Little Cloud of Dust - PigPen & The WAW (3)

[PigPen]

Jeez Dif, you just made me get all teared up! Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I'm going to use the given strength from everyone on this board this week.

I've been dreaming of my this weekend W, but not being able to remember the dreams when I wake up. That being said, last night I dreamed I had to give a speech in front of a group of people.

Right before the speech began I asked for a black sharpie marker, left the room and wrote "TRUTH" in big letters on the front of my shirt. I was surprised to find there was a story written there on my shirt already, so I had to work the TRUTH lettering around it.

The dream seemed fitting for what is coming up this week.

Yesterday was awful as I wrote, the 4th was always such a good time with my W. I couldn't get her out of my thoughts and even though I'm as detached as I can be, checked my phone a bunch of times to see if she has wished me a happy 4th. No such luck.

It's certainly hard to keep producing my own inspiration and faith with someone who has gone so dark on me as well. Reading Asitis's line about patience and DB'ing was helpful as is it to read some of the success stories and how much lack of contact exists between couples that do end up working things out. I feel like we are in parallel universes however, me here DB'ing and continuing my own process, her moving on.

Of course that's mind reading, but every time I speak with her she let's me know that she's getting more and more comfortable without me. I know, believe nothing. It's still hard though. I wanted desperately to send her a TM yesterday, but held it in. If she wanted to hear from me, she knows how to get a hold of me.

Yesterday I used the day to write, to listen to motivational videos on YT and to draft up an updated partnership agreement for my business. I've wanted to go out on my own for a long time but haven't had the courage to really step away from my business. I took BD as an opportunity for PigPen 2.0, and am putting those pieces into place right now.

It's a lot at once but I figure that since the house got knocked down I might as well rebuild it exactly how I want it to be for the next 20 years. It's hard to be homeless per say, but know that it won't be like this forever. Breathe in breathe out. Keep learning. Stay open. Be honest. Ask for help. Have faith. Keep writing.

I may need to come on here a few times today and dump my anxiety, it's pumping a bit this morning.

Peaceful Sunday DB'er.

PP

[Zues126]

Hey Pigpen. I haven't been posting as much lately. I think I feel guilty. I am still struggling with my own suffering, but compared to months 3-6 after BD...oh my gosh, I wish I could take some of your burden. Actually, I don't because I'm gasping with relief that I have some moments of peace, and I don't know I could give that up just now...but I WISH I wished I could take some of your burden.

The length and uncertainty of this journey is beyond explanation. I know this is DB forums, and we come with the goal to stand by your M. But really, feeling emotionally invested in the outcome of your M would be like if there was a forum where people posted about how they were anxious whether their newborn child would go into law school. I mean...it might happen, but it's not in your control and it's like two decades away. Hell of a thing to hold your breath for.

I'm over a year in and have seen NO signs of change from WAS. If I were a gambling man I'd bet against R. And as the positive emotions have been starved off, the co-dependency has been broken, the hurt has been so deep and seemingly eternal, and the destruction has been so great, it's hard to even consider R a desirable outcome...there's no path from here that doesn't go through years of further suffering, and any future R will be tainted, either with a prior failed marriage, or with prior betrayals and devastation. Months roll by like days and I keep walking, and I have still to see any sign that the edge of the pain is truly nearing. So I keep walking, and I mourn because the loss is real no matter what the future holds.

Detachment is the only salvation. It's hard to drive seven hours with kids that ask "are we there yet" 10 minutes into the trip. It's going to be a long, long ride, and you won't be the same person at the end. So other than sobriety, I'd make your top priority be doing anything and everything to detach. I know you have other issues, we all do...but until you detach you really can't work on them IMO because you're still doing everything through the lens of what will WAS think. I pray for you to get one step towards detachment today, and to feel some respite from the hell that is month 6.

[asitis]

Yesterday was awful as I wrote, the 4th was always such a good time with my W. I couldn't get her out of my thoughts and even though I'm as detached as I can be, checked my phone a bunch of times to see if she has wished me a happy 4th. No such luck.

I'm still learning the hard way that I have to look forward in the coming month for days that might be difficult because they have some kind of significance (anniversary, day where family has done something special together than I'll be reminded of, etc.) and start immediately planning to have something to do with sympathetic people. Yesterday, as I suspect many of us discovered the hard way, was a hard one as it is traditionally a family get together. Really wish I had figured out some way to get out with friends (no family in the area for me).

I'm set on the upcoming anniversary, but yesterday wasn't the first day I didn't plan ahead. Hopefully, I'll start learning from the mistake better soon.

[PigPen]

My stomach's been in knots all weekend Asitis! Knots. Don't know why either. I've been focusing on GAL'ing and pouring myself into my work, but it's just hard to breathe today.

I agree that the holiday was a hard one and I should have done more to spend it with people. It's a quagmire or wanting to be alone and needing to be around others.

Not my best day today either.

[asitis]

My stomach's been in knots all weekend Asitis! Knots. Don't know why either. I've been focusing on GAL'ing and pouring myself into my work, but it's just hard to breathe today.

I agree that the holiday was a hard one and I should have done more to spend it with people. It's a quagmire or wanting to be alone and needing to be around others.

Not my best day today either.

Do you have any friends or family nearby that you can talk to, or better yet take you out. I know going out to be around people is probably the last thing you feel like, but trust me that it works at times like this.

Do you have a life raft kit? Poems or sayings that you turn to, religious texts, music, activities, or friends you turn to when you on the lift raft and adrift at sea? Now would be the time to pull it out and use it. [If not, consider putting one together after this passes]

Exercise can help. So can meditation. Focus on your breath and then the pain. Breathe in and out while focusing on the pain. What does it feel like in your body? Label the pain (is it jealousy, resentment, frustration, anger, hurt, fear, etc.). It will likely be more than one. Then just breathe while you let yourself fully experience/feel the pain. How it feels in your body, what the emotion feels like, what it makes your feel like doing? If your mind starts to wander into stories about the feeling, say "thinking" or "telling stories" and gently bring your attention back to your breath and feeling the feeling. Take one feeling at a time.

It shouldn't take you more than 10 minutes, but you will find that the feelings begin to open up and lose some of their power.

There are other practices that I could give you if that doesn't do the trick, but I suspect it will help get you from feeling all twisted in knots.

Let me know. I have the kids, but I'll try to check in later.

[PigPen]

Thanks Asitis, I threw down a bunch of thoughts in a journal and then sat in meditation for 20 minutes. The combo helped a ton. I'm anxious about our upcoming session and was feeling the lack of her presence over the holiday.

Spending the weekend writing was good for me but also drew out a lot of emotions.

Appreciate your help.

PP

[asitis]

Glad you're doing better. I know anticipatory fear well. Try to approach it as just a time to listen. Even if she drops a bomb on you, you keep DBing by not reacting, listening, and validating. Maybe just what your R needs. In other words, it is under stress and test that we show our stuff. W takes note, even if it is subconsciously: this is not the same old PP. What's going on here? So, you never know whether it is a good or bad session until long after, and maybe never.

Do you know the parable of old Chinese farmer? Farmer's horse runs away, and his neighbors tell him "oh, what bad luck." All he says is "maybe." The next morning the horse returns with 3 wild horses in toe. The neighbors say, "oh, what good luck," and the farmer replies "maybe."

His son falls from one of the wild horses when he tries to break & tame it, breaking his leg badly. The neighbors say, "oh, what bad luck," and the old farmer replies "maybe." The next day, the military visits the village to conscript young men to serve. They reject the old farmers son because of his broken leg. The neighbors all say, "oh, what good fortune," and the old farmer just says "maybe."

As you feel the fear of your session coming up, just sit with and explore that fear. Befriend it. Find out what it really is a fear of/where is it coming from? What does it tell you about your core belief in how the world should work. That is one of the best ways I've found to take some of the power out of anticipatory fear, and I'm a pro at getting myself twisted in knots about the future.

Good luck.

[PigPen]

Thanks Asitis, I spent this morning in meditation and a solid 40 minutes with a pen and journal. Detaching is still very hard, especially this week when I know we will be meeting for the first time in 3 months.

I've sat with my fear now and know that it's the possible finality of my situation or at least perceived finality that is weighing on me. PMA'ing for me has been keeping that tiny kernel of hope alive despite all evidence to the contrary. However my fear (either rational or otherwise) IS that my W drops the D bomb and truly means it, during this meeting. It's just a fear. There are infinite possibilities I know, and I have had this fear in every one of our meetings since the moment she walked out.

When she came back 5 days after BD I thought she'd have paperwork, she was astounded that I would think so. When we met two weeks later, the same. When I came back from my trip to Central America, I figured that was waiting for me - it wasn't. It's been my fear all along, despite the emotional and energetic D that's already happened. Our M is dead, I see that, but the curious side of me still holds on to hope.

For some reason the fact that she hasn't filed is the rope that I cannot drop. At this point I still can't fathom a life without her, she has been an integral part of my story through so many chapters of my life that imagining any future chapter without her still stops me in my tracks. Detachment is not my strong suit. I miss my dog. I miss her.

This week, I am simply making myself as strong as possible even with the knot in my stomach that will not dissipate despite the meditating, journaling, GAL'ing, and exercising that is planned. It's ever present. I'm just going to have to breathe through it and keep expanding my stomach. There's a huge lesson in this week for me.

I see the value and importance of our upcoming meeting - as well as how it's just one small piece of this huge journey - and on some level know that my future doesn't hinge on the perfect word choices, or the perfect set of actions. Like you said, the effect may not be felt until much further down the road once everything gets a chance to settle in. Or it may not and she may show up ready to D me on the spot. Anything is possible. Anything. I've asked for a chance to show that I've made changes and this is the first of those chances. Walking into it strong, rested, and clearheaded is vital.

[help67]

Hey PP,

You said in an earlier post that we have similar sitch in some ways. I feel everything you just wrote. My w has dropped d bomb a few times, and wanted seperation agreement done by now, but that hasnt progressed or been mentioned in 11 weeks. I to have not been able to detach, I to dont want to give up. My w is now dating someone, who she has most likely been having an ea for sometime now, but she keeps me hanging on by telling me she doesnt know what the future holds, and she hasnt filed. Not knowing about affair we have built a friendship that i thought was a new beginning these last few months, but now i dont know what is true.

I know my w is in there somewhere. I know i am not giving up, but the pain is sometimes unbearable. I feel like Forest Gump, he and Jenny kept running away, but kept returning when they were not on the same page. In the end, however, they came together, really together forever. I miss my Jenny too. One day at a time, breathe, live, we'll make it to the other side, and it will be amazing.

By the way. i am 9 months straight and sober today.

[PigPen]

Thanks Help,

Congrats on 9 months. I'm coming up on day 180 next week. Feels amazing. Definitely was long overdue and something that I ponder every day in my sitch. I wonder what my life would look like if my W hadn't left. Would I still be getting high every day? Would I still be setting up challenges for myself (no drinking this week), and then breaking that on Tuesday night, or even Monday if football was on?

Would I still be driving to the store high? Would I be getting high just to go to food shopping as it was more fun that way? Would I purposefully be getting high before long road trips to take the boredom out of them?

Given that I've been pulled over three times since BD and getting sober, I can't imagine how dangerous I was prior to BD behind the wheel. It's horrifying to ponder and I'm so thankful that BD didn't come after I hit a child in the street or got in an accident. In that sense her leaving was a huge gift and the wake up call I truly needed.

Stay strong Help.