Don't Look Back 1

[SunnyB]

Sunny, great goals! No I'm going to encourage you with nagging questions

1.) What kind of exercise do you enjoy? And when is the soonest you can begin? Today?

2.) What's the first thing you want to accomplish around the house? When will you start? (Flooring is a great accomplishment, btw! Even if you're just hiring someone to do it. I went through the same thing with our house last fall, and getting all of the quotes, learning about the different material options, etc. was definitely a hassle).

3.) Sorry if I missed it somewhere in your time here, but what is your work background? Are you looking at returning to the same type of work, or are you open-ended and/or have a different field in mind?

Card, I appreciate the questions. It lets me know you are reading and helps hold me accountable. I think that's a really important part of the goal process.

1. I like to lift weights, not the kind coated in pink plastic, either. I like to sprint occasionally, walk often. I started back in the weight room as soon as I was cleared to a few weeks ago. I using one of the New Rules programs, Cosgrove is my default when I need a reset. It feels great to have my hands back on a bar.

2. My house goal at the moment is to recover from the floor installation. There's some painting and new furniture involved in that, too, so the whole thing could take several more weeks.

Today I've been working on my closet, rearranging things a little. I'm happy with it. And I also cleaned out H's side of the closet, he still has some stuff over there and I'm OK with that but I've rearranged it, too, to compact it and give more empty space. I have made the conscious decision not to expand into any territory that was previously his, closet, sink/vanity, night stand, dresser. I am deliberately leaving space in my life for a partner, whether that's H or someone else. The emptiness is symbolic for me.

3. My education is accounting, I'm actually a CPA. But for the last 10 years I did a lot of non-financial stuff, everything from building management, to space allocation, event planning, membership and volunteer recruitment, office management, advertising, and communications to name a few. I think I'd like something where a financial background is an asset but not necessarily the whole job. I'd like to target some of the larger employers in the city as opposed to a small company.


Hey, Bob! I'm going to have to pop over to your thread to see if you explained your GAL. I hope it was fun!

I have dinner plans with a meet-up group later tonight. I was going to go mountain biking tomorrow but cancelled because I really want to continue reassembling Casa Sunny.

[Maybell]

Nice goals, Sunny!

I have some in mind too but I'm going to plan them before I reveal them.

Maybell wuz here.

[PigPen]

Hi Sunny,

Sounds like we like to lift the same kind of weights...Elieko? I hope so. Nothing is going to fuel a new personal best in your C&J like your situation huh?

I've gotten back into the weight room myself and have a new respect for it after time away. Hope to hear about your successful lifts.

Give it hell.

PP

[Bob723]

Hey, Bob! I'm going to have to pop over to your thread to see if you explained your GAL. I hope it was fun!

I have dinner plans with a meet-up group later tonight. I was going to go mountain biking tomorrow but cancelled because I really want to continue reassembling Casa Sunny.

Hi Sunny,

I saw your post and replied. Your GAL actvities sound good to me. I'm still LOL at "reassembling Casa Sunny." You always seem to have a way with words.

Hang in there! xoxo

Bob

[SunnyB]

Hi folks, hope everyone had a good weekend. I went out with my meetup group both Friday and Saturday, went to church and breakfast with H and kids on Sunday. Otherwise tried to reassemble my house, but I'm still waiting on some painting to be done. H has been really helpful in this process, taking a lot of time on the project and not saying one word about the amount of $ being spent.

For those of you who are in pain and struggling, I'm here to tell you that life gets better.

Maybell wuz here.

Hey Maybell! Imma gonna pop over to your thread later and see how you are doing.

Sounds like we like to lift the same kind of weights...Elieko?

PP, my gym is stocked with Hampton, but yes, the general idea is to take a 45-lb bar and load it with enough plates to require a power cage. I don't use weight machines with the exception of a cable station. Although I've been back in the weight room a few weeks, I was out for months, and it's going to take me a while to get back to where I was. Still, you gotta start somewhere, right?

Hang in there! xoxo

You, too, Bob! I always appreciate your stopping by.

[rd500]

Hi Sunny. Sorry it took me so long to post. Your sounding really positive and upbeat. Exercise is the way to go and your employment plans sound great.

Your dealing with the seperation with grace and moved on from the expectations of H. you are an example to us all


Take care. Rd xxxx.

PS. Thanks for posting on my thread. I really appreciate your thoughts

[Sotto]

Sunny, really pleased to read that you are doing so well, and that your H has been helping too. Glad that you are in such a positive place and moving forward.

Best of luck to you!

Take care, T x

[SunnyB]

Thank you RD and Toots. I've said this before, but it seems like H is going to make a good X. At the moment, we seem to be operating in a comfortable place, taking care of kids and house together. It won't last forever. But it's nice to have that for however long it lasts.

I have been pondering the abuse thread. Let me be clear, I would not ever classify my situation as abuse. Still, there are elements that existed in my M, things that make me uncomfortable to read. It's been so eye opening to realize that not all M are like that. Had my H not walked, I'd be married still. And I'd have never realized that someone could treat me nicely.

I also ponder the idea that I read here fairly frequently, that H was in pain and didn't have the tools to deal with it effectively, choosing an affair over actually talking to me. I am much more willing to accept that idea now that I was previously. I don't know if it's true, but it does allow me to forgive more easily.

All in all, I am starting to feel like I've been set free.

[Underdog]

Sunny,

I love your transformation to a peaceful, joyful person. It's so awesome, and it makes me really happy for you. I personally believe that this path doesn't have to be in vain, and we can find some really great things if we do the work through the pain.

That being said, I applaud your conclusion about your H. I believe it's true. How? I truly doubt that any of us here walked down the aisle with someone who did not intend to go the distance with us. I really do. Unfortunately, we all carry baggage that sometimes, left untreated or ignored, causes pain to the point we revert to the fight/flight response. Sometimes both.

My aunt (who is 5.5 years older than I am) has been married since she turned 18. She tells me that they are still married because neither one of them wanted a divorce at the same time. That makes me laugh. But the reality of their situation is that they lost their middle son to an unknown heart defect at the age of 20 (he was playing 2nd base and collapsed). It brought all of them closer and I love them both for how they dealt (and deal) with their grief. In the beginning, it looked like it might blow their whole family up, but they persevered.

Anyway, I think you're an awesome person. Too bad Denver and Miami aren't closer.

Hugs,
Betsey

[SunnyB]

Hi Betsey! Both Miami and Denver have large airports with flights between every day! I say come on down! It would be so fun to actually meet you.

Thanks for your kind words. I have known since the beginning that I didn't intend to turn into an angry bitter person over this. Yes, I had some things to work through, but as time goes on my M becomes part of my back story but not part of my future. And I can choose to have a happy, peaceful future.

The one thing that still pains me is to see couples that have been married 50+ years who still show love an affection openly towards one another. I know they've been through times as tough as these, but they were both committed to make it work. And that's the only difference in their M and mine. And sometimes that just breaks my heart. It probably always will.

I am friends with a couple who have been through some tough times - unexpected death of their 16 year old daughter, cancer, job loss, losing their home for finances. And yet, they are still together and seemingly so happy and loving towards one another. I admire them a great deal.

And yet, I know that my story is not either one of these. My story is to say "this happened to me" and I learned these things from it. I am truly grateful that my eyes have been opened to so many things, that I'm no longer living in the very small box that I was. A box I chose to stay in, but limiting nonetheless. I am free to be me, I am free to choose a better R, I am free to live a happy peaceful life. I'm grateful for all that.

Gan wrote on her thread that newcomers don't like to hear that they will be OK. I didn't. But I am.