We are still alive and moving, don't we. After almost a year and life is moving forward, we are finding our way to this new life.
And again I agree with Toots, H is in his whole world of self pity and still does not see anything.
It's still about him. I doubt at first about the whole MLC stuff, but the way H is talking lately, it made me believe he is going through some bad stuff.
The depression is obvious and he is deep into it. I really wish he hits rock bottom. Maybe it will be the only way for the crazy head to get some professional help.
Even if he does not come back, he is still the father of my kids, and I wish I can see him strong again, believing in himself. A person in one piece.
Thanks Toots, for all your kind words and the call for reality along with lines of hope.
I wish I could understand what goes in H's head, I know well I need to detach and be "the fly on the wall", but sometimes it just bothers me to think that he comes and says all these stuff, always talking about our M, R and yet he is letting this D happen.
Well, it's not what I should be thinking or wasting my time with. So, that's what I am going to do, think about the nice dress I want to buy this weekend, so I can shine on 7/9 when meeting H for mediation.
Sometimes, I can picture us being some power puff girls.
So it's time for Mediation... and I confess that I am trying to be strong, but find myself very down these days.
I even wonder why after so long time of separation, I feel so miserable and upset. There are time I even want this to be all resolved and done.
These are times where I find myself confronting all my demons, my wounds, fears. I have a lot of work to do yet until becoming a better person. I need to face rejection, betrayal, inferiority... these are all alive and eating me inside.
I will try my best to maintain my cool and do not fall apart in a million pieces, but I can't deny that it is the way I feel right now.
The only thing that makes me feel better is to think that the D is around the corner and there will be some closure to this whole nightmare.
H is still the same, last weekend asking for some social security numbers, info about our marriage, then had problems with his bank card and did not call the bank, called his secretary, text about his time with his dad, and so on.
I still don't get why to get me involved in his life, it is very mean and does not have any purpose. I get that I will never understand the "Whys" of what he is doing all this. I am very dark and going darker. The closer we get to our big D day, the more I want to be far away from him.
It is time, I am getting ready to cut him off my life once for all and for my own good. Maybe I should see all this in a different way, but detaching for me means really no contact and that is what is my goal.
I feel overwhelmed, tired, hopeless... never tough that this would be so painful as it is. The worse is that I don't even know if I love my H or not anymore. It is all so mixed up in my head and heart. It's love and hate all together.
So my friends, Thursday morning at 9am I will be in a mediation meeting and then the next step is probably to just meet the judge for the final decision and sign the D.
Hello Sweetie, I'm sorry you are finding things so tough just now. It's not easy having a mediation meeting just around the corner. But I think the main thing is to get through it and be the person you want to be. Zues posted about his mediation session recently if it would help to read about someone who just went through that...
I think you are showing a lot of courage Pink. You are finding things hard, but you are still facing them and getting through things. We all know that there isn't any other way than through - but, boy it's hard sometimes.
As for the D, I can understand your comment about closure. Maybe it will help you. There will be some grief too I imagine, but you will work through that too as you have worked through everything else. Cali posted on my thread that sometimes sitches just have to go all the way through to D before a S will start to wake up and face what they have done to their lives.
It sounds as though we are in a similar place in that I'm also not sure that I would actually want to be with H again. But I guess that's a moot point right now!! So, it isn't an easy week for you - but there have been worse weeks already and you will get through this one. Take it steady, take care of yourself and keep posting to let us know how things go. I will be thinking of you on Thursday my friend.
Love and best wishes, Toots xxx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
It has been a tough week for sure. There are so much that come to my mind. The time it all started, how things unfolded from there, the moment you had the kids, those times when we argue, those when we laughed together.
It's all a big mix. It's all so hopeless. I wish I could have some hope and keep the family together, but there is a lot of crying what translate only in self pity.
There is no sign H wants to come back, wants to keep this family together. I must detach and let it go. It's time to walk my own path. I just hope to feel better want it is all done, because right now, as much as I want to see things brighter, I can't.
I am thankful though I found this site and learned more in this last few months then I ever learned in my life time. I changed and I am changing, I can feel it and my friends are telling me that too.
H probably do not see it, he is too busy being a victim, feeling sorry for himself. This is not the man I married.
Haven't been doing much. Just work, all the stuff for the Mediation, the kids and just keeping life moving, is keeping me very busy right now. Never tough something would shut me down so severely, but it has, this one event is very heavy.
I am still planning to be at happy hr/Brazilian Band on Friday. Not sure if it is breaking forum rules or not, but I don't see the harm. Come out and have some fun. Sounds like you need it this week. I am will be there with a group, so you can meet some others too.
BW
Last edited by BW05; 07/08/1503:13 PM.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Sorry things are getting to you at the moment. Its understandable.
Some people are just able to move on and that seems great for them (Someone i know, his W left at christmas for OM, that's now over but he has a new GF and he and his W still go to the pub together all the time - I have no clue how they do that). For others there is too much loss for it to be so easy but that shows how much love was and still is there.
you seem like someone who is full of love for your family, for your H and for life in general and that is a really, really good thing even if it feels properly rubbish right now.
Your H is in a hole, and he may still be sinking deeper into it. At the moment he is not trying to climb out which means anyone who tries to pull him out is as likely to get pulled in. instead you've either got to walk away or build a good life next to (but not at the edge of) the hole. when/if he eventually climbs out he will either see you have gone or see the life you've built but either way things will be good for Pink and her boys.
Go Dance, you'll have fun and almost nothing does more to lift mood than fun.
have a good evening
Both mid 30s, 2 young kids BD 7sep14 XW moved on long ago, now living with OM1 D paperwork in progress
I just wanted to stop by and say that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I have not forgotten about you! I truly hope this roller coaster ride ends for you soon. I think you are a very strong woman.
Please keep a PMA and keep moving forward. We all care about you so much and have your back. God's blessings to you.
Your friend,
Bob xoxo
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
