Hopeless in NYC

[eclipse]

How is NYC Tonight?

Chilly with a good chance of cold-heartedness.

[mahhhty]

Sorry to hear that Eclipse. How are you doing?

[mahhhty]

^^^

[mahhhty]

Eclipse? Any update?

[mahhhty]

Thinking about NYC and eclipse. What is the latest?

[eclipse]

Thinking about NYC and eclipse. What is the latest?

For what it's worth, I'm still here. Been busy trying to avoid getting fired. Apparently, being in a semi-catatonic state for several months doesn't help to impress a new boss. I've taken up recreational drinking to help dull some of the pain. At the recommendation of my therapist, I started dating other women. This has turned out to be a complete waste of time since I can't feel anything for them anyway. My sister moved in due to a falling out with our mom, so at least I have someone to keep me company. I've been practicing ice skating with my daughter and she's actually getting the hang of it. There was a also this week-long workation in Boston where I realized traveling is awesome, but since I don't have anyone to go with it was quite the pointless realization. Many thoughts and revelations about the wife, but oddly I don't feel like mentioning them right now. Weird, huh?

[sandi2]

Thanks for letting us hear from you.

[eclipse]

Things have taken a turn for the worst. I doubt I will ever get around to writing up all the details, but I am rapidly running out of options and will likely end up having to permanently leave the country. Looks like not everyone can be saved.

[shnswms]

what's going on Eclipse? That post is worrying. Talk to us.

[eclipse]

4:30am...can't sleep. A few hours ago my W came over to pick up our D and I had the most painful hour long conversation with her. The few heart-to-hearts about the situation that I've had with her were always a rehash with the same outcome, but something was different about this one. She was calmer, she didn't get defensive, and so we talked to the point where she started laying down on the carpet almost falling asleep. And she was teary. I can't even begin wrapping my head around that. But in the end, she continues to be thoroughly convinced that it's the best choice because we're not right for each other. Or because she's angry at me for the things I said when I was having a hard day. Or because what we had was not a real relationship to begin with. I don't know--she keeps jumping around on her reasoning. Anything to support the decision, really.

what's going on Eclipse? That post is worrying. Talk to us.

Money problems caused by the situation are on the verge on making me insolvent and I can't seem to work it out with the W. I'm not sure if the details really matter, but suffice it to say negotiating and aiming for compromise have been fruitless strategies.

As to what's been going on this whole time...

About a month ago, my W called me while I was with our D. It's strange, but I could tell from her voice what she was about to say. Her mom's cancer has returned (stage 4, no less). She told me she would be needing more help with D because of the strain it would put on her schedule, and at the same time she immediately threw in how it changes nothing between us.

D's 6th birthday was just two weeks ago, and I was kindly disallowed from being at the party. That was really upsetting, especially when I found out that D wanted me there and my W basically laid out an ultimatum of "no dad" or "no party." So much for putting the child's needs first.

As for D and I, we've been ice skating and rollerblading a lot. I've placed her into a gymnastics class for the next few weeks and she's just ecstatic. It's a real joy watching her grow up, but my heart sinks every time she asks why we can't be a family with mommy. How can I possibly explain it to a child when I can't make sense of it myself?

My career is at a breaking point. Forget work--I've lost all interest in software/computers on a personal level. When I thought about what I could do instead, I realized that if I'm stuck in traffic for hours every day, I may as well get paid for it. So right now I'm trying to break into driving with Uber or Lyft. I've actually taken the first step and got my license upgraded to the appropriate class, and even though it's seemingly trivial, I feel like it's somewhat of a victory due to how I usually end up getting stuck at the "dreaming" phase.

Sorry for the disorganized writeup. I am aware that it reads like the incoherent ramblings a mentally deficient 12 year old EMO kid on tumblr, but the thoughts are spinning around in my head like a hurricane and it's hard to pluck them out in a more meaningful order.

There's more, but I can't stay conscious any longer...