So back to the waiting game. Last thread didn't end on a high. TBH I haven't seen any small improvements that I can put my finger on at all. Still, gota keep trying.
So for now all I can say is thanks to you all and hope your situations are improving.
Peace
Last edited by Cadet; 06/26/1503:15 PM.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Yes, today is the anniversary. She simply said thanks. Fair enough.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
NDY, just wanted to stop by and say keep fighting. Sorry to hear about your FIL.
I agreed with Wonka on the text. I have a hard time with this, but I am trying to focus more on my actions, in a similar situation I hope W feels comfortable saying something to me, or coming in and saying hi because of how I act. Very hard for me to not pursue through my words right now. And we are in the same boat, I over-analyze EVERYTHING.
Me: 32 Her: 29 M: 5 T: 11 D2 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: 2/13/15 (I found out, she didn't tell me) W filed for D after I confronted OM 5-27-15 Papers served 6-3-15 Temporary Order 7-15-15 W Moved out 7-17-15
Hell, we're coming on here to ask about wording in texts to someone that prior to BD we have literally sent thousands of texts to without a moment's thought!
Now every word gets considered - EVERY SINGLE WORD!
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Hell, we're coming on here to ask about wording in texts to someone that prior to BD we have literally sent thousands of texts to without a moment's thought!
Now every word gets considered - EVERY SINGLE WORD!
Hi PigPen
Not only that, but I have often drawn on the skills of Wonka to write them for me. To my Wife for crying out loud. Not that long ago we emailed and txt several times a day. It was easy and light and often funny. Now look where we are.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
It's crazy. Absolutely crazy. But it's the DB process NDY.
The light and funny stuff was our old patterns and somehow they got us to where they are now. I see it too.
I also see that now the game has changed and the stakes are significantly higher. Now when communications are so few and far between they have to be well thought out.
My W has reduced her emails to me down to four word replies, she stopped addressing them to me personally months ago and now just heads them with "hey". It's as if using my name would be too painful for her (mind reading I know)
I look at her replies as going through her own mental/emotional version of Wonka. She has an outcome that she wants and an emotional protection system in place - that is trying to protect that outcome. All of her replies get filtered through that system - using my name may give me hope, or may be too painful for her, or some other reason that I can't even think of. But it has a reason.
We have to view our system as having its own agenda too so without Wonka, we just write what we "think or feel" not realizing that our system has probably tainted it with it's own flavor of need.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
My W has reduced her emails to me down to four word replies, she stopped addressing them to me personally months ago and now just heads them with "hey". It's as if using my name would be too painful for her (mind reading I know)
I mentioned in one of my earlier threads about how her language had become very prozake (or very formal if you will) which is likely a reaction to the language I use. She uses my name now, but back before BD she didn't need to. It's like she's doing the friendly neighbor on me.
Quote:
I look at her replies as going through her own mental/emotional version of Wonka. She has an outcome that she wants and an emotional protection system in place - that is trying to protect that outcome. All of her replies get filtered through that system - using my name may give me hope, or may be too painful for her, or some other reason that I can't even think of. But it has a reason.
This I can relate to. Any and all communications from her are about a specific topic based in practicality. I know that's what we should be doing as part of the process and it's a reflection of that and I can relate.
Quote:
We have to view our system as having its own agenda too so without Wonka, we just write what we "think or feel" not realizing that our system has probably tainted it with it's own flavor of need.
Yes, I get this as well. Interesting that at the end of my last thread the short text I sent to my WW RE surprising me with S9 created a bit of a storm. Funny how just a couple of words that you normally wouldn't think twice about using can provoke such a reaction. Sad but true.
Last edited by NDY; 06/26/1503:17 PM.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I think way too much time and emphasis is being put on way too many words.
Imagine your wife is a crack addict (instead of just addicted to OM). Do you think your crack addict wife would care if you said "come on in and say 'hi' if you get the chance". You are communicating with a brick wall whom is singularly focused on her addiction (OM). Even you son is a pawn in this game as it would likely appear bad to OM if she simply abandoned him with you (a good example of this is her dropping him off with you while it was raining because she couldn't simply shove him outside to play and away from her while she texts furiously with her "a$$oulmate".
So, individual words and phrases don't matter much and I'm of the opinion that ticking them off with the truth from time to time is more beneficial than trying to appease them. Sure they get angry but then they run to their OM and spout off for hours about how terrible you are. OM's don't like angry complicated affair partners. They much prefer the dirty secretive taboo affair sex they had before where they just stroked each other's insecure egos and mistakenly confused taboo adulterous sex with real love. An angry affair partner focused on her husband isn't quite the same thing they signed up for.
You want to behave in an "attractive manner" which is being yourself. Being authentic. Speaking the truth. Not being afraid of her. Such that if and when she does stick their head out of the fog (and they very often do) she will remember and/or see a strong confident man beckoning them out of the fog.
Essentially, nothing you say or do is really going to be that "attractive" to her TODAY and the things/behaviors that ARE attractive are the ones that tick her off the most. So trying so hard NOT to upset her is counterproductive in a sense and in a sense, it doesn't matter right now.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
