometime next week and do Albanian pizza." I think she enjoyed our family dinner last night, up until we got into "God talk," anyway.
She also complimented me on how I look today, and right now in fact, she is sitting beside me at the kitchen counter working on her laptop, instead of upstairs in the office. She's never done this before. Trying not to read into things, but if she has come back to enjoying my presence, I'm going to make it a presence that she misses deeply when she's gone.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Dif I agree ... and I also feel given the arrangement you are much to available to her.
She told you she "needed a break" so there you both were .. nice evening on the couch. Fast forward a bit when she again needs a break .... but you are not there. Guess what happens ... she now will get a break from OW, but find herself alone with her thoughts, dangerous place for her to be right?
She is currently on a cake eat fest ... she has OW when she wants .. and when that's not available she has you and family time ... I did the same .. pick your spots here, I know some might say pull the rug out from under her .. but I gave W a taste here n there ... like my own drug .. the family drug which is a better high than the A drug as it is REAL .... but there came a time I was tired of dealing, dropped rope and I pulled the plug. At that point she found herself alone on the beach missing family .. not OM and the A.
Yes Cali, just what I was thinking. She's enjoying my presence here right now, and she'll be here for a few hours before her "dinner plans." She doesn't know I'm leaving for my own plans in about half an hour, and as soon as I say goodbye, she'll react with, "Where are you going?"
By the way, she's not going to like living alone. She lived alone overseas for 15 years, and when she finally settled here, she was so happy to be surrounded by love and warmth. My suspicion is this: she'll be at the OW's house more often than not. Until the OW grates on her nerves and she needs more frequent and longer breaks. And those breaks will be in a tiny ramshackle place in a less than desirable neighborhood. And that's when I'm hoping thoughts of missing me will kick in... when I'll either be in one of our nicer rentals, or in the place I am building for myself.
To which a repentant and willing to reform W will be most welcome.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Nothing speeds up the demise of an A more than good ol quality time together ... and with your OW this is going to be like a pressure cooker.
At the moment you are the 'out' for W ... when W no longer has to 'sneak' around ... no fun, no rush .. and no reason to NOT be with OW, I can just feel the steel cage feeling close in on her. Her circus and her monkeys ... and yeah you are right .. when she does escape for her 'break' its Slumdog time and reality of "WTF have I done" sets in.
I have this image of a war scene from BraveHeart in my head ... the enemy forces are rapidly approaching on horse back, the ground troops await the stampeded ... little does anyone know they have long spears hidden but must wait till the last second and BraveHeart continues to shout the order "Hold"
Stay the course Dif, she needs this ... and better yet I feel you do to, listen to my advice and use this time to build yourself .... its golden.
I appreciate the encouragement, Cali. There's not much sneaking around, though. She doesn't hesitate to text in my presence, is very clear about "dinner plans" and "not coming home tonight." As my son put it to a friend rather angrily over a month ago, "She's doing this [censored] right in front of my mother, and I can't believe how disrespectful she is." I don't know how much of a rush she's getting from the illicit nature of this. Really, she considers our relationship dead, and just wants to have a new life with her "new partner." They long for something more normal and accepted. She would prefer, from what I can tell, to just replace the old relationship with the new one, and for the new one to come across as completely respectable - a choice made in order to make herself happy, and what's wrong with that?
All that being said, I do agree enough seeds have been planted this week for her to begin to question whether in the long run this new relationship is really what she wants. In the meantime, it's Friday night... which means she's out having a fabulous dinner downtown and I'm home drinking wine alone. At least I'm not eating leftovers or doing laundry.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Not tonight, Matt. I think she's mostly been doing her laundry at the OW's house.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
