Hi Wonka and pbetra and everyone, I've been very busy lately. I work in the town in TX where 12 people were killed by the floods over the holiday weekend. I am in the insurance business now so I have been on the front lines trying to help so many people who lost everything, including a man who lived but his wife and 2 young kids were washed away. I was there when they found the 6 year old boys body. His wife was on the phone with her father in law when the house was washed off it's foundation and was sent down the river. It broke apart when it hit the bridge I cross every day for work. They haven't found his 4 year old sister yet. Another body was found just a few miles from my home...11 miles from where they went in the river.
To see so many lose so much, to see what REAL problems, REAL misery is all about just makes me see the MLCers as just so very, very weak. To listen to a man who just got out of the hospital say that he must go on because God has a plan and a reason for evey bad thing that happens. To see him the day he got out come and help others affected by the storm, help them rebuild and clean up. He didn't moan and blame and lash out and hurt the remaining people who love him. If anyone has a reason to just give up, to act out, to only care about himself and be angry and self centered he does. I'm sure he is hurting greatly inside,wants to know why this had to happen but he doesn't take that pain out on those around him. That's strength.
I found out today that next Tuesday the 9th is the day my M ends for good. My W has been moving faster and faster and being more and more awful since the day she lashed out and told me that my home is "unsafe" for our D15. She must know inside that D15 wouldn't be in the pain she's in, wouldn't be hurting herself or thinking of ways to end her life if she hadn't acted the way she has. But just like she has always done she won't face up to it and wants to find someone or something else to blame and I am the convenient target. Up until now she has been good about being flexable with D15 and where she stays and when but not anymore. She feels like she can say what days are "hers" and what are "mine" and my letting D15 stay at her mom's during the school week is back-firing because of it.
I won't be going to the hearing. Let her stand in front of the judge alone and say that she "tried" to save her M and family. That there is nothing that can be done to save it, knowing she refused to try. Knowing what it's done to her family, her D's, herself. Let her make her father proud that his little girl has become just like him. She isn't going to gain a damn thing and has made the people she claims to love and care about pay for her search for her "joy". Let her live the rest of her life knowing her D is scared inside and out for the rest of her life because of her weakness. That she has delayed her D19 from getting started on her own life's journey, has made it so much harder than it should have been. All so she can relive her childhood but this time her daddy loves her and wants her to be part of his life (at least that's what she thinks).
I realize that this post is too much about my ex. It's just that it's the end, the final act of my XW's Bomb drop. Every time i saw glimpses of her maybe coming around just a little, she would go see her father and she would get all worked up into a lather once again. Once he is gone, she will be alone. Even her mom's side of her family are shocked by her actions...people who, unlike her father, have ben there for her, loved her and cared for her her whole life. What will she do then? Will her new "friends" (who don't care anywhere near as much about her as she thinks) give her the comfort and love everyone really wants? I very much doubt it. How about the pain she is causing in her D15. Will she wake up one day and realize how much she has hurt and set her on a dangerous path? Will she realize that she pushed away the one person who has stood behind her, who loved her through all her depressions, her problems, her acting out? Will it matter when it happens? All I know is she has made my life and the lives of my D's that much harder. So much harder than it should have been.
As of Tuesday I am done. No need to worry about "detaching", I now know my ex has decided to be my enemy. She needs me to be someone I'm not and have never been, someone evil. She has made plans several times to come to what used to be "our" home and each and every time at the last min. she refused, had some "reason" that she couldn't come. And right after, she acted angry and mean. I think she is afraid to come here. To where we lived and raised our children together. She doesn't want to see anything but what she has built in her mind. A "bad" place.
Summer is coming. Time to spend with my D's and hopefully my family that is so far away. The only tie remaining with my ex is the IRS problems and she allowed her father, the day before he went into surgery, talk her into working not with me but against me in this. So be it. She won't win. In fact she would have done much better working together with me and bringing it to an end that was as good as can be for us both. Instead she is trying to lay it at my feet by thinking the lies she has made up in her own mind about me will be believed by others. She probably thinks she is right, you know how the MLCers start to believe the bad things they think about us. Problem is it won't matter in the end. I plan on making my own deal and if she wants to try and get out of it by blaming me she may just find herself being responsible for the entire amount. I don't want that to happen, I don't think that would be "fair" but it was her decision and I will honor it.
The real world is now coming hard and fast at my ex. She will still try and blame me for her unhappiness for some time I'm sure. But sooner or later she will have to face that until she learns to deal with her emotions, she will never find that joy she seeks. As for me, I will grieve for my lost 22 year M and then move on. It bothers my D15 that I don't seem to believe in "love" anymore. I asked what made her think that and she said that the way I react to "love" songs on the radio, how I no longer enjoy listening to that kind of music tells her this. I need to show her that I still do believe in love. The love I have for her and her sister and yes, maybe some day a special someone. At least I now know I need to be more careful around her. We are broadcasting our feelings all the time without realizing it. Time to change those feelings and stop giving my ex any power at all over me.
That's what it comes down to really. To stop giving her (or anyone) the power to control anything about my life. It's up to me to make the best of what I have and to make a better life for myself and my family without my ex.That's my plan. I've been moving in that direction for sometime but now I need to go faster, to find what I want and make it happen. I will make it happen!
Sorry to hear you are in the middle of all the flooding in Texas. I am familiar with some of the areas as I spent time working on a project in Yancey which is next to Devine.
Matt, the hearing will just be a formality unless you put up a fight. Are you contesting it? If not then the judge will ask a series of questions which you agree to, sign the papers and it is over. About fifteen minutes in length. If you are contesting it, then it is much much more.
I hope for you that you have an agreement and it will be done.
I went through mine in January. My ex rushed and pushed as hard as she could. She got what she wanted. Guess what, 3 months later and she has figured out it did not get her what she wanted. It has not turned out how she thought it would. It can be amazing how quickly reality sets in and they find out they blew it and picked the wrong path.
I hope you can just let things take the curse they are going to and find some peace for you and your daughters. Things are going to keep changing. I expect one day like me that you will probably get a call from her out of the blue and then you will start talking again. How you handle that will be entirely up to you at that point. Until then don't think about it. Just think about you and your girls.
Keep coming here as there are great people to discuss things and work through things.
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Keep the focus on YOU and your DD's. You must take care of yourself in order to be there for your DD's.
Get ready for the next chapter in your life.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
I was wondering what was up re you too! Glad to hear that you are safe (flood) ... & busy getting on! (I have also been busy)
hope that everything goes well for you re the hearing, esp. after all this time. I look forward to catching up with that later on. take care, p
pbetra ---- M: 15 yrs (in 2014) BD: 6/03/2014 Infidelity ('known' from July 2014) Denied PA Feb 2015 2 leave Mar 2015 (left early Summer). Some contact. Back briefly 2017 (after family death) Separated 2017
My W has been moving faster and faster and being more and more awful since the day she lashed out and told me that my home is "unsafe" for our D15.
Huh. What did you expect her to say?? The truth? Ha. That's not really the point here, is it my friend?
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It's just that it's the end, the final act of my XW's Bomb drop.
Hmm... I disagree. There's more amigo.
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As of Tuesday I am done. No need to worry about "detaching", I now know my ex has decided to be my enemy. She needs me to be someone I'm not and have never been, someone evil. She has made plans several times to come to what used to be "our" home and each and every time at the last min. she refused, had some "reason" that she couldn't come. And right after, she acted angry and mean. I think she is afraid to come here. To where we lived and raised our children together. She doesn't want to see anything but what she has built in her mind. A "bad" place.
Hmm.. perhaps you are done, Matt. While you wait to see for sure, remember that every story needs a villain and it can't possibly be your ex in her mind. But I suspect there will be more "garbage" in the future that she throws your way. Seems the type.
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But sooner or later she will have to face that until she learns to deal with her emotions, she will never find that joy she seeks.
Says who? My guess is that no she won't. Mine hasn't in 8 years, Matt. Not that it hasn't weighed on her. Not that the clues weren't there for her. She just adamantly refuses to see things differently. I suppose in some ways, so do I....
The pain, attachment, grief... they don't end until you say they do, Matt. Trust me on that one. One day you'll look back and wonder why you felt the need to prolong the grief. Until then, be well and let things take their course as LT suggested.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Thanks for stopping by LT, 2B, pbetra and AJ. Well, the hearing day came and my lawyer told me that there was no reason for me to go. Everything was signed and ready and since she was the one who filed, she was the only one who had to show. So, Tuesday morning while I'm trying to work I get "emergency" calls and texts from the EX. She tells me that the court "needs" the address of the payroll service that my company uses so they can take the cost of half of D15's health insurance and school lunch money out of my check. That was NEVER part of the agreement and now she was saying that it is what "must" be done by law. She was all upset because the D can't be final until I give her the info and she needs it NOW. I call my lawyers office and he wasn't in and no one there knew what to do. My boss uses a service and I have no idea what is needed and to find out while she and the court waits was just plain stupid.
If it was spelled out in the agreement then I would have done the work to give her the info. I have a job to do and I couldn't drop everything to just work on that. I spoke to my boss and he said they have to send him paperwork that he will fill out and send to the court and the payroll service. I sent her the address of the office I work for and never heard back after that. I suppose it must have worked or I would have heard more. It just shows how bad my lawyer has been through this as he should have warned me about this. So, my half of my D15's insurance....just her....is $309/mo! That's $618 a month for ONE girl who never goes to the Dr except for school physicals! AND the plan my EX picked has a $5,000 ded. that MUST be met before they pay for ANYTHING. No scripts, no Dr appts., not until the $5,000 is met. It's the worse plan she could have picked and not much cheaper than the lower ded. plan but she wouldn't listen to me when she picked. I'm now able to get insurance on the open market and I'll bet I can find a better plan cheaper than that for both D15 and myself. Whether my EX lets me put her on a plan with me is another story. I really don't believe that just D15 is that much a month.
Since Tuesday D15 got her wisdom teeth out Friday. My ex sent a video of her right after where she was all loopy and she was saying how she wants to be a Mermaid and upset because there's not enough water in TX. It was so funny! I'm glad my ex was nice enough to send it to me.
Last night I got a call from D19 (she'll be 20 next Sunday!) saying her boyfriend pulled another one of his crazy stunts. They were supposed to move to a new apartment today and her cousin was visting from out of state to help pack. Well he got angry because she couldn't get on a flight she was on stand-by for and he had to go pick her up (a 20 min. drive). Then when they got back he refused to help pack and when they asked him to take something down they couldn't reach, he got pissy and ripped it off the wall, broke the shades on the window and spilled sodas that were on the table all over and he refused to help clean up. When D19 got on him to help he grabed his keys and drove off saying he "feared for his safety". He is 6'4" 300#'s and my D is 5'0" tall! He just left her there without everything packed and texted he didn't want to live with her anymore. He called his mother who pays his rent and gives him money because he's supposed to be going to school and she came down from 300 miles away this morning and told my D that she can't live with him anymore!
Now she has to quit her job, lose her pet and come live with me without any means to get to a job because she doesn't have a car and I can't afford to help her and her mom, who can, won't. She won't live with her mom as they don't get along since before she left. She is better off without this guy but I really feel for her and wish there was more I could do. The story behind all their problems is long but let's just say this 22 year old is acting just like an MLCer! He hasn't been going to school, doesn't work, drinks too much and has been on ADHD and depression meds his whole life which he stops taking every few months and freaks out. It's just that the timing with all that is going on in my D19's life with the D, her sisters problems, her mothers acting out....she doesn't need this in her life right now. They have been together 3 years and lived together for a year (since the week after her mom left). He expects that she will still be his "girlfriend" after pulling this! He needs real help and without D19 there he's going to implode. She is the only person who has kept him from totally self destructing.
D15 is doing OK. I worry about the fact that she is going to have too much down time this summer as she doesn't have anything lined up and with moving back and forth between homes, it's just really hard. Maybe with her sister around she will feel better as that's been one of the things she has said she misses, having her older sister to spend time with and just be with her. I'm going to try my best to find a way to help D19 get a car. I will speak with my parents and her grandmother and see if they may be willing to loan her some money towards an older model vehicle. Her mom has already said she won't help unless D19 lives with her and D19 refuses to ask my FIL for anything as she knows what a evil bastard he is.
On top of all this I'm still trying to get my work life in order and try and find time to get all the IRS stuff done. I also must find time (and money) to go out and get back to living my life. Having my D19 at home will help with that as she can help with my dog and I can go out after work without worrying that I have to go home first to let him out.
Since my W left there has been so much flux, so much change. New job, problems with both my D's, things going wrong with the car and the house, at work....I just can't get in a rhythm with my life. I really must find some new rhythm, some "normalcy" so I can just get things on an even keel. For now I have to find a way to help my D19. Her entire life has just been turned upside down by an idiot who is unable to function, who is in crisis and man, I know how that [censored]!
Twisting on Life's Rope Me53 W53 M20 D21 D19 D16 BD 2-2013 D final 1-2015 _________________________ "Dream about tomorrow, Live for today, Learn from yesterday"
Hi a Everyone, Just wanted to stop by and let everyone know I'm still around. I'm officially divorced, my D (20 as of last week) is living with me and things are about the same. My D15 is now wanting to spend less time with me because she gets to see her friends when at her moms along with the fact that with her mom gone most of the time she can do whatever she wants. My ex is still unable to feel empathy even towards D20's troubles. Poor girl can't even talk to her mom about how hurt she feels about breaking up with her boyfriend of 3 years.
As for me I'm having trouble finding time for anything but work and trying to help my D20 get settled and getting her a drivers license. The truth is I'm feeling more depressed now than at any point in my sitch. I just can't find the energy I used to. I'm hoping once I get D20 settled in, I'll start feeling better.
I have to get to bed now but will try to stop back soon. Hope everyone is doing well!
(I have also been busy)