Were here for you anytime. I fell into that bottle and pulled myself out of it with the help of great friends. Congratulations on getting sober. I have a hard time believing that you could ever be a b!tch!!!
I was almost at the end of my bible study with a good church friend today when the phone rang. I excused myself and picked it up.
It was H. H wanted to know if I had been beeping him. I said no, I have been trying to give you some peace...and honestly I haven't called or beeped him. H then said his beeper was dead, so he would not have gotten the beeps. He was just wondering. (Weird or what?) He asked how the weather was and I said it was beautiful now..no more snow and about 40 degrees outside. I then told him I was doing bible study and he said oh, ok you have company and he said he had to get back to work. I said ok, have a good day.
It was all just very odd.
Thanks for the support dazedboy! It's nice to know folks missed me.
Actually, I just canceled the book deal. I can not at this point do my best work and don't want to give them less than that. I explained that I was going into treatment and hope to work for them in the future when I am well. The editor told me to take good care of myself. I hope that bridge is not burned.
I am having a very rough day. Bible study was good except for a strange call from my H. (see other post that explains that above)
The call left me feeling confused. Did he just want to talk to me? Did he just want to tell me his beeper was dead? Who knows?
Unfortunately for me, I am still so in love with him that it hurts terribly. I wish he were still in love with me.
He's not, though and I have to face that fact.
The house did not appraise as high as he wanted and he is bummed out about that. We haven't talked other than that brief phone call...for a few days now.
I feel so very alone without my son here. I am counting the days until I go into treatment. I hope that I can wait without losing it. Some evenings I just want the pain to end and want to be anything but alone....so far I have managed not to drink, have taken my meds, and am still cooking and eating. That for me, right now, is a miracle.
I am thankful to God and to St. Rita for my H's strange phone call. At least he wanted to talk to me for some reason....or be considerate enough to let me know that I can't beep him to get a hold of him.
That was nice of him. And that's a miracle.
Well, am running out of things to write about...gonna run for now...thanks for your support!
Why do you not have any friends where you are? Have you moved there recently?
What about all those friends you did things with earlier, when your son and their kids did things together? Try and stay in touch with people, it helps you through the day without thinking of your situation all the time.
Sorry you have turned down the book work, it might have helped keep up your self esteem. But I know how dreadful you feel, as I too have put a personal project of mine on the back burner for the last ten months.
Did you get your new computer?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
You have overcome so much, I think you are stronger than you realize.
People seem to be attracted to strength, give the healing process time, your actions will speak louder than any words to H. As he sees you growing stronger chances are he will be intrigued and want to get to know the new, stronger you that you are building.
Well, had hoped to see my son this weekend. It's not going to work out that way, though. So, I need to just get through Friday and Saturday...then have church Sunday evening. That will get me out of the house, at least.
I drank with most of the people I know so I can't call them. The church folks I know are great..but we are not really friends yet..we are just getting to know each other and I am such a mess that I'm not too attractive to other folks....in the midst of a divorce, going to treatment and jail...you see what I mean?
So, I am very much alone. It is hard. I can get through it though, I don't have any other choice. I look around my house and look at photos of my family...it makes me so sad to see all that I am losing.
My H has had it. He can't take anymore. I don't exactly blame him, either. I have had it with me, too. As he says, it's always one thing or another...
I don't get suicidal because I have a child...but I do get very sad and wish that I could just end this pain. I am so tired of being lonely. All I have ever wanted was to be loved by someone and to love him in return...now that I am able to accept love and really give love...I don't have it anymore. It seems like a cruel joke.
I'm taking my meds and eating. I've done some laundry. I suppose I could force myself to clean the house from top to bottom for something to do. I just don't feel like doing much of anything but watching television and reading and sleeping.
My life, as I knew it, is over. I have to prepare myself to move forward, I have not come far since the day I got married... On my own, I am now just...poorer, more alone than ever, and ten years older....it doesn't excite me.
I have got to change my attitude, I know. I do thank God that I am not sick with breast cancer anymore. I do thank God that I have a chance to go to treatment. I do thank God that I am healthy and that I can go back to school and get my teaching certificate reinstated. I am thankful to God that I am alive and that I have a beautiful son who does love me. I am thankful to God that the folks here on the bb will support me when I need it and chastize me a bit when I need that, too. I am thankful that I woke up today. I am thankful that I can take things just one day at a time. I am thankful that my H called me yesterday.
I am thankful that H agreed to financially help get son down here for the weekend even though it is not going to work out that way. It was nice of him.
I am thankful for the bb...so that I can at least write out how I am feeling on a day to day basis.
Thanks, Jackie for your kind words and LL, you, too. It's folks like you two that keep me coming back here for support.
I know you turned down the writing assignment but writing makes you feel good doesn't it? I really think that you have a book in you - about your experience. Capture that in journal form if you want, but capture it on paper (or disk) so to speak.
The experiences of going it alone, facing up to your past and doing a jail sentence, going through treatment, etc. Write it down as only a writer can. There are bound to be many lessons for others to learn from it.
You may find an audience for your words some day, especially in the Recovery Community. I think of all the books that Hazelden puts out, you may surprise yourself.
Or it might just prove therapeutic and never be seen by anyone but you.
Or turn your pain into a sleezy romance novel under a nom de plume. Write about the steamy romance that you want to happen in your life - embelish away! Maybe it will come true if you dream it on paper!
You are doing great. I am sorry it doesn't work out for you to see your S this weekend, but you are right, it was nice of your H to offer to help make it happen.
Just keep on DBing with your H. It is nice that he called to let you know that his beeper wasn't working. To me it is one of the stupid excuses these men use to make contact when they said they didn't want contact. Of course he won't admit that will he?
But just keep acting the way you have. See what excuse he comes up with to contact you next.
IN fact, I propose we start a list of the lame things that guys come up with as a reason to initiate contact when they broke it off in the first place...
Are you game?!?!?LOL!
totite
"Accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative..."
Does it make any difference when you are being sentenced for the offence that you are taking steps to change things? That you acknowledge your fault etc etc? Is there anythng else you can do meantime to improve your chances of getting a shorter term or smaller fine or whatever?
If you are going on an alcohol program, does that mean you've started drinking again, or what?
Are your family anywhere in the state? Do you have to stay living where you are now if your son isn't there? Can you take some time away with family or friends elsewhere?
Does it make any difference when you are being sentenced for the offence that you are taking steps to change things? That you acknowledge your fault etc etc? Is there anythng else you can do meantime to improve your chances of getting a shorter term or smaller fine or whatever?
I don't know. Going to treatment should help. I have gone to psychiatric treatment for ten days and am going for 30 days of alcohol treatment. I can only trust that God knows best.
If you are going on an alcohol program, does that mean you've started drinking again, or what?
I did drink again. I am sober now and have no desire to drink. I was in a manic state and really lost control of everything in my life. I now know that like a diabetic controls their disease, there are things I can do to control mine. Taking my meds and not drinking, eating right and getting counseling are all key for me.
Are your family anywhere in the state? Do you have to stay living where you are now if your son isn't there? Can you take some time away with family or friends elsewhere?
I am pretty much alone. My family are all out of state except for one cousin that I love dearly, but can't stay with right now.
I guess it is just time right now for me to trust in God and learn to be alone.
Thanks for your support and for your concern... ...believe me it means a lot to me! Akgal
and pulled myself out of it with the help of great friends. Congratulations on getting sober. I have a hard time believing that you could ever be a b!tch!!! 
