Pink's Journey # 3 - Learning to detach

[rd500]

Hi Pink. Please , please take this post how it's meant. You know I care for you and would never intentionally cause you pain.

You are letting your anger control you You have to get this under control before you decide anything.

I don't think your H is meaning to cause you this much pain. He might be trying to get a reaction out of you but from what he has said before I'm not sure he means to really hurt you.

Re the text , I would ignore it. Let him text again.

Pink my friend this is all a nightmare and it's not something you can avoid. The only way to happiness is to go through it.

Your boys have a wonderful mum who will guide them through this time with love and compassion. An I/C will offer then professional guidance and if they have 1/2 the strength of their mum they will get through this

I cannot defend your H and no one can. He is going through his own issues and needs to resolve these himself. Like a lot of WAS he can't see the damage he is causing to his family and thinks he is finding himself You have to let him go and have no expectations that you would have had from him in the past Don't expect anything from him anymore and then you can't be hurt (. Easier said than done )

Pink. You have suffered enough. Give it over to God and let him deal with it
In anyway he sees fit Pink has no control over this. You are obviously and mind , caring , loving person that brings great insight and advice to lots of us on here. Your H is an idiot and doesn't deserve you.

Please know that you are cared for on here and in the real world. You are a person of great worth and value and H cannot take that away by his actions

Relax back for now distract yourself and spend time with your wonderful S"s

Post often Pink , to give more people time to help and support you

Take care. Rd. Huge hugs and extra xxxxx

[Wonka]

Yeah...there's always that "no response" option. A fail safe way to go about this. H knows where to find you. No, he's not trying to hurt you or get a rise out of you. He is doing what he thinks is best for him at the moment.

'Thinks' being the operative word....remember that, sweetie.

[V2pt0]

Hi Pink,

I agree with RD. I honestly don't think they even see the ramifications for their actions and how it might hurt the LBS. They are too focused on themselves and their own needs at this time. I can clearly see it in my H. He swears he is not hurting or angry, but his actions and words tell the truth. He flat out said he is tired of not making his needs a priority.

At some point this is likely to change once they are out of fog and have addressed their internal issues. For now, as hard as it is, you can't take it personally. I know that is easier said than done.

BW

[Pink17]

Thanks guys, it helps. It's so amazing, but it really helps to have someone telling you that it is OK.

And you are all very right. H is totally selfish right now. He needs to get a tattoo with the work on his chest.

It's all me...me...me...

And the kids just told me that he said that he will take them to dinner Wednesday or Thursday this week. They told me they said nothing about BDay, but they told him they will let him know when it is OK for them.

I am trying my best to get my head out of it. I have no other way of resolving this if not going through it.

Well, got an email from my L saying that we need to choose the mediator. There is a court mediator and then there is a private mediator and my L thinks that I would benefit from a private one.

I sent an email to my L asking to meet him to find out what can be negotiated before the mediation so it does not cost a fortune and will be resolved all in one meeting.

This whole D hurts, but I really believe I will feel much better after this is all done and resolved.

I feel like I will be my own person again.

Again, thanks so much. I don't know what would happen if I did not have the support I have here.

And about his texts, I will just ignore it all. I will start packing his stuff and if he asks he can just pick them up.

To tell the truth I think it is all done. I try to believe in this fog thing, but H is calculating every step of the way for a long time. I was just very blind and a complete idiot that I did not see it coming.

H have his plans, is enjoying life and taking care after himself. This is what is real.

Thanks,
Pink

[V2pt0]

Shouldn't your H have to pack his own things?

[Pink17]

Maybe he should, but then it will be another excuse to be in a house for a long time. Maybe it is just easier to have him picking up his stuff and leaving very fast.

It's amazing how he can talk and play the real victim and I am not in a mood to hear his excuses anymore.

The farther the better. I am still hurting myself with what I think and I should get better of letting go of it all and don't think any more stupid things. I need to work hard on that.

But, I can control a little easier that H won't hurt me anymore with his words. He does not want me in his life, so get away from me once for all.

And yes, you will say that I am acting very angry. And I am, very, very angry because he left me, because I worked hard so he could build up his career, because he is hurting my children, because he is a selfish bastard and I trusted him, because he was sleeping with another woman when I was taking care after everything.

It's a lesson learned. Now I need to learn how to forgive and let go, and that I may find the most difficult one.

I am in pain, with hate in my heart. I need to develop a plan and I feel lost right now. I need patience. I will try.

Pink

[Sotto]

Lovely P.....will post more later - no time now. Act from a place of love & strength. Work thru anger in other ways, don't direct it at H. My H ignored/forgot my Bday. Remember MLC = self absorption. It is not about you, it just is.

Detach & release. Worry not about what H is doing. Make lovely plans for your Bday & enjoy....will post more later my friend xx

[rd500]

Hi Pink. So sorry your this upset. I wish I had the words to help It's such a hard time for you and it's so difficult to see the light at the end of the tunnel but it is there. Pink will be very happy again o ne day and this will all be in your past


Positive thoughts for you. Rd

[Pink17]

Hi Toots,

Thanks so much sister, it is very wise to remind me about the MLC stuff. I do not get it totally. It's so hard to understand. But, the point here is that I should not be trying to understand. It is what it is.

I get really confused with H attitude. He comes and he is distant, does not get into anything. Then other day, he comes and is very friendly, flirting, like he is missing me. Then he sends me text about his family stuff, he is friendly and is sharing. Then other time he text like he is some stranger. Is very polite, but is very business like.

And I need to detach, do things that matter for me and for the kids. It is just so hard.

Maybe the whole "act as if" is my way to go. I also think that I am confused because it is hard to love someone that is doing so much damage.

Like Wonka said, it's not about me. The things he is doing is all about him. So, if I don't want to go insane, I need to let go and try my best to live a good life.

I am struggling with the fact that he betrayed me and left me with all responsibilities. I feel like an idiot.

Love the way you put things Toots, I envy you (in a good way) of how you see things and how calm you deal with everything. You are one very amazing woman and as RD says, your H is making a big mistake being so blind.

Hope you have a good day. How is your mom doing?

Love.
Pink

[Sotto]

Hi Pink, she's doing so much better - thanks for asking. I popped in to see her on my way back from work tonight. Got to call up there later for a bit to make sure she's asleep and doesn't get out of bed.

I wanted to post more, but I'm just all busy today!! I think with the confusion about your H. Is that happening because you develop expectations as a result of his behaviour? The most successful DBers I have seen seem to be the ones who observe and then shrug off/let it go. So if their H is super friendly one day. They notice it, and think - Hmm, much more friendly today. Then they think no more of it.

However, if your H is super friendly and you start to think - Wow - is he having second thoughts? He seemed like he loved me last night....well, IMHO this is where the problems arise. Cue rollercoaster and a crash when he does something that seems cold or disinterested. So all if this is about keeping yourself on a steady plane - despite the fact he is friendly one day, lost the next, cold the next and so on. These changes are just a symptom of his confusion and lostness just now.

The other thing I would say is that he may have left you with lots of responsibility. But he has also left you with a lot of love in your home, which he has given up for the time being...

In respect of getting his stuff and it being your birthday week. I think it is fine to calmly respond - no problem to get your things - I have birthday things going on next week, so the following week would be best. If you don't want him coming to the house during your celebrations, just confirm that.

But, it's a cheeseless tunnel to be thinking - how could he do this??? It's my special week!! I can't believe he could be so thoughtless!! All of that stuff just isn't going to get you anywhere. It would be much better if you could smile to yourself and chalk it down as the next thing that happened in your MLC journey.

Now then - onto the important stuff. Do you have some nice birthday plans??