My W has reduced her emails to me down to four word replies, she stopped addressing them to me personally months ago and now just heads them with "hey". It's as if using my name would be too painful for her (mind reading I know)
It was years before Ms. Wonka finally started her communications with my name. For the longest time, no name. Just "Hi" then into the email body. That drove me nuts!!!
My W has reduced her emails to me down to four word replies, she stopped addressing them to me personally months ago and now just heads them with "hey". It's as if using my name would be too painful for her (mind reading I know)
I mentioned in one of my earlier threads about how her language had become very prozake (or very formal if you will) which is likely a reaction to the language I use. She uses my name now, but back before BD she didn't need to. It's like she's doing the friendly neighbor on me.
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I look at her replies as going through her own mental/emotional version of Wonka. She has an outcome that she wants and an emotional protection system in place - that is trying to protect that outcome. All of her replies get filtered through that system - using my name may give me hope, or may be too painful for her, or some other reason that I can't even think of. But it has a reason.
This I can relate to. Any and all communications from her are about a specific topic based in practicality. I know that's what we should be doing as part of the process and it's a reflection of that and I can relate.
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We have to view our system as having its own agenda too so without Wonka, we just write what we "think or feel" not realizing that our system has probably tainted it with it's own flavor of need.
Yes, I get this as well. Interesting that at the end of my last thread the short text I sent to my WW RE surprising me with S9 created a bit of a storm. Funny how just a couple of words that you normally wouldn't think twice about using can provoke such a reaction. Sad but true.
You think it's about you....however, as I mentioned above...waywards are singularly focused on OM.
Their responses to you are all couched in how or what OM will think about them in the context of the story they've told OM about you and your marriage.
Further, OM may be jealous or fearful of your wife going back to you. From his standpoint, YOU are the biggest threat to their relationship. Actually many OM's are cunning enough players to innately know to use that against their married woman in a manner that gets them the best sex and admiration. They ACT jealous and possessive and the wayward wife eats that up. Other times they do it to demonstrate and confirm a hatred of you to their OM knowing that OM, a single man, could take off on them at any time for any reason, thus they need to constantly confirm for OM that he's her knight in shining armor rescuing her from her awful emotionally (and maybe she told him physically) abusive husband. Many wayward wives sell the OM on this savior thing because guys like saving women and they have to keep running with it even after the facts change (like you moving back in with her and telling her you want to save the marriage which is likely quite contrary to uncaring jerk she made you out to be).
Don't let her words or lack-o-words bother you. Her affair and words really aren't about you. She's not having this affair AT you. This is about something wrong and broken deep within her (which is why, as her husband, you make an effort to SAVE her, while knowing you'll be fine either way).
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I was of the impression that the language use on communications advocated here was to make sure it demonstrated a detached, non needy confident persona. Same goes with the duration of communications and ignoring the 'small talk' ones. I may be wrong but I've not thought about trying not to upset her. Heck, me breathing upsets her right now.
Still, it's nearly the weekend and I'm meeting an old pal tonight then I have S9 all to myself for the rest of the weekend. I think I deserve a beer on the way home.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
Ah, I am also trying not to upset W. Maybe what GB is saying just do what you need to do and not worry about upsetting W - right?
Be like Clint. Do what works.
It'll be interesting to see your posts change once you devour the book. And trust me on the first reading you will devour it. Then you'll need to read it again. Possibly several times but it's worth the effort.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
I have a bit of a maverick reputation at work. I'm not big on a$$ sucking and doing things by the rules, when all they serve is to produce paperwork when a phonecall or 'talking to' stops any problems.
Dirty Harry - I like that!
M 45 W 52 SD22 S9 D8 BD 6 April 2015 Not living together 4 Dec 2015
I was of the impression that the language use on communications advocated here was to make sure it demonstrated a detached, non needy confident persona. Same goes with the duration of communications and ignoring the 'small talk' ones. I may be wrong but I've not thought about trying not to upset her. Heck, me breathing upsets her right now.
Still, it's nearly the weekend and I'm meeting an old pal tonight then I have S9 all to myself for the rest of the weekend. I think I deserve a beer on the way home.
Sure, TRY to communicate however you think is best and according to the plan you have adopted, but just do it.
Become your own expert. Neither me nor wonka are going to "attract" your wife back. She was attracted you YOU once....so BE you.
So who are you? Your wife is having an affair with another man and cheating on you AND your son. You need to be strategic as there are some legal implications when it comes to custody of your child as it appears right now this situation isn't turning around anytime soon. But other than that, you don't have anything to fear from being a fun loving amiable caring bloke who is direct and honest (to a reasonable extent this is still a war for your family and you don't have to tell your enemy everything) in his communications.
I think the disconnect maybe stems for the belief that the betrayed husband's need to communicate detachment to their wayward wife. That' not true. Your wife isn't going to magically turn around on a dime for fear of losing you as she sees you pulling away. The point of detachment is to BE detached such that you can engage with your wayward spouse without letting the nonsense and mean things they continue to say and do effect you and so you don't overly pursue them in a begging fashion. You detach so you can think straight, thus being able to more use your brains to think out and apply a more nuanced strategy to MAYBE save your wife but save yourself regardless.
Your wife could care less if you are detached or not. In fact, many way wards prefer a completely detached betrayed husband because then he no longer interferes with her affair AND, by being unemotional and appearing to move on, he fits perfectly into the typical neglected wayward wives rationalizations and justifications for cheating in that he's showing he just never really cared or cherished her at all.
"Detachment" as a means of attracting back a wayward spouse works when women apply it to their betrayed husbands who are compartmentalizers who love their wife AND their other woman. Wayward husband's with children also have more to seemingly lose so when their betrayed wife "detaches" and really starts selling "detachment" they are finally forced to decide and the OW usually is the one that comes up short once a decision is forced. Wayward wives love OM. They don't care and don't respond to their betrayed husband "detaching" other than to say "good, give me a favorable divorce, custody of the kids, the house and all your money you miserable betrayed husband who forced me to leave because you were so neglectful and uncaring".
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
I don't know why but your posts don't seem to be in sync with everyone else's.
Anyway what you said in your last post I agree with. It was just an observation. It doesn't really bother me but it is frustrating to think how the language used to communicate with her has changed so much. It's about protecting myself more than anything.
From my point of view, continuing on a theme I've learned not to try and figure out if there is a loaded message going on. The way asitis described in my last thread. I just deal with the practicalities and move on.
When you say something is broken inside her. This I know. Yes, I can't fix her and yes I can TRY to save her but the only way to do that is to step back and let her travel her own path. I can minimise the damage to me and S9 as best I can. Other than that follow DB. Not much else left to do. Focus on me and the boy, right?
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
A friend passed this along to me today. I found it encouraging and wanted to share it with you:
Faith…Trust…Hope…Confidence…Love…Attitude
{1} Once all villagers decided to pray for rain, on the day of prayer all the people gathered, but only one boy came with an umbrella.
That's FAITH
{2} When you throw a baby in the air, she laughs because she knows you will catch her.
That's TRUST
{3} Every night we go to bed, without any assurance of being alive the next morning but still we set the alarms to wake up.
That's HOPE
{4} We plan big things for tomorrow in spite of zero knowledge of the future.
That's CONFIDENCE
{5} We see the world suffering, but still we get married and have children.
That's LOVE
{6} On an old lady's shirt was written a sentence 'I am not 80 years old.... I am sweet 16 with 64 years experience'
That's ATTITUDE
Have a happy day,
Live your life like the six stories above!
Me:55 yrs/W:51 yrs (has MS) M:14 yrs T:15 yrs No children together--3 each from previous marriages Wife Moved Out: 10/19/14 Wife Filed for Divorce: 10/20/14 Divorce Final: 10/21/15
I was of the impression that the language use on communications advocated here was to make sure it demonstrated a detached, non needy confident persona. Same goes with the duration of communications and ignoring the 'small talk' ones. I may be wrong but I've not thought about trying not to upset her. Heck, me breathing upsets her right now.
Still, it's nearly the weekend and I'm meeting an old pal tonight then I have S9 all to myself for the rest of the weekend. I think I deserve a beer on the way home.
Sure, TRY to communicate however you think is best and according to the plan you have adopted, but just do it.
Become your own expert. Neither me nor wonka are going to "attract" your wife back. She was attracted you YOU once....so BE you.
So who are you? Your wife is having an affair with another man and cheating on you AND your son. You need to be strategic as there are some legal implications when it comes to custody of your child as it appears right now this situation isn't turning around anytime soon. But other than that, you don't have anything to fear from being a fun loving amiable caring bloke who is direct and honest (to a reasonable extent this is still a war for your family and you don't have to tell your enemy everything) in his communications.
I think the disconnect maybe stems for the belief that the betrayed husband's need to communicate detachment to their wayward wife. That' not true. Your wife isn't going to magically turn around on a dime for fear of losing you as she sees you pulling away. The point of detachment is to BE detached such that you can engage with your wayward spouse without letting the nonsense and mean things they continue to say and do effect you and so you don't overly pursue them in a begging fashion. You detach so you can think straight, thus being able to more use your brains to think out and apply a more nuanced strategy to MAYBE save your wife but save yourself regardless.
Your wife could care less if you are detached or not. In fact, many way wards prefer a completely detached betrayed husband because then he no longer interferes with her affair AND, by being unemotional and appearing to move on, he fits perfectly into the typical neglected wayward wives rationalizations and justifications for cheating in that he's showing he just never really cared or cherished her at all.
"Detachment" as a means of attracting back a wayward spouse works when women apply it to their betrayed husbands who are compartmentalizers who love their wife AND their other woman. Wayward husband's with children also have more to seemingly lose so when their betrayed wife "detaches" and really starts selling "detachment" they are finally forced to decide and the OW usually is the one that comes up short once a decision is forced. Wayward wives love OM. They don't care and don't respond to their betrayed husband "detaching" other than to say "good, give me a favorable divorce, custody of the kids, the house and all your money you miserable betrayed husband who forced me to leave because you were so neglectful and uncaring".
Now this resonates with me. Ok, I realise now how confused I've been here. I get this. Big time. Thanks GB. You are forthright in your views and I admire them.
I need some time and space to think about this. I've asked a few times how to act what to say and, well you know. So with all the conflicting messages going I got my knickers in a twist.
Time to take a deep breath and try a different approach. So far everything I've tried has made things worse. Still gonna try though.
Me:43 Her:42 M:14 S:9 EA started 2014/03 (or there abouts) PA started 2014/05/30 BD:2014/11/05 I left 2015/10/01 I returned 2015/05/02 She left 2015/06/10 OM still on the go.
