The going gets tough! (Smothy 7)

[Smothy]

Hi Py, I haven't spoken to my family yet. Part of me doesn't as I don't want to deal with that at the moment. I know my family will blame me as they have told H numerous times during our M why does H put up with my Behaviour. My mum has seen my H as the perfect H.

I do have a good support system in the UK from the handful of people who knows, also my friends abroad keeps me on track.

I have downloaded NMMNG and actually read this. I can see a lot of both our dis functional behaviour in this.

I really want to broach the subject of telling DS with H as he should know ASAP but don't know how to do this. My friends are saying we are being selfish by not telling him. The advice I receive here and with my DB coach is to leave well alone for the time being.

MIL has asked me if I still intend to go abroad for work which I find quite strange. H called her and handed me the phone over to talk. We chit chatted for about 40 mins in which she says she wants me to go and see her before I leave.

So many things swirling in my head. I am finding it hard to focus. I am back to going to bed thinking about my M and waking up thinking about M.

Sorry, just having a harder time than I anticipated.

[Pyrite]

Hi Py, I haven't spoken to my family yet. Part of me doesn't as I don't want to deal with that at the moment. I know my family will blame me as they have told H numerous times during our M why does H put up with my Behaviour. My mum has seen my H as the perfect H.

your call of course but this is all dragging out for you Smothy and it ain't doing you no good. Blood is thicker than water. You are sure they will blame you - so how will that be different in a month when you are OS? maybe it won't, maybe it never will. maybe you are just sparing yourself this extra grief. what is your mum gonna say? what is your response - "Mum- i am trying everything." Point is he is the one that has called it quits - you are trying - even still!!! It wasn't ONLY about your A, OM, sanctioned crap. Nobody forced him to have this A. Nobody forced him to have earlier EA. Things must've been "wrong" before that.

STOP BLAMING YOURSELF!!!

I know it is commonplace 2*4 approach to wake you up to what you have done as the LBS, to point out what YOU have done wrong, but I really don't think that applies here. You are hurting yourself now. That is not healthy for you. You were here a while back and I don't want to see you there again.

SPIN around Smoth. Look at what you have. You are alive. You are in a 1st world country. You are not starving. you are drinking wine and enjoying fires. you have many friends. you have a son. you choose where you are going to work, and even then you go international.

Look at the clouds. Watch. Watch them blow.Watch them change shape. Do they blow and stop or always move. Focus on now. NOW. NOW. NOW. Give yourself permission for 5 minutes every hour to focus on YOU and NOW. you can waste the other 55 minutes if you like. Worrying about the future, regretting the past.

I do have a good support system in the UK from the handful of people who knows, also my friends abroad keeps me on track.

I have downloaded NMMNG and actually read this. I can see a lot of both our dis functional behaviour in this.

I really want to broach the subject of telling DS with H as he should know ASAP but don't know how to do this. My friends are saying we are being selfish by not telling him. The advice I receive here and with my DB coach is to leave well alone for the time being.

MIL has asked me if I still intend to go abroad for work which I find quite strange. H called her and handed me the phone over to talk. We chit chatted for about 40 mins in which she says she wants me to go and see her before I leave.

So many things swirling in my head. I am finding it hard to focus. I am back to going to bed thinking about my M and waking up thinking about M.

Sorry, just having a harder time than I anticipated.

Tell your son. For Gods sake. Hiding the truth is equivalent to not telling the truth. Tell your H that this is not right. I get the impression that you are conspiring with his non-confrontational ways. Enjoy the summer - what a load of crap. in the winter guaranteed he will remember the summer that his parents carried out the perfect lie over the summer, not what a great summer he had.

sorry to be yelling Smothy. And this is very much just a rant - so dont necessarily act on this. It is just hard to see you going through this - again! I dont really know you - but I do know enough to see that you are blaming yourself and feeling sorry for yourself. I have certainly been there and I do not blame you one little bit. I just want, desperately (hence my frustration) to help you out of it.

[Wonka]

Smothy,

Since your H hasn't brought up D word, I wouldn't push it on your son. If your son asks, just simply say that "we're having a rough patch right now and are trying to work through it. This is between Dad and me. I don't want you to feel responsible for this at all. Absolutely not. Married people all over the world face challenges and we are no different here. We love you very much."

That's the truth.

A lot of the times WASes move full steam on D talk, but then just can't bring themselves around to it as time goes on. This is why often we counsel newbies not to have R or D talk because in the early stages emotions run VERY high.

You are feeling anxious because you want some "clearly defined" outcome. I can understand that you feel anxious and want some movement. The movement you want is to re-connect the friendship with your H not on the D track. Right?

Get back on the DB horse and gallop straight ahead.

[Pyrite]

Huh? Wonka, you do know that the D is all but finalised? I am not familiar with UK D, and decree nisi Smoth described, but my understanding is that it is just a matter of a few weeks before it is a done deal.

[Wonka]

Py,

Ye of little faith...

I've been around the boards for many years and I've literally witnesses many DBers reporting that their WASes have called off D at the very 11th hour.

What's more...Smothy's H is ambivalent about D. Time will tell how this plays out.

[Pyrite]

Wonka,

you're absolutely right. little faith. I am still praying for the 11th hour miracle myself.

Time will tell, in all our cases, but for Smothy _ i think there is limited time until D is finalised. Not that I think this is the end.

Maybe it is just the Mr. Fixer in me, but I am worried for Smothy that she is pinning all of her hopes on this, blaming herself etc. I have spent many hours talking with our dear Smothy and I am concerned about her being unduly hurt.

Thats all.

Thanks for your input Wonka. I wish I had a magic wand to wave.

[Pyrite]

BTW Smothy - that NMMNG book - I definitely DON'T think it is the best thing that i've ever read. Just worth considering some things. It sounds like maybe you had two NGs in your M. I think I may have as well.

I thought it might be interesting for you to consider that you were not the control freak you sometimes make out that you must've been. I just dont see this in you, never have.

Take care of yourself please. first and foremost. have a nice day. 3 AM here, again! DOH!

[Bob723]

Hi Smothy,

I just wanted to stop by, say 'Hello!' and inform you that you are in my thoughts and prayers quite often.

Please keep a PMA, don’t give up and keep working on yourself. I know things don't look good now, but we don't know what tomorrow will bring.

Your friend,

Bob

[Smothy]

Feel like I have been punched in the gut after last night revelations.

Evening started well enough cooking dinner for us all. H asked how am I, etc. gave him vague answers to his questions. Joked around dinner table, chatted general good vibe. DS leaves and we carry on drinking wine and chatting. H asks me again how I am, I say good. How is he? H chats a bit more and this is where it spirals.

I decided to take this opportunity to tell him how sorry I am things have turned out this way, recognise his pain and appreciated what he had done for DS and I. I also told him I have always loved him and want him. I tried to explain about how my fears and beliefs from my upbringing has contributed to how I behaved and I can see the impact I had re control and anger and I would do things differently now. H then turns and says he doesn't believe that as we are all decent human beings with childhood issues and I have been a sh&t to him. He then explains he doesn't use his childhood to justify his behaviour.

H proceeds to tell me he is ok where he is now, he spent a long time in a dark place and he has friends that supported him through this. He tells me he still finds me attractive and I will find someone else like he will. He tells me he has had offers and have been out with others for drinks/ dinners as he does get lonely. He misses the physical side of things and if that represents itself he will go ahead. I joked that we should as he find me attractive and I still want him and accept it as it is, just sex.

H tells me him and OW are just friends and that was whom he spent the day with. Prior to this we talked about just letting each other know what we are doing on the days DS is home for dinner.

He then ask me who did I go to the concert with. I told him who the friend was, H ask me if we stayed in separate hotel rooms, I explained is the twin room we originally booked for H and I. (H knows about my friendship with this person during our M). H ask me if we slept together I said no. I said it was a similar situation where he went to London (7th March) and had twin rooms. I asked him who did he go to London with, he tells me and says they slept together. I reiterated that I didn't with friend.

I said that was before he filed and we are still married then. He just gave me a look and said I have no claim to say anything about that. I then just had to leave the table. Went out for several cigarettes and thanked H for being open and honest and he just retorted 'I doubt it!'

This is what I can remember. Feeling hurt and angry, but also strangely calm and not as devastated as I would of been in the last month or so.

What now? I feel like bringing this to a close before I go OS.

[Pyrite]

Smooth this is [censored]. I am not surprised at all that it hurts. But you know what- it doesn't change your game plan. You have the apprehend here. You see through both of your faults and a way to move forward. What exactly are you most worried about? That this won't turn around? And if it doesn't - what scares you most about that? Can you not see a life for you ahead, no matter what the outcome. What are you thinking about YOUR future?

PMA - Smoth. Positive yeah. keep your chin up - you have persevered through all of this which is worse than my sitch and you are STILL here. You are strong. You are in control. H is reeling in emotional pitfalls. You see them coming. You are ahead of this game Smoth. Whatever happens - you are the winer. "I never lose. I either win or I learn". That is you Smoth. Breathe, be strong.\

-Py