Brothers in Arms (Sisters too...)

[Underdog]

It's been a really long time since I had my own thread. I wasn't planning on breaking that tradition, but since you guys are so good at speaking from the heart, I decided I'd break my silence.

That being said, it's been an enormously difficult year for me and my family. Four deaths of people very close to me has been excruciating, and I'm ready for the funerals to stop. Isn't it supposed to be four weddings and A funeral? I lost my uncle two weeks ago, and I have another uncle (who was married to my aunt who passed away suddenly in April) waiting in the wings. It will probably be five by the end of the year.

The good: I'm REALLY tuned in to how I feel. I'm trying to be gentle to myself and I'm acutely aware how grief manifests itself in those who are closest to me. I have decided they all need compassion from me more than anything else. Particularly my mom, who lost her son and her sister and best friend in less than 6 months.

The bad: For the first time in 25 years, I really, really wish I were closer to my extended family. I love and miss them so much. That includes my D21.

The ugly: I can't seem to completely move through all this grieving. It seems like an uninvited guest in my house. Sure, I'm busy and have a life I live, but sometimes in the evenings, I wish I were surrounded by my family. Especially my sister and her hubs.

The silver lining: I talk to EVERYONE often now. I'm making a point of talking or texting regularly. So there's that.

Having Kat and her lovely girls here was a welcome respite. I loved having someone in my family room to share conversation.

On a really happy note, D18 and I are heading home to Virginia next week to spend the 4th with my family. My aunt's memorial was this past Saturday, which happened to coincide with my brother's 47th birthday. I had planned this trip back in March before the death wagon showed up, and I'm so glad I can be there. My uncle's funeral is unfortunately two after we come home and D18 has some dental work requiring anesthesia at the same time. So I can't be there. Fortunately, my cousin hosts a 4th of July gala and I will be there to see everyone. Plus D21 is flying down from NY to join us. Can't wait for that!

I'm putting out a silent plea to the universe for some big projects at work to propel me forward professionally and personally. And it will help with some positive focus and distraction. Right now, I'm just happy at the thought of seeing everyone again soon.

Hard to believe that D18 will be a "senior" (for whatever that means in the special ed world) this year. When I get back from VA, and after she has her chipped front tooth fixed I need to set up an appointment for a few senior pictures. Nothing elaborate like D21's, but something simple and cute.

So that's it for now. I really have appreciated you guys over the years.

Hugs,
Betsey

[kat727]

Bets, You know life has a way of rearing it's ugly head just when you didn't need it to. Getting out of town had a great effect on me and I think the girls. Not being tied to the day to day routine but shaking it up just enough for it to be special.

I am sorry that you are having so much loss right now. As strange as it seems to say, you know they are still with you. they may not communicate in the same way but they will let you know what you need to know. My Dad's mom I wasn't very close to and have never had a visit with, though my Mom has had dreams about her. My Mom's mom on the other hand was my kindred spirit and she hasn't really left me. She has come to me and left messages, she sends me cardinals in day to day life and through pictures and friends.

I would do just about anything to hold her again and I know that I will someday but I talk to her and she answers. Just not always on my timeline or in a way I expect. It has been almost 16 years and not a day goes by that I don't miss her and her physical presence. I keep her alive by sharing her stories and by making her awesome chocolate cake.

I think that as long as you are meeting the Universe half way as D16 says, you are going to be fine. You can say your request out loud too you know and maybe ask Dennis to help things along.

Thanks again for the wonderful visit. I am trying to keep last week at the front of my mind to know that those freeing thoughts are what I am working towards.

Big hugs!

kat

[SunFunOne]

((Bets))

Sometimes life is just overwhelming. That's when you need to step back. Take deep breaths. Don't bite off more than you can chew. Cut yourself some slack.

I've been feeling like you this Spring - even though I have not had the great losses you have had to endure. But it has been one thing after another. Losing sleep. So stressed. I went away for a few days. I refused to deal with all the "Stuff" & I came back refreshed - with a new attitude. It's amazing how a few days of stepping away from it all can help. Not sure if this is something you can do right now but I strongly advise it.

My Florida neighbour has been going through similar to you. Lost her husband to cancer at 50. Lost her Mom in Sept, now her Dad. Went through a bankruptcy and lost her home. Her dad bought her the condo. She is one of those people I'm trying to save. I care about her- she is a good person. But she is drinking. A lot. Enough to make some of her other friends back off.

She is coming to visit me next week. She has never travelled. Got her first passport. I feel it is changing her focus, hopefully her perspective too.

Anyway, thinking of you, my friend. Brighter days ahead!

Barb

[BeginningAgain]

That being said, it's been an enormously difficult year for me and my family. Four deaths of people very close to me has been excruciating, and I'm ready for the funerals to stop. Isn't it supposed to be four weddings and A funeral? I lost my uncle two weeks ago, and I have another uncle (who was married to my aunt who passed away suddenly in April) waiting in the wings. It will probably be five by the end of the year.

Bets - I'm so sorry for your losses. Heck one death of a close family member or friend in one year is rough - I can't imagine experiencing multiple ones. Take time to grieve each loss and lean on those around you that you are close to as well. When my father passed away last year, it was hard to see him go but at the same time it helped with being able to reconnect and solidify some extended family relationships that I had not had in quite some time. It's unfortunate that it sometimes takes a loss to re-energize or cultivate a connection that you had previously let slip - but I'm sure my father is elated that in his death he was a conduit for me to reconnect with cousins (his nephews/nieces) that I hadn't seen in literally decades and am now back in contact with.

On a really happy note, D18 and I are heading home to Virginia next week to spend the 4th with my family. My aunt's memorial was this past Saturday, which happened to coincide with my brother's 47th birthday. I had planned this trip back in March before the death wagon showed up, and I'm so glad I can be there. My uncle's funeral is unfortunately two after we come home and D18 has some dental work requiring anesthesia at the same time. So I can't be there. Fortunately, my cousin hosts a 4th of July gala and I will be there to see everyone. Plus D21 is flying down from NY to join us. Can't wait for that!

I'm excited to hear that you are going to be here in NOVA!!! I know you are busy, but I'm putting out the invitation now that if you have a free hour (or two) - the Scotch is on me! Plus I would love for you to meet Carol. You've got my contact information, right?!

I'm putting out a silent plea to the universe for some big projects at work to propel me forward professionally and personally.

Keeping my fingers crossed for you that these projects come through for you. Money doesn't necessarily buy happiness, but it sure as heck relieves a lot of the stress and helps to provide freedom to do more things you enjoy! :-) I am being considered for a promotion at my work and it would result in a significant pay and professional boost as well. Not sure I will get it, but if I didn't try I'd have nothing to gain and by trying I definitely have nothing to lose.

Hard to believe that D18 will be a "senior" (for whatever that means in the special ed world) this year. When I get back from VA, and after she has her chipped front tooth fixed I need to set up an appointment for a few senior pictures. Nothing elaborate like D21's, but something simple and cute.

I've also got a Senior in the house next year. My youngest (D17) starts her last year in September. Having just gone through this two years ago with D18, I am acutely aware of how quickly the last year of high school goes. We are heading to Florida actually in August to check out her number one college - FSU. It seems weird, but her High School has already had her Senior picture for the year book already taken, about 3 weeks ago while she was still a Junior!

Hope to see you soon! Take care of yourself my friend!

BA

[SunnyB]

Betsey, I'm sorry you've had such a tough year. I've often admired your ability to pull back and take care of yourself in tough times. Please continue to do that.

There was a time when I looked at my life and thought everything was perfect and was go grateful that I had not experienced any major life catastrophes. And then you know what happened. But one of my "silver linings" is meeting you, even if we are online strangers. You've taught me so much, and I thank you.

Enjoy your trip, and wishing you all the best on your work projects.

[Underdog]

Thanks to all of you. I really appreciate your support and words of comfort. I personally think it's the age... and Barb, yes, I think the word stressful sounds like where many of us are at the moment.

I stayed home from work yesterday because my pal, D18, didn't get to sleep until 4:30 am and I was batty with fatigue. I made her get up fairly early, and she didn't nap, so that was a good thing. I took a brief nap and felt much better. She spent the night at her dad's last night, and we're going to see Wicked tonight for a change of pace.

Can I take a minute to talk about weather? We've had a rainy and cool spring. I don't mind so much, especially since I haven't had to turn on the sprinklers, which usually get turned on full swing in early May, nor have I had to use the A/C. I like that, because I'm a huge fan of fresh air and lots of it. The downswing? I kinda knew that we were going to go from cool to HOT. We've had a few days in the 80s (almost all of them were in March) and it's been in the 70s here. Very comfortable. But someone is turning on the switch, because we're going to be 90 today and 97 tomorrow and the heat is coming on full force. I expect to be grumpy this weekend! BA, I know what to expect next week. My folks have already warned me. And now D21 is doing her job hunting for after graduation in California because living in NY this summer has made her think that heat+humidity is physically draining. Ha ha!

OK, back to life, already in progress.

It will be a busy week before I head out. My tech team is heading to San Antonio to complete an installation next week, and I've got a fabulous conference call tomorrow with an existing client who is expanding in Jacksonville. BA, I just like work to propel me forward with good distractions. It's nothing more than that. I still have to come home to... me.

Yes, I have your info, and I'd love to come over. Usually, I have my friends pop in at my folks' so I can have a base for socialization. But we might need a few hours away. LOL. I might have to bring D18 if that's okay. You know I'd love to meet Carol. And I definitely won't turn down any scotch.

Sunny, this forum has been the biggest silver lining in my divorce as well. I've met some really fabulous folks here, and have been more than blessed to call them friends IRL too. I'm really grateful for that!

This weekend, I'm going to try to make good head way on an antique table/desk I bought last fall from ARC for $20. That will keep me occupied for a few hours. Naturally, I'll start working on a plan for packing too.

Anyhoo, thanks to everyone. Barb, you're a really, really good person and I relate to you so much. Thanks for the gift of your authenticity. I appreciate that!

Bets

[SunFunOne]

Thanks Bets, for saying that. My builder's wife (a fri no) let me know 2 weeks ago that I'm not such a great person. & that really hurt.

I think your time away for the 4th will do you a world of good. I'm still feeling so much stronger & competent since my few days out of here. The weather REALLY has brought me down just like you. Now I'm heading out to do do little outdoor projects when it's nice enough & working on getting my house "guest ready" when it's crummy. I guess that's balance.

I hope Vic's dental stuff goes smoothly. I know how difficult that is. Ry sends her a big hug and wishes she could attend his birthday party next month.

Hang in there, dear friend. You're gonna make it! Summer is just a few days away!

Barb

[Cadet]

D21 is doing her job hunting for after graduation in California because living in NY this summer has made her think that heat+humidity is physically draining. Ha ha!

And summer does not even start for another 3 days!!

[RosaLinda]

My heart breaks for you and your mom Betsey. So much loss. But hang in there; you'll find your firm footing again. You're one of the strongest people I know.

I'm awfully glad you'll get to spend some time with family and friends over the 4th. If D21 thinks it's hot and humid in New York, wait until she gets a load of Virginia LOL

You know if you ever get a hankering to see her, there is a bed waiting here for you and D18 (18, sheesh, where did the time go?) I hope you enjoy San Antonio, and that the heat is dry heat there I wonder what the chances of THAT being true is.

[Underdog]

Barb,

Your contractor's wife leveraged a business proposition into something personal, which I find way unfair. Business is business, and personally, I think you ARE a good person. D18 would love to go to Ry's party. Give him a hug from us!

Cadet, I know, right? And RL, you're absolutely dead on with the humidity in VA. We've just entered the oven, and with so much rain, the grass has retained moisture which is creating humidity here (relative, ya know). It was really muggy when we got home from the theater last night, and for the first time E.V.E.R., I turned on the A/C at 11 pm! I figure it's good practice for next week.

BTW, it's my techs who will be in S.A. next week. Not me. I get to stay home and manage the project from my own desk. Which really means I can get laundry and packing done on my own schedule.

RL, you never know what will happen next fall, and I'd love to take you up on your offer. I've booked airfare and hotels for almost all the weekends with the exception of a couple. I think D18 might hate flying come November. But she's excited about next week, so I'll take that as a good thing.

We had a wonderful night at Wicked last night. She LOVED it. She sat next to a woman about my age who was thoroughly delighted to sit next to her because of that glee. At the end of the show, D18 pretty much clapped all the way out. It was worth the late night!

Hugs to all of you dear people-

Betsey