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asitis Offline OP
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So, got back from my colonoscopy. W took me & picked me up. She acted just like she was actually my W. Conversation was light and we joked about the procedures like colonoscopies and mammagrams that we are now having to go through.

She brought her laptop over. I told her she would have to do the fixing, but that I would walk her through where I would look so that she can learn rather than me hunting for the answers and doing it for her. She appreciated that, and I explained my rationale for what I was having her do, explaining that yes, I have to run into dead ends at least a few times as I hunt to figure out the exact problem, and then again as I hunt to figure out possible solutions, and that it is a lot of trial and error. Praised her when she accomplished something, and sympathized when something didn't work. We didn't fix it before I had to go in for my procedure, but I left her with some suggestions for her to keep working on it and a stop gap to allow her to keep getting what she wanted done.

After bringing me home, I thanked her again and said I appreciated that we still were able to do this kind of thing for each other and how unusual that was and what it says about us.

Left on a positive note. So good day, other than the side effects of anaesthesia and grumbling intestines.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
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Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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asitis Offline OP
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Need some advice.

S6 says that the two student friends of my wife stayed drinking after she put the boys to bed Friday. When we were talking, I politely inquired if she was making sure they weren't leaving here drunk to drive home. She says that she cuts them off, then makes them stay until they are OK to drive. I'll set aside having an impaired person judge how much two others have had, what the impact on them is, and when they are "OK" to drive.

One of the friends recently graduated, so I was sure he was 21. I asked is Pxxx 21? No, he is 20. Now, I really could care less about whether he drinks or not, but how irresponsible can she get? This is a student of hers. She already socializes with these two way more than is appropriate given the power differential and what others would think. But now she is serving one of them who is underage alcohol, and then he is driving home.

Even if he is below the legal limit, if he gets pulled over underage, they are going to want to know where he got the alcohol. Or worse, gets into an accident and someone is killed. Now, it becomes an issue for the uni (our employer). Technically, the only rules the uni has is about serving alcohol at uni-connected functions and for sexual relations between student & teacher, but I'm sure they'd throw her under the bus. They have done this sort of thing without due process and then let the faculty member take it to the courts.

This isn't just her MLC, as this was the kind of thing she was much looser on, and I would raise. She'd do an "oh, yeah, I hadn't thought of that." Neither of us has a moral objection to a 20 year old drinking, but it is the law and there are consequences.

When things were going well, I would just talk to her. But now, I'm the ball and chain keeping her down, killing her spirit, being controlling. If I raise an objection, I make the M sitch potentially worse. But, we depend on her income. She is well respected as a teacher, and yet all the good things she has done to earn that well-deserved reputation could get flushed down the toilet by this kind of irresponsibility.

I know that at one level it is not my business what she chooses to do. And, I definitely get triggered by watching her orient her social life in this dysfunctional way. And, I am jealous that she is not spending time with me. And, there are real consequences for the rest of our family if something happens. I'm too enmeshed and personally involved to sort this one through clearly. My instinct is to take the risk for the prospects of our M and say nothing. I also hate being in the role of the responsible one. That is one of our dynamics that I really want to change. Yet, this doesn't seem like something to brush aside.

Advice?


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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That's a hard situation but in my opinion she is being very irresponsible.

It could ruin her professionally and someone could get hurt. I would say something.


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Hi asitis.

I agree 100% with Teach.

Bob


Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS)
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asitis Offline OP
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OK, so how to broach the topic in the least M harmful way?


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Honestly I'm not sure what you should do about that situation, but I am curious more about something else.

How long has she been so close to these two students? What do they all do, how do they interact? I know you said before there is no A there, why do you say that?


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asitis Offline OP
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There is obviously no way to be 100% sure.

It is fairly obvious that she is not attracted to them. The interactions are always in groups. It is a combination of having them in classes, working on a first generation students council, advising, and lunches at the student union. She never does anything out of public view with any one of them alone. She has shown no sign of coming close to crossing this border.

Most of her interactions are facebook silliness that anyone can see. It is just immature rather than flirtatious.

I have open access to her phone records, have seen her facebook chat recently (she left it open), and she I have seen her e-mails because she had me look for something she couldn't find. She is one of the worst at devious behavior, is too transparent, and trust me, I've been watching carefully.

All that said, even if she were to slip and have a one-night stand with one of them, there is nothing I can do about it, and what I am worried about it this irresponsible behavior.

Partly it is her being in charge of the kids and not being able to drive if there were an emergency. Part is that it sets a bad example for the boys, and the older one noticed it enough to mention it to me. Part is the jeopardy she is putting her job and our financial security in.

And, as I've mentioned, I also am of course hurt and jealous that she would rather spend time soaking in the adoration of people she is in a superior power relationship with, when sitting around talking about all our shared interests (we're both intellectuals with close interests and values) was what drew us together and was central to our love for each other. That makes it hard to disentangle the real concerns from the personal emotional involvement.

So, let's say she is having an affair. Nothing I can do about it. Not the issue right now. It jeopardizes her job, yes. But this other is more directly relevant to my children and much more likely to blow up in our face if the 20 year old gets pulled over or in an accident.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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Sorry As, I just don't see it being prudent. There's nothing positive about a teacher and her 20 year old students drinking together. Nothing. No one hearing about it, seeing it, or even catching it in passing is going to think that it's a smart professional or personal move.

They aren't 28 year old graduate students sharing a glass of wine with their professor - that happens and is part of life. This has a different feel to it and even if there's nothing happening in the sexual realm, these guys also aren't hanging out with her just to enhance their intellect. They're 20 year old guys. Who are drinking. They have something on their minds.

Beyond the legal ramifications I agree with you that it sets a bad example for your kids.
Truthfully my friend, I'm not sure how to broach it though. Hopefully one of the vets can come on here and help you out. That being said, it should be addressed in my opinion.

The real challenge is not to get your feelings involved in the conversation which will be nearly impossible. She's read the emotion behind it no matter how the message is delivered.

Sorry I can't be of more help on this one. Feel for you though, that's got to be hard to hear. Especially on colonoscopy day of all days.

PP


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I agree if it is an A there's nothing you can do about it. I'm not saying she is directly but something seems very off with their relationships. She should know better than to let them drink there much less the driving home and being underage. It could all just be a symptom of the MLC, she liking how they make her feel about herself rather than it being about them.

Again though, not sure how you address that. Hope a Vet can help soon.


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asitis Offline OP
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Thanks. That's what I'm struggling with. I hoped her just saying he was 20 (the other is 22) would set off alarms with her. No sign if it did.

I will also raise it with my IC. I just wish she would share with her colleague all about my W's unhealthy socialization with these students (to be fair there are a couple of female students in the group, but they tend not to be as available because of schedules). Just so her IC could say, so tell me about your social life lately? Not going to happen, but damn it would be nice.

Also, my niece was here and witnessed it, so she may say something in front of my SiL & BiL who are both college professors. Whether she knows the one is only 20, whether they connect the dots, I think they would say something to her, and they will all be together in a couple weeks for vacation.

I'll also raise this w/ my DB coach, but I'm not scheduled to talk to her for several weeks because I'll be out of town for 2 weeks starting Saturday.

My brother suggested I just make it about the kids and an agreement that there is a sober parent who can respond if there is an emergency, and that older son has commented on it and I don't think it is the kind of example we want to set. Sure, nothing wrong with adults having a drink together, and he doesn't know the ins and outs of drinking age and all. But she has 3 nights a week to socialize. I can tell her I leave it to her to make decisions about the risks she is willing to take professionally.

Obviously there is a financial liability, and I will be contacting my insurance company tomorrow to make sure that my umbrella liability covers the apartment.

I might have to let her crash and burn professionally. I obviously would protect her if I could, but I don't see how in this situation without it blowing up in my face and the M. It would really hurt financially (ironically, I'd end up taking over her classes because I am the only one qualified to teach what she does), but both of our families are in a position to help out. It is also a bit ironic that this kind of crisis would likely be a wake up and discover who was standing there supporting her. Don't wish for it in the least, but the thought has crossed my mind.

Maybe planting the seed regarding the in front of the kids would be enough to cause her to start thinking about the whole situation more responsibly. Maybe she'd get pissed off and complain to her IC, who would then see what was going on in her social life and be able to intervene.

If it keeps up, I might have to think about other ways of getting an intervention.

Oh, and the colonoscopy wasn't really a big deal. 4 litres of horrible liquid to drink, but otherwise just a light nap. I even woke up at the end and got to watch what they were seeing on the screen. No pain & sort of cool. So, it wasn't really a bad day to have something come up. If anything, today was the one day where my asking the one student's age seemingly innocently would not set her off defensively. She was in caregiver mode.

Keep any bright ideas coming. Thanks for the brainstorming so far.


Me: 50 W:43
S6, S3
M: 12 yrs. T: 17
M is bad & Not happy Bomb Mar '14
S 5 Feb '15
D Bomb 13 Apr '15 (but "no hurry")
DB Coach May '15
Wants proceed on D Aug '15
Starting 1-on-1 negotiations Sept '15
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