Yeah Cali, I know. We brought the not so sporty car to the carwash just now, and while we waited went to our favorite European coffee shop across the street. Tried very hard not to mess with the planted seeds and stick to neutral topics, but she kept bringing things up. Plenty of them had to do with how we weren't a good couple and she's not coming back to me. But other things she said:
"So, what is this thing you know about OW that I don't know?" (I waved it off.)
"I have no idea if things will last with OW, I'm just having a good time." I nodded.
"We had a great relationship. I know you love me." I nodded.
Plus, she acknowledged that she can't accurately assess our relationship while in the middle of this torrid affair, and she hinted at certain creeping issues in her relationship with the OW, nothing specific. Interesting that she shared that.
Only argument we had was in the car on the way back over a FedEx notice for a package that one of us needs to go pick up - it was stupid and we even started laughing about it. She said, "I will be home tonight, but I'll be late. I miss my bed."
And on her way out the door she said, "I love you."
Makes my head spin... which is why as painful as separating is, I know we need to do it. She can't see anything clearly, and I'm starting to doubt my own sanity at times. These small glimpses of hope are certainly tempered by her insistence that we are DONE. Only the folks on this board don't think I'm crazy for continuing to love her.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Wow Difrent, that is just the kind of talk that could drive an LBS crazy. I truly believe that this is where the believe nothing they say and 50% of what they do truly comes into it's own.
Some of what she says resonates and is similar to things my H has said. There is a real sense of no guilt from her just now. And a sense of entitlement - to having a good time with OW - and knowing you love her. Perhaps she needs to come to doubt your love for her. Feel she is losing you. This coupled with the probable demise of R with OW - and what happens next is anyone's game.
I'm not surprised you doubt your own sanity at times. These are pretty insane times, and this is where detachment helps for sure. If you are able to 'observe' exchanges like that almost as a third party, and with a logical DB mind - perfect. That is a good alternative to feeling your sanity being swept away.
Know this dif - IMHO she has little good to offer you just now. I don't think you are crazy to still love her. But recognise where she is and have your boundaries firmly drawn around you. Things may well change in time of course. From what you post, her current state of mind and situation don't sound sustainable in the longer term.
Hang on in there!!
Last edited by Toots; 07/08/1507:49 PM.
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
"So, what is this thing you know about OW that I don't know?" (I waved it off.)
"I have no idea if things will last with OW, I'm just having a good time." I nodded.
"We had a great relationship. I know you love me." I nodded.
All seeds of doubt she is starting to process. #2 I got from W .... recieved a "He's not you" early on before I was ever here Jan14.
Dif all 3 of these things are good, and yeah, as painful as it is ... even in my sitch the separation was required, required for my W to realize it was not solely me as the reason for her unhappiness, given time she was even more miserable with OM. She would never miss me if we did not split. My Separation is most likely going to be at the 2 year mark, something I questioned early on and one vet told me that at 2 years it would most likely be over .... well I am still here in the ring.
Do not look at the Sep as defeat Dif, it has to happen to speed things up with the A, it will begin to eliminate some of the drug induced feelings, the sneaking around and hiding things will be gone.
Like My W, yours checks in with you, shares things still ... keep that line open, just set your boundaries on things you need to. She knows you still love her, at this point feels she can do the A without any price to pay ... I have a hunch after separation when its easier for you to detach more, she will question if she is losing you ... then movement happens.
Originally Posted By: DifRent
Plus, she acknowledged that she can't accurately assess our relationship while in the middle of this torrid affair, and she hinted at certain creeping issues in her relationship with the OW, nothing specific. Interesting that she shared that.
Only argument we had was in the car on the way back over a FedEx notice for a package that one of us needs to go pick up - it was stupid and we even started laughing about it. She said, "I will be home tonight, but I'll be late. I miss my bed."
And on her way out the door she said, "I love you."
Makes my head spin... which is why as painful as separating is, I know we need to do it. She can't see anything clearly, and I'm starting to doubt my own sanity at times. These small glimpses of hope are certainly tempered by her insistence that we are DONE. Only the folks on this board don't think I'm crazy for continuing to love her.
All this ... still good things right? Take them for what they are, again ... resort to the 50% rule.
I chuckle at the "people on this board comment" (And totally agree with you) W was telling me a story about a friend of hers, cheated on her H and after they split H dropped rope and moved on, and she was critical of how the guy was dating a younger woman and left this 'poor girl', I STFU and asked "Did you expect him to be ok with the A and just wait around?" She started to answer and realized ... 'oh .. ummmm' I just smiled like Sylvester who at Tweety bird
You know, I did say to her at the coffee shop, "I've always known you to be rational, logical, and practical. Yet you're making every decision right now based on emotion. This just isn't like you."
I could tell she really heard that, and she nodded. She confessed she was scared about the business, scared of the future... that's why she's buying the "house in the hood" and mitigating her expenses. This is the woman who has spent years working around the world making six figures, and if my real W would pull back and look at things with some perspective, I think she'd be horrified at herself.
In fact, just days after the bomb drop, she kept saying this was all a nightmare and she was already horrified. She's moved on from those feelings, or is minimizing them now. But she did have them and probably still does, somewhere in there.
I just let her talk those things through. And mindful that she is operating purely from emotion, I need to work even harder to operate from a place of observation and detachment - for both of us.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
If I were you, I'd pull back and drink the strawberry-flavored STFU Smoothie. For real.
Once W is in the sketchy 'hood, things will slowly start to unravel for her and I predict that the OW will become super B!TCHY toward her. From what you've posted in ALL of your threads about the OW and her comments, it sounds like a very demanding woman with a very high-pitched voice.
Ekkk! I would tire of her very quickly...but I am not in MLC or a WAW. Heck, I wouldn't even shoot the breeze with her at Dollywood!!!
I'm doing my best with the STFU smoothie. Thanks for the reminder. Really going to redouble my efforts as of now. It's just so hard when I see glimpses of my real W.
Control issues... we all have them... and I know they have no place when we are DBing...
I am glad, though, to have today gotten some kind of hint that things are not all that rosy in "paradise." Had I only been drinking that smoothie, I would have no idea. It's something to hold onto, however tenuous.
(Btw... my W keeps saying, "Stop telling people my new place is in the hood. It's not the hood. You're just telling them that so they'll think I'm crazy." Well, all I have to do is show them photos...)
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
I'm sorry that things aren't going better. Hang tough, you are really trying, I can see that.
If the STFU smoothie runs out make sure you have plenty of duct tape around.
My prayers are always with you!
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
Thanks, Bob! I think of you every day, and pray for you every time I do.
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Aww, you're welcome, DifRent, you just made my evening!
*hugs*
Bob
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
She never came home last night, but sent an email this morning apologizing for that, saying she didn't want to drive in the storms. Seemed odd to me that she apologized... I'm the one who keeps asking why she bothers coming home.
I wrote back and asked her to pick up a few groceries for when she did come home today, and she was quick to oblige. I invited the boys over for dinner tonight and asked my older son to cook his specialty, eggplant, assuming of course that the W wouldn't be here. But as she brought the groceries in, she said, "So, are we having the boys over for dinner tonight?"
I'm thinking she is going to be here all day, and maybe all night? This hasn't happened in a long time. But if she's been missing her bed, and missing being here to any extent, then I need to do my best to be pleasant and remind her that THIS is her home... even as she and the OW are steadily wrecking it...
Me: 46 Her: 41 M: 5.5 yrs / S: 20, 18 3/26 W and I meet OW BD: 5/2/2015, she takes off ring W goes to stay with OW 6/26 NC: 9/5 Both moved out: 10/16 I take off my ring and feel... healed: 10/19
Heck, I wouldn't even shoot the breeze with her at Dollywood!!!
