It's Been Two Months Today

[DifRent]

call a spade a spade if you're going to be out in the yard shoveling [censored] with it.

Love this! I enjoy your posts, PP. You're a good writer.

[DifRent]

Well, I didn't get enough advice from the vets before I saw her today, so I didn't send an email.

We sat down on the porch and talked instead, no fighting. I said she needed to stop saying "we broke up" and acknowledge this is a separation/divorce initiated solely by her. She agreed. I told her she was incredibly selfish to get a place lined up for herself without talking to me so we could both determine what we were each going to do. She started to argue, but backed down. I actually think from the tone of her response there was a bit of breakthrough in terms of her understanding just how selfish she's been. A very small one, but something.

Last night at the pub with some friends, I was relaying the story of how the OW came into our lives. One of the women there said, "She's a poacher." Meaning... she's one of those single lesbians who meets a seemingly happy couple and wants to steal that happiness for herself. So she befriends them, perhaps a bit too closely (I definitely felt that from the beginning), and figures out which one is a bit less satisfied than the other with her life/relationship, and thus more vulnerable to being "poached."

Now I see why in the beginning she kept saying she wanted to get to know me better - I guess so she could make her choice! Since she was spending so much time with my W on the real estate business, it was just a matter of time before she was able to identify the weak spots, and pounce.

I'm kind of sick to my stomach about all that. What kind of twisted person does any such thing? Had to spend a few minutes in the car with my W this afternoon and I said, "You know, I learned about an interesting lesbian phenomenon last night..." And after I was done explaining it, she said, "I don't think that's Catherine."

I said, "Well, I know ignorance is bliss, and you are so very blissfully ignorant right now. Just do your due diligence."

She was very quiet after that. But since she was driving, she had to wait to relay that information via text to the OW... IF she did at all, I can't be sure. If she did, I know I gave them more ammunition to be united against me, so not good. But if she didn't - or even if she did - I gave my W something to ponder. And I know she's got it stuck in her head now.

Wonder if I did the right thing...

[Wonka]

Diff,

I wouldn't have mentioned the "poacher" comment to W at all. I've never brought up Ms. Wonka's OW....ever. She's nothing to you.

A more firm response would have been along the lines of "what you and OW did was incredibly disrespectful to me. I am stunned by this behavior. I want to be clear here: OW is never to be permitted to be near, around or in the townhouse. If I ever see the OW around again, I will take steps to address it myself. Are we clear?"

When I learned the extent of Ms. Wonka's A, I got very angry and told her in no uncertain terms that the OW was not to be in or near the house. I ended it with a very strong comment that I would take matters in my own hands if I ever saw the OW around the house. Ms. Wonka knew by the tone of my voice that I meant business.

Of course, Ms. Wonka took their rendezvouses elewhere. I really put my foot down on that one particular issue.

[CaliGuy]

Dif

Just caught up on your sitch ... Glad you did not send that email, Wonka is the expert there but just reading that it struck me as a "Let me tell you what is wrong about you that you didn't know" type thing ... and I have always felt the long emails or TM never come across they way we (Mostly I) would want them to so I have always refrained.

I do relate .. and chuckle a bit about the constant "We broke up" you hear on the boards. Mine did the same, and its like its justified ... I broke up with you so I could PA the OP ... yeah .. thats all it takes, I truth darted mine one night as I openly admitted I had not known about this hidden loophole in a marriage, and looked forward to going out getting drunk and calling my next W up slurring "itsth over" just before I got naked and bed another woman. The look she gave me was a priceless one.

And its not till just recently she has admitted what she did was wrong, but still does not like the term 'affair' or 'boyfriend' yet she can not really give me an alternative to use when these topics come up ... so I will continue to use them for that is what they are.

I do not think the 'poacher' phenomenon(See Predators) is just lesbian biased .. but the angle she could have very well tried to grab you is interesting to think about. And I would wager once she realized you had character .. she would have gone back to door #2 and tried to pick that lock. You did plant a seed however, a very good one that has some truth, without saying it you basically exposed your W and her moment of weakness.

I would let this seed take root, observe the next week or so how she reacts to this and you reaffirming your boundary of OW.

As far as "Did I do the right thing' ... I think there are alot of goods that I seen on this ... now how W reacts is all on her, you were honest, said things you needed to say, not to get a reaction or movement from her ... even if its the wrong thing .. nothing you can do now .. what's done is done, move on and stay on your path.

[DifRent]

Wonka, I did make that much clear. I guess I could have refrained from the poacher story. I know I'm supposed to make it look to my W like the OW is nothing to me. But she really isn't. She's the cause of everything, and I just know she's no good for my W. I also know - in my head - that my W needs to discover this for herself, I can't force the issue. Just sometimes, I lose control. Brush it off and move on, eh?

[DifRent]

Yeah Cali... wasn't ever going to send THAT email. It was more like a fantasy, like the one I wrote to the OW last month. Therapy, maybe. Not a good idea to send.

"I broke up with you so I could PA the OP..." Yes! Again, thanks for affirming I'm not the only one who hears this!

On her way out to the gym a little while ago, she really wanted to know more about "who told me what" regarding the OW and the whole poaching scenario. Of course, I only planted a seed (and nobody told me anything... someone last night just showed me a 22 year old photo of the OW and recalls knowing her in a "former" life, which I did show my W as a "visual accompaniment" to my poaching story.. but there is no story to tell). It has her bothered, and I will just leave it at that. I have nothing more to say, because literally... I have nothing more to say.

[Bob723]

Just sometimes, I lose control. Brush it off and move on, eh?

Hi DifRent,

Well, your quote above proves one thing - you are human. Yes, we all make mistakes, especailly during such emotionally trying times.

Please, brush it off and move on, and consider it a learning experience. Hang in there!

*hugs*

Bob

[DifRent]

Thanks Bob. I'm hanging in there the best I can... thanks in no small part to everyone here. What a godsend this site is, no? Even if it's the last place any of us want to be...

*hugs* back
Dif

[PigPen]

Sounds a bit like your W now feels like she's not the uniquely chosen snowflake that she thought she was Dif. It may not be strict DB'ing but the seed has been planted it sounds like,

I would imagine your W is lost in the fantasy that she's found her new life partner and everything is going to be just perfect forever. Hearing that she's been suckered is going to be a blow to that fantasy.

Stay cool on this one, as you said, you've got nothing more to say. Anything additional and it may come off as a purposefully planted seed, not a real one.

Here's to a good week for us all.

PP

[DifRent]

PigPen... thanks. And yes... here's to a good week for us all.

I'm going to pray tomorrow morning at Mass for everyone on this thread, and all of your spouses. Next week I start my new job, so this week? It's all about prayer. I hope it yields tangible fruit for someone, however God wills it. You all are wonderful people. Hugs...